It isn’t much of a big deal when rapper-turned-house-flipper Vanilla Ice shows up to perform at halftime for NBA games, because the artist otherwise known as Rob Van Winkle has done it before. But nevertheless I like it when he does, because it gives me a chance to complain about one of my guiltiest pleasures, The Vanilla Ice Project on DIY, thanks to the loosest of ties to sports.

While I enjoy watching house flip shows, especially when they involve Q-list celebrities, VIP drives me nuts because he goes so amazingly overboard that I can’t imagine someone spending $1 million for one of his custom home renovations in South Florida. I mean, I know that people buy the homes, because wealthy people in South Florida are insane, but some of the perks that he adds to his homes just blow my mind.

Take this season, for example. He’s working on a house that was abandoned for seven years and left to just completely rot against nature’s devices. The house sits on a huge lot with a giant lake behind it, and he probably fetched close to $1 million for his rebuild, if not more. That lake, like most bodies of water in South Florida, has alligators, and yet Vanilla and his crew added a giant human slingshot to the backyard.

When they’re building these homes, do they even consider things like homeowners’ insurance? I, for one, would not like to spend my hard-earned cocaine-trafficking money on paying for one of my son’s snot-nosed friend’s hospital bills after his arms are torn off by an angry family of gators. But maybe that’s just me.

In conclusion, the Milwaukee Bucks lost to the Oklahoma City Thunder on Saturday night.

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HEY MAGIC FANS, please welcome Orlando’s Dancing Dads, a group of old guys in Magic jerseys who shake their booties, shake it like a salt shaker and ultimately do the Harlem Shake. Of COURSE they do the Harlem Shake. Now’s the perfect time for dads and grandmas to discover the Harlem Shake, go OHHH THIS IS SO FUNNY and get Jimmy Johnson to do it, or whatever. Get it, dads! (via Shooting Bricks)

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Links

Boy Meets World Podcast, Episode 8: Teacher’s Bet |Pod Pods Pod|

The Symmetrical Celebrities Project: Important Facial Research You Didn’t Know You Needed |UPROXX|

Here Is A Supercut Of Adele Saying ‘Fank You’ |Warming Glow|

Harrison Ford is joining Anchorman 2 |Film Drunk|

Everyone Needs To Pray That Kate Upton Just Started A New Meme |With Leather|

‘Tomorrowland’ Plot Details Explain What Hugh Laurie And George Clooney Are Up To |Gamma Squad|

Diddy, Mark Wahlberg & Ellen Play A Drinking Game On Live Television |Smoking Section|

Joe Flacco’s Big Day Out |Kissing Suzy Kolber|

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The Taiwan Super Bowl has happened. It featured exploding birds, bloody steamroller deaths, the New England Patriots being killed with boulders, Beyonce being set on fire, and two sneaky fat guys unplugging the power. It’s … pretty much everything you’d want out of the Taiwan Super Bowl.

- Follow us on Twitter @withleather
- Follow me personally @MrBrandonStroud and Burnsy @MayorBurnsy
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Links

7 New Jersey Bands That Could Play Next Year’s Super Bowl Halftime |UPROXX|

5 Things You Need To Know Today From The ‘Breaking Bad’ Universe |Warming Glow|

Pacific Rim Photos: The Black Knight is a giant robot who fights Godzilla now |Film Drunk|

St. Louis Had A Dog Parade And It Was Classier And More Intelligent Than Others |With Leather|

Gamma Squad’s Ultimate Guide To Comics For Beginners, Part Three: The Big Four Publishers |Gamma Squad|

4 Terrible NBA Teams With Bright Futures |Smoking Section|

Daring Feats Of Drunken Ravens Revelry |Kissing Suzy Kolber|

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In a SPOOKTACULAR moment reminiscent of the time McKinley High School made their football team put on zombie make-up and do ‘Thriller’ mash-ups at halftime, the Detroit Pistons and Houston Rockets opened their season with a fog machine malfunction with a minute left in the half and couldn’t restart play until someone got it under control. You haven’t lived until you’ve seen two teams of athletes and an arena full of technicians and professionals at the mercy of a fog machine.

It needs a Vincent Price “terrorize y’alls neighborhood” monologue over it, but you can check out video of the mishap after the jump. BUT BEWARE, ghouls and goblins etc.

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"I say zibbity, you say bop! ZIBBITY!"

I guess I haven’t been paying enough attention to NFL news, because apparently there was a rumor going around that Van Halen – the David Lee Roth Van Halen and not one of the other guys – was already locked in as the halftime act for Super Bowl 47 in New Orleans. Well, it makes sense that I hadn’t heard that rumor, because it was most likely started by Van Halen’s psychotic front man.

So how exactly do you shoot down a rumor that you started while not actually shooting it down? Please allow David Lee Roth to show you precisely how it’s done, in the classic form of the open letter.

An Open Letter

I’m compelled to address the now-rampant rumors that Van Halen is playing the Superbowl. First of all let me say this — be still my pigskin heart. That honor has not been bestowed upon us at this time though it is one we would accept in a NY minute.

Having heard VH blaring through stadium speakers on any given Sunday – more like every given Sunday, the idea of playing there live would be like – ‘okay, now we’re in the game’.

Van Halen’s collective memories are – and with all due respect to each and every one of these memories, teeming with been-theres and done-that’s, but none include playing at the Superbowl. Playing at the Superbowl is a veritable holy grail of musical recognition, a highly prized rite of passage for (game-changing) artists. Not a spiritual rite with snake pits or Hebrew school or anything, but it’s up there.

We are not on Commissioner Goodell’s dance card at this time, but we would be most honored to dance the halftime away in New Orleans.

It’s an honor to be considered and for that we would like to thank the rumormongers all over the World Wide Web.

- D-Ro

First of all, I love that he calls himself D-Ro, because that’s just ridiculous. But I’m all for this, because as Spin points out, this is the same Van Halen that can reunite and sell 188,000 copies of its new album in its first week and then sell out arenas across the country, because people are desperate to believe that a couple guys in their mid-50s can recapture their old magic. And then the band turns around and inexplicably cancels 32 shows, offering no reason at all.

So yes, I’d love to see Van Halen get everyone worked up, only to no show the Super Bowl. Then we could just watch that dude bounce his crotch off a rope for 20 minutes. Maybe trot Kate Upton out there with a trampoline. Dream big, everyone.

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via OTBS.

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- Follow me personally @MrBrandonStroud and Burnsy @MayorBurnsy
- Like us on Facebook.

Links

Rob Gronkowski and Matt Light Partied After Last Night’s Super Bowl Loss - I don’t know Gronk personally, but I assume “play football” and “party” are his only two speeds. This is how he expresses sadness. [Brobible]

M.I.A.’s Middle Finger: A Synthetic Scandal - Here’s an idea: if a “mere apology” isn’t enough to make the PTC happy, stop apologizing to the PTC. [Warming Glow]

Nicki Minaj Slowed Down = Jay-Z - The best part of the halftime show was watching Minaj bug her eyes out repeatedly and try so hard not to be the center of attention. [High Definite]

Eric Rosado Presents “Sh*t Knicks Fans Say” - I wanted to make a “Sh*t Indians Fans Say” so With Leather could get a little traffic, but “we didn’t sign anybody” and “Jason Kipnis is pretty good!” don’t make an entertaining video. [Smoking Section]

Clint Eastwood’s Super Bowl Comercial Contradicting His Political Beliefs? - What about that time he shot a guy with a gun in the old west? Would he shoot someone in real life? Has he ever even lived in the old west? [Moviefone]

Extended Version Of Avengers Super Bowl Trailer Is Here, Sort Of Reveals Who’s In Loki’s Army - I hope there’s a plot point explaining why they undid all the good of Captain America’s 1940s costume and gave him that Morphsuit looking number. [Gamma Squad]

The new Spider-Man looks like a giraffe, wears track shoes - And speaking of bad super hero looks, I hope Spidey can see the Lizard through those pools of urine on his face. [Film Drunk]

The Best Of #Step Brothers - I swear, I’m so pissed off at my mom. As soon as she’s of age, I’m putting her in a home. [UPROXX]

Derpy Louisiana Congressman John Fleming Thinks The Onion Publishes Real News - This is Literally Unbelievable! I hope he never sees the story about the black neighborhood terrorized by an ask murderer. [UPROXX]

18 Jaw Dropping Photos Of Europe’s Deadly Winter - Click here for 23 jaw dropping photos from Bananarama’s Cruel Summer. [Buzzfeed]

SXSW Comedy Podcast Lineup Announced - Awesome, I can finally challenge the Sklar Brothers to a duel with swords. I don’t care, I’ll take them on at the same time, I bet they don’t even know how to use swords. [HuffPost Comedy]

15 of the World’s Weirdest Marriages, ‘I Now Pronounce You… What?!’ - I said “Chuck and Larry”. What, can you not hear me? [The FW]

Why Abed and Troy from Community are the Best Geeks on TV - The Big Bang Theory is the minstrel show of this generation. We need more shows about uncool people who actually exist. [Unreality]