Normally I leave the television you can write about without expressed, written consent to Warming Glow, but the first episode of ‘StuntBusters’ debuts Tuesday night on Speed and I felt it contained the right amounts of things exploding and women in heels surfing the hoods of cars to justify itself as a sports recommendation.

If the headline synopsis didn’t do it for you, perhaps the hilariously-direct “viewers can expect to see us blowin’ up cars” in the clip will win you over. Worst case scenario, you’ll watch it and go “oh wow who is this blonde lady” and google “Vanessa Vander Pluym” for the next forty minutes*.

A quick synopsis from the official website:

Stuntbusters is going to explore and explode motoring myths as we reveal the facts and figures behind the latest, fastest and hottest automotive technology on earth! Join our two fearless human crash test dummy stunt drivers, Garrett Hammond and Vanessa Vander Pluym, as they take it to the redline and beyond using our high-tech test lab equipped with cutting edge automotive technology and eye-popping graphic interfaces. Each high-octane experiment will be captured at one thousand frames per second; allowing us to slow the action down and dive into the physics behind the vehicular carnage!

I have it on good review-copy authority that future episodes of the show feature men on fire, people shooting guns at cars to make them explode (for science!) and a standard 99% chance of someone blowing something up and walking away from it without looking back. For science. I know that sometimes I walk a progressive line with this blog, but I hope we never get to the point where beautiful people firing rifles into gas tanks becomes a thing we don’t want to see.

For archiving reasons I am re-purposing this website as a chart for all the times this show makes me go “oh sh*t” at my television.

*She played Stacy in the ‘Parks and Recreation’ episode ‘The Banquet’!

Links

UPROXX Presents: The Best Of 5-Second Films, Part 2 - For the other five people in the world who think “Father and Son” is hilarious. Some of these look legitimately better than any movie released in theaters since like, March. [UPROXX]

25 Ray Guns, Blasters and Phasers Inspired by the Sci-Fi of Yesteryear - Zzzzzap. Zzzzzzap. [Gamma Squad]

The Best Costumes, Celebrities, and Pointless Merchandise from New York Comic Con - Hopefully Matt will let me do a Wizard World Austin version of this. Also, I hope I can save up enough money between now and November to pay for one entrance ticket to Wizard World Austin. [Warming Glow]

Google Will Kill Google Buzz, Google Music Store Reportedly Launching - Google should buy AOL, sell it to Yahoo, then buy Yahoo and sell it to Alta Vista. Then buy Webcrawler and Ask Jeeves and merge them into AssCrawler. [Smoking Section]

Fincher Says ScarJo’s Boobs Were Too Big For Dragon Tattoo, Basically - Beside, they already filmed her version of this, it’s called The Perfect Score and it’s awesome. [Film Drunk]

Trent Richardson Now Owns Senquez Golson’s Ankles - Just … ridiculously sick. Ridiculously sick. [Smoking Section]

Hot Chicks of Occupy Wall Street - No, Internet. Bad Internet, bad. [Buzzfeed]

‘The Three Musketeers 3D’ Was a Joke on ‘The Simpsons’ Twelve Years Ago - Not really. Moviefone is stretching here, but the clip is funny, and the Zorro rap song is one of my most solid in-theater references. [Moviefone]

Venture Bros.’ 9 Most Musical Moments - ATTN: Venture Bros. guys, Re: you are not Trey Parker, please stop making music for no reason and animated your funny television show. [Adult Swim]

The 10 Most Profitable 80′s Remakes - Future #1: My gritty, cyber-noir remake of Amazing Grace And Chuck. [Pajiba]

Obsessed Apple Fan Gets Steve Jobs Haircut - Average Person, if you’re reading this, your planned-for-Halloween zombie Steve Jobs costume is not a funny or clever idea. [Brobible]

A Steampunk Disney Princess Fashion Show - How did this start, honestly? Who was the first nerd to say “Doctor Who is cool, but he’d be cooler if his scarf had pipes”? [Unreality]

Arizona Cardinals defensive lineman Darnell Dockett is the reason why the @Storytime series exists. It began with him live-blogging a run-in with police and has featured his in-depth thoughts on the Casey Anthony murder trial with only enough time to buy an alligator between.

Lucky for us, Dockett continues to find himself in Tweetable situations — this time he accidentally brought a gun to a Cardinals practice facility in Arizona, realized his mistake, tweeted about it, and got upset when more than one person said “why are you carrying a gun everywhere”. He compares himself to Sean Taylor, explicitly explains which guns his has and where he keeps them, and the story ends with him vowing to protect his family by buying … well, I don’t want to ruin it for you.

Please enjoy our continuing journey through the mind of an extremely sane man with @Storytime, after the jump.

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Three-time WWE and one-time-until-he-f**ked-with-the-wrong-Mexican UFC Heavyweight Champion Brock Lesnar has just recovered from digestive intestinal disease surgery, and like anyone else he’s getting back into the swing of physical competition by eating Jimmy John’s in a field and using a machine gun to shoot giant bullets at prairie dogs to make them backflip thirty times.

Fusion© ammunition presents Brock’s big comeback video, which involves his older brother Chad, a discussion about how you can learn to respect various types of ammo by testing them scientifically on rodents in distant holes, and a bag of beef jerky. That can’t be good for your intestines. Is there an ethnic group that stereotypically loves beef jerky? That might explain it. Animal rights opinions aside, standing on a hillside with a Fat Man and launching Mini-Nukes at athletic gophers isn’t a great way to get back in shape or learn to respect things. But this is Brock Lesnar we’re talking about. This guy once broke the one leg of a one-legged guy in front of his own mother, then pushed the handicapped one-legged guy down a flight of stairs. And that’s just when he was pretending to hurt people.

I’m going to guess Cain Velasquez is “getting ready for the Fall” by beating people at fighting.

[h/t 411 Mania]

Tampa Bay Ray Evan Longoria was robbed during Spring Training, and yesterday he was able to find some closure. From a report via Tampa’s News Leader™ WTSP 10

A Port Charlotte man was arrested Wednesday for his involvement in the burglary and grand theft of a Tampa Bay Rays spring training rental home earlier this year.

Steven Charles Vaughn, 22, is charged with Armed Burglary of an Unoccupied Dwelling, Grand Theft and Dealing in Stolen Property. Vaughn was already in jail on unrelated charges.

While the Rays were at a spring training game in nearby Charlotte Stadium on March 26, thieves got into their home and stole $60,000 worth of items, including numerous electronics, watches, jewelry and an AK-47 that belonged to third baseman Evan Longoria.

His jewelry and his what?

Yes, apparently Evan Longoria has a stash of automatic weapons in his home, and it may or may not be because he’s one of Gillette’s “Young Guns”. Regardless, it’s always good when a robbery gets solved, and The Dugout is pleased to present this exclusive transcript of the police report that led to an arrest. Of, uh, a guy already in jail. But still.

Today’s Dugout is after the jump.

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Hi. This is uh, David Smith, senior. And he is the humannnn … home run. Or the human cannonball. /awkward smile

69-year old “Cannonball” Smith turning himself into a human home run between games of a doubleheader between the Connecticut Tigers and Lowell Spinners on Tuesday, making him the first old man to fly over a minor league fence since the Norfolk Tides manager Gary Allenson went climbing out of spite last month. Smith’s trip was much more dignified, which is funny when you consider he was dressed like an American flag and being shot out of a cannon.

I miss the good old days when you had to actually do something ridiculous like this as a trade if you wanted to be famous for doing something dumb. The very best part of this story isn’t a senior citizen flying to his death on some rural hill, it’s the reverse angle video (after the jump) where you find out he preps for flight with Rick Derringer’s (and more important, Hulk Hogan’s) “Real American”. I’m glad he’s using it, too, because being a human home run is way more American than bodyslamming a fat guy from France.

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