*takes off glasses, wipes single tear from cheek*

It is with a very heavy heart that I report that yesterday, at the age of 26 years and 8 months, Pusuke the Shiba Inu passed away at his home in Japan. Early reports indicate that Pusuke died from natural causes – adorable, furry natural causes. Last December, Pusuke became not only a legend in his own country, but also the world, when he was named the World’s Oldest Dog by the Guinness Book of World Records.

Pusuke is the ninth oldest dog in recorded history, as the oldest dog ever was a 29-year old Australian cattle dog named Bluey. But Pusuke almost didn’t even make it to accept his title last year, as he had been hit by a car and nearly killed only weeks before. You can take Pusuke’s balls, but you can’t take his balls.

As for his final moments…

Pusuke refused to eat and also had difficulty breathing, before peacefully passing away in the afternoon. Ms. Shinohara arrived home just five minutes before Pusuke died, after she was out running errands.

Shinohara, 42, said: “I think (Pusuke) waited for me to come home.

“I was with Pusuke for 26 years and I felt as if he was my child. I thank him for living so long with me.”

(Via Digital Journal)

The great Jack Donaghy once said, “For God’s sake, if we can put an ear on a mouse’s back, we can certainly make a peacock immortal.” I like to think that goes for dogs, too.

If ever there was an argument against universal health care, perhaps it’s the story of Paul Mason, a British man who currently weighs in at approximately 420-pounds. But Mason’s original claim to fame was the title of the World’s Fattest Man, a feat that was once recognized by the Guinness Book of World Records when the bloke weighed a ridiculous 980-pounds. That’s whole lotta fish n’ chips, guvna.

But good for him, right? After all, it must take a lot of incredibly hard work and $5 dollar footlongs to shed 560-pounds. Of course not, because Mason took the easy road and had gastric bypass surgery last year. Now here’s the fun part – Mason’s surgery cost about $47,000 and the government’s National Health Service footed the bill. In all, Mason’s surgeries have cost taxpayers roughly $1.5 million and he wants the government to continue to pay for every last nip and tuck, including fat fold removals.

Following surgery which reduced his weight to 37 stone by the beginning of 2011, Mason was reportedly set to sue the NHS, not for any complications with the operation but because he blamed the NHS for not helping him control his weight. According to the Daily Mail, Mason said “I want to set a precedent so no one else has to get to the same size.” Instead of taking personal responsibility for his weight gain Mason believed the NHS was at fault for sending him to a dietitian rather than an eating disorder specialist.

(Via the Digital Journal, via the HuffPo.)

See, this is the drawback to world records. As much as I love to draw attention to ridiculous people and competitive events, they still give guys like Mason undeserved fame. And now to make matters worse, this convicted felon – he used to be a mailman but was busted for stealing money from people’s private letters – wants to act like he’s the champion of lard asses.

So I have a solution that benefits all of us – Guinness can still award people the titles of Fattest Man and Fattest Woman, but the record keepers will also allow people like me to have a bigger platform with which to make fun of them. I’m thinking a huge roast. Mainly so I can say, “A huge roast. You’d like that, wouldn’t you, you fat f*ck.”

Black Friday claims more victims.

Last year, 4,093 people gathered in New Jersey’s Asbury Park to set the world record for the most people dressed like zombies in one place. Not surprisingly, a group of Mexicans broke that record this weekend, more efficiently and for less money, I assume. What the hell has happened to my America? More than 10,000 zombies got together in Mexico City on Saturday, which is also bad news for a recent gathering in Australia of 8,000+ zombie lovers. Let’s face it – when it comes to dressing up like zombies and standing around for no reason other than a love of moaning, Mexico is the best.

But these gatherings are pretty common these days – there was one down the street from me in Orlando just a few months ago – and they’ve left me wondering about a rather important issue. I’m a huge fan of zombie movies and literature, so the idea that there could be a zombie apocalypse exists in my mind. So if all these people are stumbling around at a snail’s pace and moaning, and they’re covered in blood and gashes, would I get in trouble if I started hitting them with shovels?

I mean, “Sorry your honor, but I really thought they were the undead bringers of the apocalypse and I wasn’t going down without a fight” would have to hold up in court, right? Someone needs to look into that.

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For the seventh year in a row, people all over the world gathered to perform ridiculous tasks and insane stunts for the sake of getting their names in the Guinness Book of World Records. Sadly, this is just a reminder to me that another year has come and gone without me setting the world record for making out with the most super models named Kate Upton at the same time, but if someone would hold up her part of the record, I wouldn’t have to keep moping.

Among the incredibly not ridiculous records broken this year included the most people whistling at one time, the world’s largest Zumba class, the planet’s biggest coloring book, and the most people to ever partake in a speed-dating event. That last one happened in China, so I assume that like 10,000,000 babies are due about 9 months from now. But those records were just the tips of the dork icebergs.

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I’m a pretty healthy guy, but sometimes I get halfway up a flight of steps and consider lying down and napping it off. The guy in the turban and the not-exactly-matching track suit is Fauja Singh, a shoot 100-year old man who completed the Scotiabank Toronto Waterfront Marathon in close to eight hours, making him the oldest person to finish the 26.2-mile race. It’s official: I’ve lost my last excuse, and now must come to terms with the fact that I’m terrible and bad at everything.

From NBC New York:

It was the eighth marathon for Singh, who was born India in 1911 and did not start running marathons until he was 89, after he moved to England following the death of his wife and son. He says not smoking or drinking alcohol throughout his life, combined with a vegetarian diet and up to 10 miles of walking or running per day are the secrets to his health.

“He says no one is forcing him to do it. It’s his desire to do it,” coach and translator Harmander Singh said Sunday in an interview with CNN. “He wanted to do one when he’s 100 and today’s the day.”

I like that they included the statement from his trainer, as if he was a Toddler in a Tiara and was being forced to jog for eight hours. Anyway, Singh’s 8:25.17 put him six hours behind the winner, 38-year old Kenneth Mungara of Kenya, and the “Sikhs in the City” shirt he wore for the race is proof that he’s legitimately 100. The run not only gets him a story on NBC New York and national coverage as an inspiration but a spot in the Guinness Book Of World Records, topping the previous Oldest Marathoner, Dimitrion Yordanidis, a 98-year old who ran in Athens in 1976.

You can check out footage of him finishing up the race after the jump.

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As most of our half-drunk, all-miserable middle school social studies teachers taught us, Australia was destined for coolness from the very first day that the British started shipping their criminals there. In fact, it’s pretty disappointing in retrospect that the American colonies couldn’t make Georgia cooler than it is, but we can’t change history. We can only celebrate what it has given us.

In this case, Australia’s history has given us great things like kangaroos, boomerangs, giant beer cans, the first two Crocodile Dundee movies, and newspaper stories about koala bears in car crashes. This past weekend, though, Australia outdid itself, as 357 women of all ages (but mostly within our key pervert demographic) gathered to recapture the most important world record of all-time – the longest bikini parade.

Australia had previously broken the record a few years back but it was later captured by efforts in Las Vegas and most recently the Cayman Islands. But now this prestigious honor returns to where it belongs, in the Down Under with a hoard of attractive women. Alas, I would be lying if I said I did not want for other countries to continuously challenge this record for the sake of competition. And if they could do it every week around Tuesday, that would work perfectly for our traffic.

Enjoy the best of Australia’s newest and most important world record.

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