You know, for some reason I thought Ndamukong Suh transmogrifying from the Bob’s Big Boy to humiliate the Cleveland Browns was going to be the best part of this video, but no, in the very next scene he uses a Spirit Bomb to attack Jay Cutler (which, while hilarious, doesn’t seem necessary … you had to break out the Spirit Bomb to defeat Jay Cutler?). And somewhere near the end, Suh gets put in a circus cage as punishment for killing Evan Dietrich-Smith, dismembering him and eating his bones, complete with Resident Evil 1 blood spray. A part of me wishes it’d actually gone down like that, just to see what the NFL would do.

I felt weird sharing the animated Taiwanese reports for the Jerry Sandusky thing, so I’m happy they’re back to making ridiculously-layered-with-reference mountains out of sports blurb molehills. I also love that they can animate someone being killed and eaten but can’t make the numbers on the football jerseys the right size.

Former “American Idol” contestant Lauren Alaina became the show’s latest singer to be shoe-horned into a NFL broadcast for the sake of synergy, as she sang the National Anthem before yesterday’s game between the Detroit Lions and Green Bay Packers. And as we have come to expect from today’s pop singers, she screwed it up.

Granted, Alaina didn’t complete botch it like some of the other derps we’ve seen in recent history, but she did pause and hesitate for a few seconds before finally remembering the words to the song that we all learned in elementary school. And much like today’s stars, Alaina took to Twitter to clear it all up.

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"HE HAD A BUG ON HIS SHOULDER!"

For the Green Bay Packers, the Thanksgiving against the Detroit Lions was business as usual. The Packers won 27-15 and remain undefeated, while the Lions now have to worry about the fate of Ndamukong Suh, who entered the game as the overwhelming players’ consensus as the dirtiest player in the NFL. With the game still well within reach for his team, Suh found himself tangled up with Packers offensive lineman Evan Dietrich-Smith, leading to a Thanksgiving tribute to Albert Haynesworth.

Suh, as video highlights will prove until another player does something even more stupid to top it, shoved Dietrich-Smith’s helmet into the ground as he stood up and then, for good measure, stomped his shoulder. Of course, us Friday Morning Quarterbacks have the easy job of watching video to determine what happened. We’re not down in the thick of it to experience what really happened. Take Suh’s version, for instance.

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If you had told me that someone was going to conduct a poll in Wisconsin about Green Bay Packers quarterback Aaron Rodgers’ popularity, I would have slapped you and told you to stop wasting money. Alas, Public Policy Poling (which deserves to be slapped just for that name) went ahead with a popularity poll recently that asked Wisconsinites their opinions on public and political figures, and, of course, Rodgers, who is believed to be able to simply snap his fingers to make a super model orgy appear.

When the poll results came in, Rodgers broke the state’s polling record with a favorable rating of 89%. I assume the other 11% is angry fathers with ugly daughters who can’t get knocked up with Rodgers’ seed. So of course the polling company decided to conduct another poll to see who could possibly beat Rodgers.

Lincoln, who freed the slaves while fighting to keep the United States together in the Civil War, was seen positively by 91% of Americans, compared to only 2% who had an unfavorable opinion. Jesus Christ came in with a 90% favorability rating, but 3% of voters saw him in a negative light.

Two other figures beat the 80% favorability mark: George Washington, the general who earned the title of “Father of his country,” at 86% and Mother Teresa, the late humanitarian who tended the sick and dying in India for more than four decades and who is on her way to becoming a Roman Catholic saint. She rated an 83% favorability score.

(Via the Los Angeles Times)

There you have it – Aaron Rodgers, 1% worse than Jesus.

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Well, the time comes when the lights need to be turned on and the party must end. We had a good run of 10 weeks, as we watched the league’s worst teams flop around like wounded ducks as a few of them tried to convince us they weren’t losing on purpose for the 2012 NFL Draft’s top prize – Stanford QB Andrew Luck. Unfortunately, our party is pretty much over and we can stick a fork in this Suck for Luck campaign. Barring a miracle – and by that I mean the sudden desire to win – the Indianapolis Colts will have the first pick in the next draft.

And that’s fine, because that’s what their fans and ownership openly pined for to very little criticism. Apparently the Colts are allowed to lose on purpose, so let’s all tip our caps to the eventual team that will make Luck the No. 1 pick. In the meantime, we’ll take one last rundown of the power(less) rankings – and don’t worry, we’ll still review each game in our own fun way in the coming weeks – while I try to decide if I want the Miami Dolphins Whiffin’ for Robert Griffin III or Playing Lames for LaMichael James. Maybe Losing Whack, Son for Justin Blackmon?

Decisions, decisions.

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I guess the yelling GOAAAAAAAAAL thing is the best part of being a soccer announcer, but I feel like if I watched a guy try to jump into the stands and end up trapped in a field-side bush I’d stop screaming for a second and say something about it. I don’t know, ask if he’s okay, laugh at him, something.

Fabio Santos scored with a backwards header during Vitoria’s 3-1 weekend win over Criciuma and, in an incredibly human moment, tried to celebrate with a Lambeau Leap and got eaten by a hedge. That’s a nice microcosm of life, isn’t it? Passion and a pair of legs can give you the grace to score a complex soccer goal and the futility to think you can clear a bush while everyone’s watching. You retire now and die in peace, Fabio, for you alone have encapsulated life.

And hey, get used to these soccer videos, because LeBron James is going to spend the next year and a half dunking at Jewish Community Centers and sadly this is more newsworthy.

[via Dirty Tackle]