What you’re looking at, by way of @KateUpton, is America’s Best Girl dressed as a zombie version of Marilyn Monroe for Heidi Klum’s Halloween party. I guess a better description might be “Marilyn Monroe during filming of The Seven Year Itch if the subway breeze blew her into the street where she fractured her arms and exposed the bones instead of just blowing up her skirt”, or, as Sportress Of Blogitude suggests, “Partially Decomposed (But Not In A Grotesque Way Which Would Cause Me To Appear Not Totally Hot) Marilyn Monroe”.
Regardless, this is one of Kate’s two mostly-effortless costumes for the season. The other, a bottle of Tabasco Sauce with a simultaneously cute and sexual Nutrition Facts label, can be seen along with more of Dead Marilyn (too soon) after the jump. What, you think I’m going to put up pictures of Kate Upton and not make you click through them? You don’t know anything about blogging. Keep your hands where I can see them.
Paul Bissonnette of the Phoenix Coyotes jumped on Twitter to post pictures from the team’s Halloween party, and I really do wish I could say “Paul Bissonnette as Hacksaw Jim Duggan” was the news to share, even if he thinks Hacksaw said “OOOH” instead of the proper “HOOO”. No, what you see above is winger Raffi Torres as “Jay-Z”, complete with brown skin, and his wife, who I guess thinks a ton of self-tanner and a sparkly dress constitutes Beyonce.
Bissonnette was quick to defend his teammate thinking this was a good idea:
“As far as everyone trying to call ‘Racism’ because Raffi dressed up like Jay-Z can simmer down. He’s a huge Jay-Z fan.”
And that leads us to the next few sentences, which you (and I’m talking to Raffi Torres directly, here) should read carefully and commit to memory:
I get it. You aren’t a racist. You like black people. You wanted to be a black guy you like for Halloween, and that guy has brown skin, so you made your skin brown. When someone like you dons an “innocent blackface”, much like Spanky did that time he put shoe polish on his face to escape the house dressed as Buckwheat, it causes rambling, point-and-counterpoint discussion about the history of prejudice and the widespread ignorance of entitlement on every sports blog and news show known to man. Here’s the quick version … it doesn’t matter whether or not you’re trying to be racist. Wearing blackface, especially in 2011, especially when you’re a sports celebrity and especially when people are taking pictures of you to put on the Internet, makes you the dumbest motherf**ker alive.
You’re stupid. You’re a dumb, stupid idiot. Don’t do this. Just don’t. That’s the end of the discussion. It’s a bad idea, regardless of what percentage non-white you happen to be or how many black people you talk to on Facebook. Your thought process should be “I should dress up as Jay-Z for Halloween … haha too bad I’m not a black guy” and then you dress up as Peanut Butter Jelly Time or the Black Swan or whateveer.
“Jay-Z” isn’t even a good costume for a black guy, it’s just “black guy in Yankees hat and sunglasses”. Jay’s wearing a Biggie Smalls costume anyway.
This is Destiny (a.k.a. “stop talking about your girlfriend” from The Best And Worst Of WWE Raw column) dressed as Flo from the Progressive insurance commercials, and I can say without hyperbole that it’s the best and most personally-appropriate costume ever. She actually works in insurance, and she can go from normal face to CRAZY EYES on command. My costume has been included as the inset image, and while it was also a solidly-nerdy pop culture reference, I’m not sure how big a picture I want on my website of me in a white-ass morphsuit.
And yes, that’s actually me.
Kris Jenkins Hosts The Worst Comedy Sketch In The History Of Television - More things need to be filmed on a set featuring a fake foyer. It reminds me of the Murderface and Knubbler Christmas Special. [SBN]
You Knew It Was Coming: The Greatest Halloween Pet Costumes You’ll See This Year - I’m disappointed that there are 40,000 costumes for dogs, but only like four velcro novelty hats available for cats. I want to dress my cat like the Lone Ranger, dammit, and Petsmart needs to provide for me that option. [UPROXX]
Meme Watch: We’re A Culture, Not A Costume Parody Posters - A little offensive in its counter-productivity (and people should really stop dressing as geisha, because Jesus Christ, get with it, America) but worth it for the Mummy and zombie Big Show cameos. [UPROXX]
Mega Gallery: Awesome, Geeky Pumpkins To Attempt To Carve This Weekend - I’m stuck somewhere between wanting to carve Roseanne cast face pumpkins and saying f**k it to creativity and just doing McDonald’s-style jack-o-lanterns for the rest of my life. [Gamma Squad]
101 Halloween Corgis - I’m covering Corgi Friday for Matt this week, and look at what I have to follow. [Warming Glow]
10 Halloween Tips For The Star Wars Obsessed - Tip 11: It’s 2011 and Star Wars has been rendered awful by its creator, you should probably get obsessed with something more esoteric but still good, like Babylon 5 or maybe Doctor Who. [Smoking Section]
Every ‘Friday the 13th’ Kill Ever - Why hello, naked Willa Ford. Also, Willa Ford, in case you’re reading this, I thought “I Wanna Be Bad” was awesome and you should be my friend in real life. [UGO]
14 “Sexy” Costumes That Defy Logic - Sexy costume backlash is reaching critical mass, yet the only options for women at Halloween stores are sexy costumes. Is this the great paradox of our times? [Buzzfeed]
Five Horror Movies That Were a Nightmare For the Actors - Weee! More anecdotes about that lady getting her butt scratched by brambles during The Texas Chainsaw Massacre! [The Smoking Jacket]
Nyan Cat Dog Wins Halloween - Somewhere the Rick Astley Dog is crying because his owner is behind the times. [The Daily What]
The 50 Creepiest Pieces Of Romance Advice Ever Published - Something legitimately spooky for you to finish out the links. People who follow this advice (or give it) should be accompanied by thunder crashes and flickering lights at all times. Also, bubbling cauldron noises. [FARK]
Smell Their Feet: The Greatest Child Halloween Costumes That Will Ever Show Up At Your Door - If a child showed up to my door dressed as Sho Nuff (or Bruce Leroy, as long as I could tell it apart from a Game of Death costume) I’d give them ALL of my candy, plus whatever candy I could afford for the next year. [UPROXX]
Our Favorite Photos From Zombie Walk Toronto 2011 - “Our favorite photos” is so funny to me, like Robopanda is flipping through a bunch of polaroids going, “Well, I LIKE this one, but I don’t know if I love it.” (Hi, Robopanda) [Gamma Squad]
Frotcast 71: Spielberg, Voice Mails, Rum Diary, More Seagal or Porn Star - I’m going to debut our podcast at some point in November or die trying. [Film Drunk]
The Dugout: Jim Thome’s Back(yard) - In case you missed it yesterday, here’s a Dugout everybody likes because it has almost nothing to do with baseball. Comment on this thing! [The Dugout]
T.I. And Chelsea Handler Rekindle Their Late Night Magic - The “teen who wants to sleep with his friend’s Mom” in me really enjoys Chelsea Handler. Fantasy threesome: me, Chelsea Handler, Laura Prepon dressed as Chelsea Handler. [Smoking Section]
Meme Watch: Pick Up Line Panda Is Striking Out - Maybe Pick Up Line Panda should outfit himself with the latest technology from Cybertronics. Hi again, Robopanda. [UPROXX]
14 Punctuation Marks That You Never Knew Existed - I know that “schwah” isn’t punctuation, technically, but I hope it’s on here somewhere. [Buzzfeed]
Adult Swim’s Abstract Costume Corner - I don’t work at Adult Swim, but in my mind it’s just Bob Odenkirk and Starburns sitting in an office rolling their eyes while the interns come up with stuff like this and put it online. [Adult Swim]
Freddy Krueger Edges Out Samara Morgan In A Poll For The Scariest Horror Movie Character - You guys think I’m a pro wrestling hipster, wait until you hear my opinions about movies. Samara Morgan? Seriously? Yeah, I’m deathly terrified of your photoshop filters, guys. [FARK]
Regis Strips For Snooki - Regis shouldn’t be doing anything for Snooki. Nobody should be doing things for Snooki. Get it together, America. [AOL TV]
5 Bizarre Killing Sprees That Never Got Solved - An alternate title for “Regis Strips For Snooki”. [The Smoking Jacket]
The 50 Most Successful Box Office Stars of All Time in North America - Jim Varney is on here somewhere, right? He went to camp AND jail AND was scared so much it made him stuipd. [Pajiba]
Turning Movie Posters Into Cartoons - I don’t know why the Tazmanian Devil is in The Illusionist, but it instantly improves that film. [Unreality]
The best game ever. I hope you’re just a high-def remake of San Andreas, GTA 5.
Grand Theft Auto 5 Trailer Announced - AY CESAR, THE YAY LEAVIN’ SAN FIERRO, RIGHT. Right, but they’re using bikes, CJ, and they go cross country! [Gamma Squad]
The Best And Worst Of WWE Raw 10/24 Live From Austin, Texas - I know I know, it’s the post below this one, but our new commenting system has severely limited the number of times an anonymous person can comment with “john cena gay”, so we need you to head down there and read it and talk to us about it. Us meaning me. [With Leather]
The Best And Worst Of WWE Vengeance 2011 - But wait! Before you do that, read Monday’s report about Sunday night’s show. The ring collapsed and Jerry Lawler said he’d never seen anything like it, except when it happened previously. [With Leather]
Bring ACH To Beyond Wrestling - If you live on the East Coast, love pro wrestling (or want it to be better than it is) and have a few extra bucks, donate to the cause of bringing one of the best young wrestlers in the world to where you can see him perform. ACH is the f**king bomb, and should be a TV millionaire already. [Indie Gogo]
This Week in Posters: Twilight, Muppets, and Diagonals Oh My! -Puss In Boots would be so much more appealing if it was called LE CHAT POTTE over here. That’s also what I call my drug-humor AOL parody. [Film Drunk]
The 1992 Dream Team In Action (Figures) - Pretty sure the most heterosexual thing about me is how much I love the 1992 Dream Team. [Smoking Section]
First Look At Scarlett Johansson As An Alien - I was really excited when I clicked this, but it turns out the “alien” is just “Scarlett Johansson not looking as good as she usually does because of bad clothes and a worse wig”. Good job with your alien movie, guys. [Gamma Squad]
More Halloween Episodes, Please - The genre peaked with ‘Roseanne’ and ‘Martin’, but I’m willing to accept new works in the medium. [Warming Glow]
Fully Functional Nikon Camera Halloween Costume - Pretty cool, and guaranteed to be talked about almost as much as the one hot girl who just wore underwear outdoors and didn’t even buy cat ears. [Buzzfeed
The 18 Worst Wide-Release Opening Weekends of 2011 - Most of these aren't a surprise, and if you supported Judy Moody or her Not Bummer Summer you're a bad person. The climax of that movie is someone eating a poop sandwich. [Moviefone]
Which of These Five Hollywood Subjects Sold Out the Hardest? - I always thought that if someone can refer to you as a “Hollywood subject”, you’re already sold out. [Pajiba]
87 Year-Old Man Arrested with 228 Pounds of Cocaine - Now let’s flash back to when he was a young man and find out how he got here! [The Daily What]
Censored Zelda Will Make You Laugh Against Your Will - The title is right. I hate fake censoring jokes, but even I laughed when Zelda called that guy a f**k. [Unreality]
The Gentlemen’s Rant: Hipsters - Someone put this site out of its misery. If you like Tim Allen on TV in 2011 style “everyone who isn’t fat and boring and middle-American like me is wrong” humor, you’ll love this. Attention “average guys tellin’ it like it is” — you are the least funny people in the world. [NextRound]
I’m not sure why I’m surprised that there’s a world record for this.
The Best Of Workaholics GIFs - I always wonder if the pitch for this show was “it’s just like ‘Stella’, except about drugs and their own wieners”. [UPROXX]
Romeo and Juliet: The Porno - Nothing is accomplished here that wasn’t accomplished slightly better by Troma 15 years ago. Porno needs its own narrative, dammit, stop being derivative. Shane’s World wasn’t good because it loosely adapted Much Ado About Nothing. [Film Drunk]
Saved By The Bell Stills + Kanye Lyrics = Kanye’d By The Bell - Somebody add “Been a long time since I spoke to you in a bathroom gripping you up f**kin and choking you” to a pic of the guy from Valley trying to full nelson Christy The Girl Wrestler. [UPROXX]
Hello, Heartache: The McRib Is Coming Back - You people are never gonna learn, are you. [Smoking Section]
The Batman’s Jeff Matsuda Stops By Reddit, Makes Batman Sketches By Request - In a “comic book people are awesome”-related story, I just found out that Brian Azzarello and Jill Thompson read Best and Worst Of Raw, so I’m gonna go out and buy like 50 comic books today. [Gamma Squad]
‘Breaking Bad’s’ Blue Meth Survived the Zombie Apocalypse - After finding out that ‘The X-Files’ and ‘The Wire’ happen in the same universe, anything is possible. Not to mention ‘Family Matters’ and ‘Step By Step’. [Warming Glow]
15 Unintentionally Offensive Halloween Costumes - Just to reiterate, it’s not offensive, but if you are planning to go as “dead or zombie version of recently dead celebrity”, don’t, it is not original or funny. [Buzzfeed]
Eddie Murphy on Hosting the Oscars: ‘I’m Going to be Horrendous’ - What, did you finally get around to watching your last 40 movies? [Moviefone]
Five Awful Cover Songs Made Even Worse By Tiny Lyric Changes - I’d sincerely forgotten that Hilary Duff’s cover of “My Generation” existed. Thanks, The Smoking Jacket. Thanks a lot. [The Smoking Jacket]
The 20 Highest Grossing Prequels of All Time and the Box-Office Performance of The Worst Movie Ever - You know you’ve done something right when your movie gets listed alongside The Flintstones In Viva Rock Vegas. [Pajiba]
10 Awesome Examples of Today’s Video Games into Atari Format - I would play all of these except for maybe Pokémon, because it would make my eyes explode. Atari Zelda looks rad. [Unreality]