Here’s a story that will make you laugh, then cry, then want to find like four cats and tie them together and try to make things right.

Meet Stewie, the Guinness World Record holder for “World’s Longest Cat.”

The longest domestic cat is Mymains Stewart Gilligan (Stewie to his furr-ends), who is 123 cm (48.5 in) long. He is owned by Robin Hendrickson and Erik Brandsness (USA) and was measured on 28 August 2010.

Mymains Stewart Gillligan is a 5 year-old Maine Coon.

I wish the story could end with THIS CAT IS LONGER THAN EVERY OTHER CAT EVER THAT IS AMAZING, but it doesn’t. Stewie spent the last few years battling cancer and passed away earlier in the week. I can’t think of anything more directly saddening on the Internet than “a special cat has died.” Stewie’s owner posted a farewell video on his Facebook fan page (because he has that) and gives the poor guy a chance to say goodbye. The tears we cry for Long Cat are long.

Here’s a clip of Stewie in happier days, from his Guinness World Records video.

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It has been a while since we last checked in on some of the more unique world record holders, from the world’s fattest woman to the other world’s fattest woman, as well as all of their lovers that have come and gone in between. Unfortunately, our spotlight is only big enough for one of these women at a time, and this week’s star is 39-year old Mikel Ruffinelli, who unlike those other rotund record holders, has managed to have her cake and eat it, too, in that she has a world record and her health isn’t in horrific danger. Well, according to her at least.

Ruffinelli currently holds the record for the world’s largest hips, as her body’s circumference measures an incredible eight feet, and you can leave your judgments at the salad bar, because she is wide with pride.

‘I love my shape and I see no reason to diet because I don’t have health problems,’ explains Mikel, has a proportionally small 40-inch waist. ‘Men don’t fancy skinny girls, they like an hourglass figure.’ (Via the Daily Mail)

Just for perspective, this is what an hourglass looks like. But again, Ruffinelli is proud of what she has accomplished, despite the remarkable limitations that she’s chosen to live with.

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In the best Power Rangers World Record news since Red Ranger Jason beat Bulk’s longstanding Angel Grove Youth Center weightlifting mark of 1,010 bench presses, mixed martial artist Jason David Frank — best known for his role as Green Power Ranger Tommy Oliver — has broken the Guinness World Record for “most pine boards broken in freefall.”

Seems like this would be a good time to send down a batch of Putties, but what do I know? I’m not a crazy Asian moon lady.

Jeffrey “Jay” Veenendaal, left, holds a pine board as Jason David Frank right, breaks a board while setting the “Most pine boards broken in freefall” Guiness World Record while skydiving at Skydive Spaceland Thursday, Jan. 17, 2013, in Rosharon. Frank broke 7 pine boards to break the existing record of 2 pine boards. (via Chron)

Here’s a picture of him receiving his official World Record certificate, with a disappointing lack of guys in foam monster costumes in the background:

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In only a week, YouTube user “hippykiller1” – a handle after my own heart – has amassed more than 5.1 million views on his video entitled, “The World’s Shortest Escalator”. But what on Earth could that incredibly confusing title mean? As it turns out, it means that Mr. Killer1 believes that he indeed found the world’s shortest escalator at the More’s department store in Kawasaki, Japan. As the narrator explains, this 32.8-inch exercise in laziness is apparently a “thing of beauty and magnificence”, but to me it sounds like something you’d find in a Central Florida Walmart.

Unfortunately for hippykiller1, though, his claim that these moving stairs hold the Guinness World Record for being the shortest is a bit unfounded. In fact, it’s completely unfounded, because it’s nowhere on the Guinness website. Shock and controversy in the world of meaningless data to begin 2013!

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When it comes to Christmas and birthday cards, I’ve always been a lot like Jerry Seinfeld in the sense that I’ve never known how long you’re supposed to keep a card for. I mean, it’s just a piece of paper with something already written on it, and then your mom’s or a hot Asian model’s signature. But just to be safe, I now have a box of cards that I keep in my home office (AKA the Fart Factory) in case one of my insane relatives ever calls and demands to see whatever Snoopy joke they sent me in 2002. And now I just want to scratch my name out and send all of those cards to 9-year old Dalton Dingus in Kentucky.

Dalton is dying from cystic fibrosis and his one wish is to break the Guinness World Record for receiving the most Christmas cards. It started as something with his family, friends and neighbors, but then, as always, the Internet went to work. Excuse me while I set the world record for most allergic reactions.

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Real Talk: I’ve been getting really tired of all of these stupid “online petitions” to the White House for Barack Obama to do this or that in regard to something incredibly meaningless, like forcing Jerry Jones to sell the Dallas Cowboys or “pardoning” the Ohio State Buckeyes for Jim Tressel’s cheating ways or saving dying kids in Kapoopystan. Well I’m sorry to be the jerk, people, but God intended for people to get sick and the Buckeyes to be punished. However, if an online petition would work in making it so that Caddyshack 2 never existed, then I’d allow for this lame trend to continue. Thanks, I just wanted to get that off my chest.

Speaking of ridiculous trick golf clubs – segue of the year? – Texas club pro Michael Furrh, whose name is so much fun to say out loud, recently broke the world record for the longest golf club. The standing record had been set by Karsten Maas in 2009 with a 13’5’’ driver, but Furrh topped that with 14-feet even. So why would he do that? Who the hell knows, but he was able to drive a ball 146 yards with his PVC pipe with a club head, and that makes me feel like absolute crap with my horrible slice and lack of focus.

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