Quarterbacking is serious business, especially when you’re a junior in college. So when your teammates fall over like fainting goats to prank you because they think it’d be funny, you gotta SPIKE THAT BALL and RUN AWAY.

That’s what Bryn Renner did. Brynner. He became a reasonable level of enraged when his teammates tried to have fun, took off his helmet, ran downfield and refused to high-five any of them when he went back into the huddle. You see, Brynner is not here to play games. If you’re going to be a goat in Bryn Renner’s presence, you’d better be a goat on all four legs goddammit.

The clip:

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At 3-5, the Chicago Cubs aren’t exactly already eliminated from the NL Central race, but apparently one Cubs fan decided that this season was over before it ever really even started. Yesterday around 2 p.m., a man pulled up to Wrigley Field in a truck and handed off a box to a security guard…

Haha, not so fast, Brad. He instructed the guard to deliver the box directly to Cubs owner Tom Ricketts. The box never made it to Ricketts, though, because that nosey security guard and his buddies opened it first and found…

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Move over, World’s Fattest Woman. More. More. Move all the way over. There’s a new Guinness Book of World Records entrant in town, and he’s probably the greatest thing to ever come out of Florida since crystal meth. You know, depending on your stance on crystal meth, in which case he might just be the greatest thing to ever come out of Florida.

Either way, Happie GOATie is now the world record holder for the longest ride on a skateboard by a goat. I believe the previous world record for a skating goat was held by Kim Kardashian. *high fives Ray J, lights hand on fire* Either way, first the goats were surfing, then they were performing parkour, and now they’re skateboarding. Pretty soon, X Games athletes are going to find themselves out of work.

Also, it’s important to note that if you Google search Happie GOATie, you need to spell his name properly. If you spell it Happy Goatie, you’ll get Happy Goatee, which will take you into a terrifying wormhole of terms and pictures that you don’t ever want to experience. Trust me.

After the jump, check out Happie GOATie’s awesome skateboarding antics.

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Make sure you stick around for the backflip at 0:55. This baby goat is more exciting than the last 24 hours of Olympics coverage. (via The Daily Wh.at)

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Links

Twitter Suspends Journalist Who’s Been Ripping NBC To Shreds |UPROXX|

Breaking Badass Power Rankings: ‘Hazard Pay’ |Warming Glow|

VIDEO: Bane’s Voice Before And After The Remix |Film Drunk|

Your Sarcastic Guide To Alleged Plot Holes In ‘The Dark Knight Rises’ |Gamma Squad|

Could Apple’s iPhone 5 Be Here Soon? |Smoking Section|

Dallas Cowboys Glory Holes: A Retrospective |Kissing Suzy Kolber|

Halo 4: Often Imitated, Finally Imitates? |Smoking Section|

Heath Ledger’s Inspiration For The Joker Was Probably Tom Waits |Gamma Squad|

Read This: Patton Oswalt’s Keynote Address at the Just For Laughs Festival |Film Drunk|

Art Imitates Life: Tiffani Thiessen Dated A 19-Year-Old When She Was 14 |Warming Glow|

The Best Of #George Michael Bluth |UPROXX|

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And now for your sort of creepy but also sort of touching story of the day… California dude Dana McGregor originally adopted his pet goat, Goatee, so she could chomp on the foliage around his home. But then he grew to love Goatee as a pet, so he started taking the nanny goat places with him, like most people would with a dog. This included trips to San Onofre State Beach, where he eventually taught Goatee how to surf with him, as you can see in the above image from their surf excursion this past Wednesday.

While I’m not quite sure how it happened – if Goatee was already preggers or if McGregor found her a goat stud – Goatee eventually gave birth to a billy goat named Pismo. Of course, McGregor taught Pismo how to surf, too, because why not? So we now have stories, pictures, and videos of surfing dogs and goats, which closes yet another chapter in my long, thorough novel, “Why Cats are the Most Useless, Meaningless Little Balls of Allergy Death on the Planet”. Available this fall in paperback.

After the jump, check out McGregor’s special tribute to Goatee, The Surfing Goat, Goatee & Me.

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In case you didn’t get enough sucking motions out of Mark Sanchez last night, scenic Brooklyn is apparently the place to be for all your air fornication needs. On October 9, the Music Hall of Williamsburg in Brooklyn will host the 2010 Championships of Air Sex. You know how when your 46-year old co-worker gets really drunk at happy hour and demands that he play air keyboard to Final Countdown? Well imagine him dry humping the wind instead, and voila! You’ve got the Championships of Air Sex.

But it’s not just about dry humping, friends. There’s so much more in celebrating this lack of a sex partner, with contestants using toys, props, interpretive motion and their God-given creativity to astound a crowd of hundreds, who have apparently never heard of strip clubs. And that’s the good part for those of you with gentle eyes. There is no nudity and all orgasms must be legitimate. Legitimately fake, that is. I mean, who wants to have sex and actually enjoy it? *receives stern look from college girlfriends*

Please tell me that someone is willing to take describing this stuff to a whole disgusting new level, Brooklyn Paper:

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