In a deal that really shouldn’t have surprised anyone, lest a team were willing to deliver an entire bus full of MLB-ready pitching prospects to City of Brotherly Love, the Philadelphia Phillies have agreed to a new deal with lefty Cole Hamels that will make him the second-richest pitcher in Major League Baseball, behind C.C. Sabathia. At a press conference today, Hamels will probably show up in a tuxedo made of money to announce his new 6-year, $144 million deal to remain with Philly.

And there’s not really much else to say about this deal, other than it’s great, because if it weren’t the Phillies, another team would have probably paid Hamels even more. Phils fans deserved some good news, too, as they’re languishing in last place in the NL East while watching the Miami Marlins, who they trail by a game and a half, clean house in a most, well, Marlins kind of way. Seriously, they just gave Hanley Ramirez away. I know he sucks, but there had to have been a more desperate team.

Regardless, while a late season push by the Phillies seems far-fetched, we know stranger things have happened, so maybe this will provide a little boost for the team that now has a small fortune wrapped up in 1/6 of the team’s payroll. But I won’t let a thing like money get in the way of making our friends at Zoo With Roy go photoshop and GIF crazy.

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Ozzie Guillen said some bad things. It wasn’t the first time and it won’t be the last, but this one had a little more despot flattering than most, so it’s a big deal.

Of course, we at The Dugout believe in freedom of speech, so if Ozzie wants to say that Fidel Castro is better at skateboarding than Tony Hawk it should be his constitutional right as an American Sports Person Of Interest to do so. It should also be my right to explain why he said it in somewhat-antiquated chatroom form.

So here we are. The Ozzie Guillen Loves Fidel Castro Dugout is after the jump.

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I can’t wait to see @MrBrandonStroud on TV swing by as it misses the ball by a foot!

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"Sit down," yelled the no one behind them.

Miami Marlins owner Jeffrey Loria must be having a pretty good laugh right now, because we had mostly assumed that the rumors of his courtship of this offseason’s biggest free agents were a load of fish poop. The Marlins had been publicly enamored with Jose Reyes, Albert Pujols, Mark Buerhle and C.J. Wilson, but, by all accounts, their offers were riding a fine line between low-balling and insulting.

But low balls are better than no balls, because Loria flopped his big, ol’ pouch on the table as the winter meetings are kicking off in Dallas. The Marlins and Reyes have agreed on a 6-year deal worth $106 million, which ends the former Rookie of the Year’s 9-year stint with the New York Mets. The Mets wanted to keep Reyes, but they would need money for that and they don’t have any. Whoops?

By increasing their offer to Reyes, they knocked the Mets out of the running to hang on to their shortstop. The Mets were reportedly willing to give Reyes no more than five-year deal worth $75 to $80 million.

(Via the Miami Herald)

And that’s actually smart thinking by the Mets, seeing as Reyes will turn 29 next season, and he has missed 191 games over the last 3 seasons. That’s a pretty bold investment for the Marlins. I know what you’re thinking, though – don’t the Marlins already have a stud shortstop? Sure they do, but screw that guy!

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Hanley Ramirez thought he needed a change of mirror scenery. He not only got that but a newfound ability to scare the bejesus out of little children as well, as his attempts at changing his locks into platinum failed miserably, morphing him into somebody Ronald McDonald might call a friend.

Hanley Ramirez should keep his day job as Marlins shortstop. He tried dying his hair blond this morning at the team hotel, but it came out… how shall we say… red? Rust? Brown? Hanley’s new look comes with a new spot in the batting order — third, which isn’t actually a new spot. He hit there last year and most of this year before being moved to the lead-off spot.

“That was the turning point — I saw his hair color and it looked like a three hitter,” manager Edwin Rodriguez joked. -Palm Beach Post

Though his new hairdo makes it look like he’s an escapee from a psychiatric ward who thinks he’s found the perfect disguise, he should maybe keep it as his first game with follicles that belong on a safety cone brought him a day of 4/5 hitting. Alas, it has most probably wreaked havoc on the chances of him winning any potential games of hide-and-seek he was planning on playing this weekend.

VIDEO AFTER THE JUMP
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While the world awaits the inevitable Tosh.0 Web Redemption for the Houston Astros fan who valiantly moved out of the way of a foul ball that hit his girlfriend in the arm, Hanley Ramirez has picked up the assault on female fans and almost had a kill shot. Seriously.

In last Thursday night’s 5-0 victory over the Washington Nationals, the Florida Marlins shortstop belted a line drive into the stands, and the ball would have struck a female fan in the face, had she not been enjoying an ice cold Miller Lite. Instead, she was merely on the receiving end of an impromptu beer shower.

Video and a ballpark party foul after the jump.

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