It happens every year. They start playing NBA games again, three days after the last goddamn season ended, and I look up and say, “Good Lord, they’re playing basketball again?! Jesus.” Not a lot of time off in Davey Stern’s sweatshop. But hey, only eight more months and thirty league-altering trades until you know which random assemblage of players is sort of peaking at the right time! Whee!
Last night marked Greg Oden’s debut as an NBA player, after losing his rookie season to microfracture surgery. And it took a mere 13 minutes for him to sprain his foot and cause Blazers fans to realize that the 60-year-old man their team drafted might have the occasional persistent health problem or two. Oden finished with 0 points and 5 rebounds as Portland fell to the Lakers 96-76. Kobe “Wrong Hole” Bryant went for 23/11/5 in leading the defending Western Conference Champs.
As for the Blazers, they’re left to wonder what other new and horrifying old-guy ailments await their would-be star center. Maybe rheumatoid arthritis will pop up. Maybe Parkinson’s. The possibilities really are quite limitless. Maybe if the NBA gave its players, you know, AN ACTUAL OFFSEASON, this might not be such a recurring issue.
Elsewhere in the league: the fackin’ Celtics beat the LeBron and his LeTeam 90-85. Scar anathah triumph far the hahhhd-warkin’ fans of Celtic Nation! And the Bulls beat the Bucks 108-95 in a game that was watched only by the players participating in it.
For the three of you that give a crap about the NBA right now and want to get your season preview fix, head over to FreeDarko, where they previewed EVERY FREAKIN’ GAME OF THE YEAR. OCD much, gentlemen?
Here's a video of the TrailBlazers deferred-rookie center Greg Oden being funny and not dying. I don't know what these "ESPY" things are that he keeps talking about, but I sure hope he got to be the host. I mean, anyone endorsed by their mom HAS to be good. I'd give anything for my mother's approval.
Although this photo taken by alleged bigamist Andrew doesn't show Greg Oden's face, it is indeed the TrailBlazers center at the infield of the Indy 500, where he entertained a crowd of young Midwesterners enjoying their youth before they put on the extra 40 pounds they'll gain by their 30th birthdays. There is also a little person, which creates a humorous situation because he is short, while Oden is tall. What a wacky juxtaposition!
Anyway, you may have seen this on other websites already, but those posts were probably littered with question marks and statements like "IF it is Greg Oden" because a lot of bloggers are too fucking lazy or stupid or both to do some rudimentary fact-checking. Don't get me wrong: I HATE fact-checking, but when I saw this, I was like, "Hey, why don't I check Oden's blog at Yardbarker to see if he wrote about it?" Then, when I saw that there was no post about Indy, I decided to — you'll never believe this — email YB's editor to see if he could verify that Oden was indeed there. Lemme tell you, it was back-breaking work, but the answer is: yes, it's really Greg Oden.
So was it worth waiting an extra day to get concrete truth instead of rumor and innuendo? Hell, I dunno. I'm just here to look at some tits. Tits, dude. Tits.
Not much in the way of NBA news for the last week, so I'm ending today with this little bit of whimsy: future TrailBlazers center Greg Oden at the grocery store. It's good to see such a young man with so much money grounded in reality. Because seriously, who puts heavy shit on top of light bulbs and eggs?
Greg Oden won't play this season:
Oden, a 7-footer from Ohio State, was found to have torn cartilage during exploratory surgery on his right knee and was operated on by team doctor Don Roberts in Vancouver, Wash. Most microfracture surgeries require eight months to a year for recovery. "Greg had an arthroscopy and a microfracture surgery today," Roberts said in a Blazers statement. "He was found to have articular cartilage damage in his right knee. The area of injury was not large and we were able to treat it with microfracture, which stimulates the growth of cartilage.
You know what else stimulates the growth of cartilage? Strippers. Are the Blazers disappointed?
"Certainly this is a setback, but our future is still incredibly bright," Portland general manager Kevin Pritchard said in a statement. "Is it disappointing? Yes. However, this is a great core of talent and players of strong character and will continue to be."
Translation for season ticket holders in the Rose Garden: you will be selling your tickets for less than face-value on Stub Hub. -KD
FanHaus superstar Miss Gossip sat down with Greg Oden at the presentation of the Gatorade High School Athletes of the Year awards a few days ago. The result was instant classic:
Dear G-OD, this might be the greatest interview conducted since Eli Cash went on 'The Peter Bradley Show' all fucked up on peyote. And I’m not just saying that just because The Jones 'cast was name-dropped. Well, maybe I am. I'm a vain lil' prick.
Amazing job, Miss Gossip. -JES
