Hockey Pro-Tip: Don’t Jump Over Someone’s Neck If You’ve Got Blades On Your Feet

Written by Brandon Stroud / 09.12.12
Hockey throat slash

That doesn't look good.

That image should be a pretty clear indication that the following video isn’t for the squeamish.

KHL defenseman Denis Sokolov had his carotid artery sliced open by the skate of former NHL player Jan Bulis during a game between the Yekaterinburg Automobilist and Traktor Chelyabinsk.

Reports from overseas indicate that Sokolov lost nearly a pint of blood when Bulis’s skate clipped him at the start of the final frame but the 37-year-old said he expects to be back for the Sept. 20 game against Khanty-Mansiysk.

First of all, “Automobilist” is my new favorite sports team name. I hope their mascot is just a guy in a mid-sized Sedan Second of all, holy shit, this guy got jumped over during a hockey game, caught a blade to the neck and lost almost a pint of blood. That’s insane. I would okay never losing a pint of blood for any reason, especially doing something for work, or something I’ve considered fun for most of my life.

It’s great that he’s coming back so quickly, and if he doesn’t have a flashback freakout every time he gets knocked to the ice from now until infinity, he’s a much braver man than me. Video is below. It’s not as bad looking as you might imagine, but it still involves a trail of blood leading to a big puddle, so viewer discretion is advised.

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Tommy John Is The Grossest Person In History

Written by Brandon Stroud / 07.27.12

Todd Coffey Tommy John surgery

Take a good, long look at Los Angeles Dodgers reliever Todd Coffey’s elbow. Notice how it looks like a perfectly normal elbow, and not like something from your nightmares?

Coffey tweeted a picture of what his elbow looks like now, immediately following Tommy John surgery. For those of you who might not be familiar with Tommy John surgery, it’s a surgical graft procedure in which a ligament in the medial elbow is replaced with a tendon from elsewhere in the body and they add a bunch of braces and sew it up to look like the ass-to-mouth-end of a Human Centipede.

That picture has been included after the jump, because I don’t want you to scroll down the main page looking for Kate Upton galleries and start throwing up everywhere.

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Ohhh My Goddddd

Written by Brandon Stroud / 06.28.12

Wait, don’t click that yet.

The video above is of Bulgarian sprinter Georgi Kirilov Georgiev trying to finish the 100m at the European Athletics Championships and … not finishing. His leg buckles in the most horrific way imaginable without a nest of spiders bursting from it and he ends up lying on the track with one functioning leg and one gigantic Twizzler dangling from his pelvis. It is the stuff of nightmares.

Okay, now click it.

Terror-inducing image after the jump.

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Now He’s The Ultimate One-Armed Fighter

Written by Brandon Stroud / 05.10.12

I’ve never fought professionally, so this video has taught me a valuable lesson — if a guy has his body wrapped around my arm and is trying to break it, I shouldn’t stand up and shake my arm around to make him stop.

By way of Cage Potato comes this clip from ‘The Ultimate Fighter: Brazil’ of Rony “Jason” Mariano Bezerra giving Team Wanderlei its first win, a first-round submission victory over Anistavio “Gasparzinho” Medeiros de Figueiredo. When they’re done ultimately fighting they should have a contest to see who can have the most names.

Anyway, sh*t gets real at the 1:40 mark, and a few moments and horrible noises later, Gasparzinho walks away with a spaghetti arm. Now Jason gets to square off with Hugo “Wolverine” Viana in the featherweight semis, and if I know anything about Wolverine I know it’s gonna take a lot more than that to break his arm. Advice: dismember him and bury the parts on different continents.

Two additional notes:

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How To React When Someone Politely Snaps Your Arm In Half

Written by Brandon Stroud / 04.10.12

Kimura arm breakThis video’s YouTube description fills you in on the details:

must watch arm breaks

Uh, okay, maybe it doesn’t, but you must watch this guy’s arm break has he gets trapped in a kimura, tries to fight his way out of it and ends up with one of Stretch Armstrong’s bendy arms.

The best parts (besides the bone snapping and the horrible “Bo Jackson hitting a home run” noise it makes) has to be the reaction of the fighters. The guy doing the snapping reacts like a normal person might — by stopping, asking if the guy he just debilitated is okay and making OH GOD I BROKE HIS ARM I THINK faces at the referee. The guy with the jelly limb just kinda kneels there in acceptance, overcome by some combination of shock and adrenaline. I guess I’m not expecting him to scream NOOOO and roll around holding his arm or anything, but damn.

Whatever he’s thinking at this moment, I hope it includes the phrase, “Please God, don’t ever let my elbow make comic book action noises again”.

[h/t to Jessica/Lobster Mobster by way of MiddleEasy]

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Jharal Yow Yeh’s Horrifying Ankle Injury: At Least Your Monday Will Be Better Than His

Written by Brandon Stroud / 03.26.12

Jharal Yow Yeh: the Brisbane Broncos player who gets injured in this video, and the noise you make when you land wrong and snap your ankle so badly that a sock is the only thing keeping us from seeing your leg guts.

The injury took place in a round 4 National Rugby League match between the Broncos and the South Sydney Rabbitohs*. I can’t provide a lot of in-depth analysis, because every time I try to do that with rugby I end up horribly wrong (examples: “That’s not rugby, that’s Australian Rules Football!” or “That’s not rugby, that’s curling!”), but I can say with confidence that the only thing grosser than an ankle shard protruding through your skin is how rugby enthusiasts on YouTube respond to jokes about it:

Yeah, the theater joke the guy made is way worse than what you said.

[h/t The Last Angry Fan]

*That’s how people in anime say “rabbit”.**
**It’s also the original name for Trix cereal.

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