I just tuned in to see what condition her condition was in.

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Here’s Madonna’s Super Bowl Halftime Show Extravaganza, Featuring M.I.A. Flipping America Off - And now, the real one. I would’ve given anything for Kratos to show up and brutally murder everyone on stage. [UPROXX]

Memory Lane: Vintage Nike Ads - Somebody needs to make a loop of these with the Earl Woods DID YA LEARN ANYTHING speech over it. [Smoking Section]

Subway Graffiti Artists Turn Offensive ‘Mad Men’ Ads Into Awesome ‘Mad Men’ Ads - These are awesome, but I’d be happier if someone could turn an ad into a time machine and move us forward a couple of months so we could watch this goddamn show. [Warming Glow]

Star Trek: The Next Generation on Blu-ray Looks Way Better Than You Ever Thought a 25-Year-Old Syndicated TV Show Could - Now let’s get Deep Space Nine out on blu-ray so people who watch Star Trek can realize they’re stupid and that it is the best ever. [Gamma Squad]

Can’t A Guy Order A Big Black Dildo Online Without Getting All Kinds Of Pervy Junkmail? - I know, I ordered 3 Superbook DVDs like four years ago and have been getting HAVE YOU HEARD THE GOOD NEWS junkmail ever since. YES I HAVE HEARD IT. [UPROXX]

Susan G. Komen Demonstrates Perfectly How To Destroy Your Brand On The Internet - I don’t think she’s a bad person, I think she’s Ozymandias and we haven’t had a time to hear her doomsday speech. [UPROXX]

Chronicle Review: Can a cheap gimmick ruin a great story? - As someone who watches a lot of pro wrestling, uh, yes, yes it can. It can also ruin bad stories. [Film Drunk]

When Drunk-Dialing Goes Wrong: Drake Sued By “Marvin’s Room” Ex - I’m gonna drunk dial my ex with a radio edited “youda youda bess” and see if she sues. Chef! [Smoking Section]

Lana Del Rey Returns To SNL In The Form Of Kristen Wiig - They needed to more directly point out that it wasn’t what she did or looked like, it was that her song sounded super bad. pBuzzfeed]

13 Puppy Stampedes - nyah hee hee nyah hee hee [HuffPost Comedy]

Michael Cera tries to grow a mustache. With results that are pretty much just what you’d expect - Please don’t ruin the Arrested Development movie with your stupid personal bullsh*t, Cera, the rest of the world isn’t interested in Paper Hearts. [FARK]

Steven Van Zandt Crushes ‘Sopranos’ Movie Dreams - Turns out Tony Soprano died in a plane crash, and now whenever they play Freebird they put his hat on the mic stand. [Moviefone]

Gary Oldman’s Dramatic Recounting of Snooki’s Urinary Tract Infection - Somewhere Chris Walken is getting upset about Gary stepping on his toes. [Pajiba]

A Gallery of the Most Egregious Video Game Console Knockoffs - The “Wee” mini-DVD player is more or less the Monald Muck of consoles. Also, lol @ the Super Megason. [Unreality]

"Yes, you - the lowly, pathetic ant in the back of the room pretending like I should even acknowledge you."

In case you were trying to block it out of your mind, or if you have simply pretended that the Super Bowl hasn’t had a halftime show since 2004, Madonna is performing a 12-minute set at Super Bowl XLVI on Sunday. As if it wasn’t bad enough that the NFL believed that we wanted to see a 53-year old woman in fishnet stockings perform osteoporosis-friendly dance moves while lip syncing 30-year old songs, she also had a chance to speak with reporters yesterday in Indianapolis, and I hate to say it, but I think we’ve had Madge all wrong.

Golly, I reckon she’s just a small town girl tryin’ to make a dream come true so she can tell her pa that she finally made it, gosh darn shuck ‘em.

“This is a Midwesterner girl’s dream to be performing at the Super Bowl halftime show,” said Madonna, who was born in Bay City, Michigan.

“In over 25 years of performing that I’ve done, I have never worked so hard or been so scrupulous or detail-oriented or freaked out as much as I have … trying to make the most major show at this Super Bowl,” she added. (Via Reuters)

I can’t even imagine the insane prep work that goes into picking out a medley of old songs and sending them to a producer with a note that reads: “Make modern, K?” Luckily, she’s receiving some performance help from younger, hipper artists like Cee Lo Green, Nicki Minaj and LMFAO. So basically, you could staple live squirrels to your nude body and you still wouldn’t be the worst dressed person at the Super Bowl.

But we’re being too tough on Madonna, who spent at least a decade pretending to be British. This performance, she said, is the one thing that she’ll have done in her career that her father would be most proud of. When asked for comment, her father’s spirit responded, “Yeah, no sh*t.”

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As I mentioned earlier in my Peabody Award nominee post about Princess the Prognostic Camel, I’m not much of a gambler. That doesn’t stop people from asking me for advice, though, because when you tell people that you’re a sports blogger, you should probably include that you’re a dick joke maker and not an expert, otherwise people will assume you know things.

But aside from bar squares and fantasy football, there is one specific type of gambling that I’m a sucker for – Super Bowl prop bets. And this year there are some awesomely stupid bets to be made, from Kelly Clarkson’s National Anthem prowess to Madonna’s Skeletor arms. Side note: Madonna, LMFAO and Cee Lo are set to perform updated variations of Madonna’s old hits. She’s like the George Lucas of music. Madonna might as well make Cee Lo dress like Jar Jar Binks.

Where was I? Yes, prop bets. They’re typically for the most degenerate gamblers, as people who feel the need to bet on every little thing – including the coin flip, the color of Gatorade dumped on the winning coach and how many yards Hakeem Nicks’ first catch will be – for the sake of getting their rush and/or making up for all the money they lost during the regular season. Today, though, I’m making prop bets into something for the average person.

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You may have woken up screaming from feverish nightmares last night and somehow just known this, but Madonna is performing at this year’s Super Bowl halftime show. The news broke on SB Nation earlier today, and if you’re like me you’ve spent the last few hours going back and forth between “great, another 60-year old thrusting their hips at me between Dorito’s commercials” and “at least it’s better than the f**king Black Eyed Peas”.

It’s impossible to mention Super Bowl halftime shows and not mention the reason why they’re only allowed to be manned these days by responsible corporate types — we are still living in the shadow of Janet Jackson’s enormous metal titty and its impromptu appearance in 2004. Classic Madonna may have sought to top Janet, but modern Madonna is basically a yoga mom who only gets dragged out with Britney Spears or the cast of Glee need someone iconic to dance with.

Here’s a quick survey of Twitter opinion, courtesy of Off The Bench:

@PeytonsHead
Madonna is performing at the Super Bowl? Maybe the Bills really are good this year, considering we’ve warped back in time 20 years.

@bruce_arthur Bruce Arthur
Madonna performing at halftime of the Super Bowl? I bet Joe Montana and John Elway will really enjoy that before they play the second half.

@joshlewinstuff josh lewin
Madonna playing SB halftime this yr after BEP last year.. we keep creeping backwards here, people. by SB48, it’s going to be Boz Scaggs.

@gourmetspud Gourmet Spud
They need to stop letting Al Davis’s grandfather pick the Super Bowl halftime acts.

The Super Bowl halftime show is just like everything else in the world: run by the elderly, because nobody young knows how to handle it. Here’s to hoping she goes full 90s Madonna on us and makes out with Naomi Campbell onstage to the terror/delight of all.

When I was growing up on the mean streets of suburban South Florida, my parents were unable to provide me with standard sporting equipment like a baseball glove or a football helmet, so every Christmas they just gave me a piece of rope. Eventually I was able to tie them all together and make one long rope and I used that long rope daily to train myself to become the greatest jump rope artist in the history of the world. At least that’s what I remember in bits and pieces of my childhood because I started drinking early on in my teen years and it’s all a bit of a haze. I may have also been a basketball-playing wolfman. Who knows?

But the young ladies who make up the King’s Firecrackers jump rope team are the real badasses, as they put on a show recently at the U.S. Naval Academy. And while you may say that it’s not cool or jump ropes are for girls and bullies to strangle emo kids with, their routine is probably 99% better than anything that you or I are going to do today. Unless you count my karaoke rendition of Smash Mouth’s “All-Star” which I will perform once again at Taco Tuesday tonight. Throw all the beer bottles you want, but I’m still going to sing their 90s brand of fun rock!

Hop on over after the jump for footage of the Firecrackers latest performance (they’re also in talks to have a movie made about their efforts) as well as some other interesting halftime performances…

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