Or, “more like PARK-our, am I right?”

British long jump champion J.J. Jegede, who I think we all agree could use a few more Js in his name, jumped over three MINIs this week as part of a promotional event for a new, 2012 limited edition of the vehicle, and to promote his own Olympic dreams. Jegede is looking to make his first Olympics, and according to Chris Chase at Fourth-Place Medal, the roughly six-meter jump would have earned him 8th place at the 2008 Olympics in Beijing. If he’d dunked at the end of it he would’ve won Rookie of the Year.

Of course, he didn’t really jump over them, he just jumped the length of them side-by-side. If he’d actually jumped over three MINIs he wouldn’t be headed to the Olympics, he’d be outfitted with a patriotic suit and sent somewhere to fight Nazis.

Two weeks ago, nerds from across Great Britain gathered to compete for the national Scrabble championship, a title so monumental that women don’t even bother wearing panties around the champions lest they soak them instantly. But this year’s championship is perhaps the most unique in the event’s history, as the champion is transsexual. Thirty-two year old Mikki Nicholson has been diagnosed as a “woman trapped in a man’s body.” This is unrelated to my current lawsuit involving a “woman trapped in a man’s basement.”

Nicholson won the tournament with the word obeisant, which means respect, and for his/her efforts, he/she won £1,500 and he/she plans to use that money to travel to Malaysia in December for another Scrabble championship. That sounds like a great idea unless I’m completely missing something, Press Association…

Read the rest of this entry »

At least now I have something to root for in the upcoming Vancouver Olympics. No, not the British bobsled team, but more wardrobe malfunctioning goodness. I could certainly get used to an Olympiad where female athletes literally can’t keep their clothes on. Nice work, Britain. Now if you just open some restaurants in London before noon, you’ll be on your way to becoming a real country again.

I didn’t realize from the original post that the star of this show, Gillian Cooke, actually competed for Scotland in pole vault and long jump before joining Nicola Minicheillo in the sled. I guess I we can see why Nicola made her sit in the back…–Tirico Suave.

This post is for the kids out there, because I don’t want to hear about how this site is a bad influence on our youth. We’re pushing the envelope over here, and so was this student who bet 4400 British pounds (about $7100 US) on the last ten minutes of an African Cup of Nations Match. Specifically, he bet on Angola.

At the time of the bet Angola were cruising at 4-0 up with just 10 minutes to go, but the unthinkable happened and Mali scored 4 goals at the death to grab a remarkable 4-4 draw.

The odds on offer on Betfair were so ridiculous that the student only stood to make £44 back from the wager.–Heaven Sports.

So dude dropped over seven large on a ten-minute bet for hopes of a 1% return. Not so jolly good, old chap. And I don’t know why we used the ice cream kid from the Confederations Cup for this post. I guess I was just hoping that blackface and whiteface today would cancel each other out. Thanks, Alan, for the heads-up.

British racing driver Henry Surtees was killed Sunday during a Formula Two race when a stray tire coming loose from a separate wreck bounced onto the track and collided with his head. Henry, who was 18, died instantly.

“Henry had followed his heart from the time he first sat in a kart,” said [John Surtees,] the 1964 Formula One world champion. “He treated seriously the balance between motorsport and school, having just finished his A-levels. The world beckoned and he was thriving on the freedom to concentrate on his motorsport.

Johnathan Palmer, chief executive of MotorSport Vision:

“On Sunday morning my 18 year-old son, Jolyon, and Henry were sat together, amidst all the F2 drivers, joking and signing autographs for fans. In the afternoon race Henry was just half a second or so behind Jolyon, trying to move forward after an earlier spin. As they both dived down towards Sheene, the bouncing wheel just missed Jolyon, but hit Henry, who was in the wrong place at the wrong time. via.”

Video of the original crash and Surtees’ collision with the tire was captured on video, which has been posted after the jump for viewing at your discretion. I didn’t post this to bum everyone out as much as recognize an athlete who was taken from us too soon. And I guess this is where I’d say something profound about the frailty of life or offer sympathy that too often comes off as emotionally empty rhetoric. But this is truly sad. Read the rest of this entry »

For the first time since King Edward I ruled the realm, a reigning British monarch will employ the royal privilege of 'prima nocta'.  Queen Elizabeth II will have sexual intercourse with very tall citizens of the Commonwealth in order to produce the next 'Longshanks':

"We want to unearth the hidden talent of the six-foot plus variety…we have a unique opportunity to pluck individuals from relative sporting obscurity and provide the opportunity of a sporting lifetime," Chelsea Warr of UK Sport said.

This move is designed to re-establish England as an athletic powerhouse of Olympic talent, a nation that used to be known for Daley Thompson, but is now known for Eddie the Eagle.  In fact, Great Britain sent a team largely made up of hobbits from the Midlands to the recent Winter Games in Turin.  The UK Olympic Committee cited their low center of gravity as perfect for downhill skiing, and their furry feet as natural protection from the cold.  However, this current move is an obvious departure from England's "little folk strategy", so look for some towering Brits of 5'6" and above in Beijing in 2008 and beyond.  Lanky newlyweds from all corners of the earth must beware of the tap from Elizabeth or even Bonnie Prince Charlie, because the sun never sets on their imagined empire.  (Note: My Irish ancestry had no influence on this post whatsoever.) -KD