First things first, Minneapolis’ mayor is named Rybak, just like a certain meathead WWE pro wrestler. That’s his actual name. It’s “R.T. Rybak,” so in my head he will forever be known as Retweet Ryback.

Now that that’s out of the way, here’s the hook:

Minneapolis Mayor R.T. Rybak today paid up his end of his friendly wager with Green Bay Mayor Jim Schmitt on the outcome of last Saturday’s NFC wild-card game, which the Green Bay Packers won against the Minnesota Vikings.

I’m pausing here, because I want you to assume that when two mayors make a bet, they’re betting money (like normal people), or at least some kind of service. Like, if the Packers lost, Schmitt would have to do Rybak’s laundry for a month, sitcom style. Maybe it’d be a SimCity thing, where if the Vikings lost, Rybak would have to send Schmitt an amusement park or zoo.

Continue reading. Here’s where the Rybak joke really gets good:

“We lost fair and square, so we’re sending the sausages,” Mayor Rybak said. “Next year, the Vikings will win it all — but until then, sadly, the cheese stands alone.”

FEED. ME. MORE! FEED. ME. MORE!

Mayor Rybak has sent Mayor Schmitt house-made sausages from Minneapolis restaurant Butcher and the Boar, recently named Restaurant of the Year by the Star Tribune. Mayor Schmitt had wagered Green Bay cheese, root beer and candy.

I know he’s gotta be true to his school and everything, but even the mayor of Minneapolis should’ve taken the Pack. Minnesota might hate him, but at least he’d have his sausage. Also, I hope next season begins with The Shield breaking into Minneapolis City Hall-Hennepin County Courthouse and beating him up. And taking his remaining food.

[via news release]

What were you doing in 4th grade? My biggest memories of 4th grade are playing ‘Final Fantasy’ for the NES, discovering Watchmen comics and having no idea why everyone thought my teacher’s name was so funny. It was “Mrs. Cocke.” I was nine, I thought they were calling her a chicken. I didn’t know what I wanted to be when I grew up. I was still stuck somewhere between “astronaut” and “marine biologist.”

Colin Kaepernick had a better plan: he was going to grow up to play for the San Francisco 49ers. That’s not a retconned “football has always been my dream” story … he actually called it in the 4th grade. No, seriously, look:

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As a grown adult male who has never been able to grow sufficient facial hair, I don’t typically handle news involving mustaches and beards very well, but if that news creates the opportunity to rank celebrity mustaches and/or beards then I can live with it. In this case, Green Bay Packers QB Aaron Rodgers appeared on Jim Rome’s new show on Showtime Wednesday night and Romey asked the hard-hitting questions as usual.

Asked Rome, as his assistant cleared a spot on his mantle for a Pulitzer:

“You have long been a practitioner of the mustache. In the spirit of Movember, who are the greatest ‘staches in history? Which gentlemen belong on Mount ‘Stachemore?”

Of course I’m kidding with my jabs at Rome, because this kind of question is right up my alley, perhaps behind similar queries like “Have you ever tried to get two girls pregnant in the same threesome?” to Antonio Cromartie or “A-cup, D-cup or a nice palm full?” to Jay Cutler. So who did Rodgers name as his facial hair inspirations? Dude, it’s right there in the headline. Geez.

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Straight from the bowels of SkyMall’s version of Hell comes Verlo Mattress Factory’s CHEESEHEAD BED, advertised as the “World’s First,” a “customized fan experience that combines a good night sleep with championship football, perfect for the die-hard fans of the Green Bay Packers”. At first, you’re probably like, “that’s cool, I’ll buy that for my 6-year old, he loves football,” but no, that bed is pretty clearly being enjoyed by the two worst adults in America.

The Cheesehead Bed (created, I’m assuming, by a guy whose “go down on me wearing the Cheesehead” fetish got boring) isn’t just a novelty item … it’s a continued novelty existence. For example, it doesn’t have a standard retail price. If the Packers win, the bed is $599. If they don’t, it’s $799. A clear message to football fans: only support your team if they’re winning.

They’ve also enlisted the help of LeRoy Butler to orchestrate a Facebook contest to see who can put the most cheese in their bedroom. These are sentences that I am typing for real.

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"Thanks for the f*ckin' Rewteet."

Since the Green Bay Packers lost to the Seattle Seahawks on Monday Night Football, which included one of the most controversial calls in NFL history, Packers guard TJ Lang has gained roughly 90,000 new followers on Twitter. It’s not because he’s a charming fella or that he and fellow Packers guard Josh Sitton have a friendly rivalry over who is the better guard (it’s Sitton because he played at UCF, but I digress). It is, however, the result of two delightful F-bombs he dropped on Twitter after the game on Monday night.

By now, we’re all familiar with Lang’s “Tweets Heard ‘Round the World”, but in case you were cramming for a blood test, Lang first Tweeted this strongly-worded message to the refs…

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I suppose if you’re one of the two replacement refs responsible for the above image that will go down in infamy as one of the worst calls in NFL history, you’re probably going to want a drink. In case you’ve been mining for gold in the Arctic, Lance Easley up there – the dude calling touchdown – and the replacement ref crew working Monday Night Football this week wrongly awarded Seattle Seahawks WR Golden Tate a touchdown on a last second Hail Mary that was, of course, actually an interception. Either way, Green Bay’s loss is in the books.

You know what else is in the books? Easley’s 15 Jager bombs, broskis! And he better have tipped well, because he’s in for a world of pain today after it was revealed that the scab ref was out partying in Fresno last night, and for some ungodly reason, he thought it was a good idea to take a picture with a Packers fan. Because no one would ever find out.

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