In 2007, Englishman Marek Turowsk had a dream – he wanted to set the world land speed record for a couch. It’s a bold, silly dream, sure. But who are we to deny a man’s ambition? Within a year, Turowsk showed the world that dreams do come true, as he launched his couch with a rocket or engine or something like that inside of it to a mind-blowing speed of 148 km/h. My conversion may be off but I think that’s like 1,000 miles per hour.

Sadly, Australia’s Paul McKinnon said, “F*ck your couch” this week and shattered Turowsk’s record by driving his couch 163 km/h. That’s like light speed, I think. So why do you do this? Better yet, how do you do this?

“It’s the oddest vehicle we’ve ever built,” he said.

“With race cars, you can use the aerodynamic body kit … but with the couch, it was a matter of just doing what we could. We tried to break the airflow with the coffee table.”

(Via The Herald Sun)

As for that “Why?” question, the answer is pretty simple – money. The coffee table was presumably added because the coffee company Ice Break came up with the idea for McKinnon and his team to break this record so they could add a coffee table to their couch and call it cross-promotional. Whatever, a company could offer me a million dollars to swallow a condom full of scorpions and I’d probably check to make sure my camera was charged.

I just miss the days when America had competitive leisure furniture vehicles. Time to find your priorities, Obama.

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The Guinness Book of World Records is promoting the hell out of its upcoming 2012 edition, and rightfully so. Over the past year, people from around the world have gone to ridiculous lengths to achieve immortality, despite the fact that no matter what they do someone will just do it better next year. Either way, people are desperate to achieve fame so they’ll do whatever they can, even if it means sleeping with a Kardashian.

Included in this year’s batch are records like the World’s Largest Cow (sadly not related to the World’s Largest Mom), most balloons inflated by nose, most balloons popped by a dog (unrelated), the longest cucumber, most Twitter followers (to Lady Attention Gaga up there) and the largest collection of Dr. Who Daleks. You know that guy gets some serious action, too.

But there were too many to show proper respect to today so I picked just a few to shine the spotlight on, mainly because I need all the time I can get for setting the world record for staring at Scarlett Johansson’s leaked cell phone pics. Wish me luck!

We're gonna need more Kate Uptons STAT!

Over the past few weeks, we’ve been introduced to Donna Simpson, the World’s Fattest Mom who is being forced to lose weight or she will die, and Susanne Eman, the “World’s Fattest Woman” who wants to be fatter. Well I’ve got some great news for both of them – Lean Pockets are 2 for $4 at Publix this week and Eman now has a reason to get fatter. It turns out that she’s not the fattest woman on Earth, as the Guinness Book of World Records has bestowed that honor upon 47-year old Pauline Potter of Sacramento, CA. It gets better – Potter will be featured in the 2012 edition’s section on “Extreme Beauty.”

*air guitars, kick flips into pool filled with mayonnaise*

So what does the new Queen of Un-Lean Cuisine have to say for herself?

“Everything people take for granted—those are the things I dream of,” Potter told People of not being able to live the life she wanted. “I’m not living. I want more.” (Via Third Age)

While I’m no nutritionist, I think the easy first step is to remove the pudding IV. But apparently Potter, who blames her weight on being a “compulsive eater” so she might as well also claim to be a sex addict with ADD living in fear of Lord Xenu*, wants to be a one-and-done record holder and use this notoriety to get some help. Free help, of course.

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Kate Upton's presence required as a visual Band-Aid.

Two weeks ago, I brought you the incredibly brave story of Susanne Eman, an Arizona woman who is not only a Guinness World Record holder, but is also aspiring to be so much better at what she is famous for. Her claim to fame, of course, is that she is the fattest woman in the world and she is trying to become heavier. Sadly, one of her biggest peers is being forced to do the opposite.

Donna Simpson of New Jersey (least shocking detail ever) earned her own Guinness World Record back in 2007, when she became the heaviest woman to ever give birth. Now, though, after her fiancé dumped her, Simpson has come to a devastating crossroads – either lose weight or die.

“This life-changing move made me realise something important. The health and welfare of my family was always my priority and they were well taken care of by my ex.

“Now that I have sole responsibility of taking care of my children, I must drastically change my lifestyle.”

But she added: “That is, unless I meet someone who wants me to be heavier. But I need to lose enough weight so I can do things for myself, like get out of showers.” (Via The Sun)

Hear that, single guys? Sure, she needs to lose weight to stay alive, but if you want her not to lose weight – and, you know, die – then she’s all yours. This may even be a good opportunity to start my new fat people dating site, Thatch.com.

Witness true love and a terrible stereotype after the jump, and for the much braver among us, you can check out what is sure to be Simpson’s dating profile picture.

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Chris Brown included twice for emphasis.

While everyone believes that the college football season begins this week, SEC football fans were treated to a special preseason warm-up on Sunday, as National Bow Tie Day was celebrated. Of course I’m alluding to a popular style that fans at schools like Auburn, Alabama, and Georgia have cultivated and maintained, and that Florida fans have shamelessly stolen. But this year’s bow tie fun actually took place in Chicago’s Wrigley Square, where The Tie Bar hosted the Guinness World Record-setting attempt for the most people tying a bow tie at the same time.

According to Racked:

As the number of participants grew, so did the money raised for Goodwill. TheTieBar.com committed to donating $15 to charity for each participant to sign up at the event and will ultimately make a $7,500 donation to Goodwill. Additionally, one lucky guest also won a free bow tie every month for the next year in a raffle hosted by The Tie Bar.

I’m always a sucker for giving credit to excellent charitable efforts, so I tip my cap and straighten my clip-on tie for their efforts. Granted, it could have used more shirtless females and possibly some mud, pudding, or pillow altercations, but it is what it is. Hipsters and heroes after the jump.

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Following up a story from a few weeks ago, the residents of Fremont, Nebraska can finally breathe a heavy sigh of relief. They’re world record holders.

The Guinness Book of World Records has declared that the disgusting 1,652-pound pile of Spam on a giant piece of bread qualifies as the world’s largest open-faced sandwich, barely beating out Somalia’s dust on a cracker.

Mayor Scott Getzschman said his city recently received word that the 1,652-pound Spam sandwich – or “Spamwich” – created July 9 as part of the John C. Fremont Days celebration has been certified by the Guinness World Records.

“I’m excited for Fremont and I’m excited for Don Cunningham who organized the event,” Getzschman said. “It took quite a bit of planning.”

Getzschman said Cunningham and his wife, Nan, hand delivered the documentation for the sandwich to Guinness officials while on a vacation to London. The previous record holder was a 1,337-pound pork sandwich created by Moore’s Bar-B-Que in New Bern, N.C. (Via Omaha World Herald)

After London, Cunningham is also going to swing by Beirut to discuss the world’s largest dump that the town took after finishing the sandwich.

So is that the worst of the world record news for this week? You wish. Each week, I sort through this news out of my own personal fascination over what people will do for fame. And I fear I will never build immunity to the shock that each new week delivers. See for yourself after the jump.

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