I’ve prepared separate intro blurbs, depending on who you are. Find the one that is most appropriate for you!

I Don’t Watch Glee: I know, I know. Welcome to this week’s Sports On TV, featuring the first show I’ve ever watched specifically for the benefit of the column, FOX’s ‘Glee’. If you’ve never seen it, it’s a show your niece probably watched two or three years ago about a glee club at a Lima, Ohio, high school who interpret their feelings via reality-warping musical numbers. If you’ve never seen it and know what it is, yeah, it’s not great. However, if you’re a regular reader of the column, you’ll hopefully have a little faith in my writing/ability to write aggressively about stuff that sucks, so take a look through this one anyway. You’ll find a lot of funny jokes, a few pictures of hot girls and at least one video of zombie football players. That’s something, right?

I Watch Glee, And I Love It: Welcome to this week’s Sports On TV column, wherein I rag on that show you like because it’s not aimed at my intelligence level or demographic. Please read through the moments I’ve selected, tear apart any inaccuracies in my analysis, and show it to all of your friends so they can do the same. Make it really virally popular so nobody who likes ‘Glee’ will ever come here again!

I Watch Glee (Or Have Watched Glee) And Do Not Like It: You’re probably going to love this.

So please click through and enjoy the 20 greatest sports moments of ‘Glee’. *unnecessary bell ringing sound*

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In case you’d forgotten that Alabama sports fans still think “you are gay” is the best possible insult for rival teams, feast your proud, heterosexual eyes on these Spanish Fort High School students and their “Purple? Man, that’s GAY” sign. Hold on, the reason for this is really complex and I don’t want to lose you — rival school Daphne wears purple uniforms, which makes them homeauxs. Or whatever.

If that wasn’t enough, ESPN’s broadcast of the Spanish Fort/Daphne game also featured a giant DAPHNE, ISN’T THAT A GIRL’S NAME banner, cementing the idea that Daphne High School is full of not only gays, but gay ladies. As Jason at Sportress Of Blogitude points out, the worst part isn’t the rampant, regressive homophobia or the casual misogyny of rednecks, it’s that somebody played a football team named “Daphne” and didn’t Scooby-Doo Joke the shit out of them.

Maybe Scooby-Doo is too dated of a reference. If so, and if you’re gonna be a gay-bashing moron anyway, at least start blasting “Single Ladies” and pull one of these routines:

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With Peyton Manning officially signed to a 5-year, $96 million deal to be the quarterback of the Denver Broncos, the Broncos are reportedly shopping Tebow for a third round draft pick, despite having originally drafted him in the first round. The rumor mill makes it seem as the frontrunners are the Jacksonville Jaguars – with owner Shad Kahn’s love of the Florida Gators legend and desire to fill seats – and the New York Jets – with their love of being in the spotlight and desire to fill the hole left by Brad Smith.

A decision is expected at some point today as to which team Tebow will be unceremoniously shipped off to, but there’s apparently another decision that needs to be made… involving Tebow’s heart. According to the NY Post, which really understands the important news, Tebow has wedged himself between Glee Star Dianna Agron and her boyfriend and apparent Disney cartoon character Sebastian Stan.

Tebow was spotted chatting with Agron at an Oscar party in late February.

Ooooh, they’re practically married already!

He was also seen days later on a date with Taylor Swift, although sources insist that — even though Swift appears to be sweet on Tebow — they are strictly friends.

The new split leaves the door open for Tebow to nab Agron. But the devout Christian quarterback has other things on his mind, such as his possible departure from the Broncos, who just signed Peyton Manning.

Tebow has been the focus of trade rumors with teams including the Jets, Miami Dolphins and Jacksonville Jaguars. Even Denver’s John Elway said, “Tim Tebow is a great kid. If I want someone to marry my daughter, it would be him.”

That is, of course, until Elway’s daughter complains that Tebow just can’t get it done on his own and she’s thankful that Von Miller and Matt Prater are able to come in and really pound away for the victory.

Read the rest of this entry »

These people: the reason you'll stop watching football.

Unless I can’t figure out how to get Ghorbash the Iron Hand to follow me through a ruin in Skyrim without bugging out and getting lost in the walls, this is the least important problem you’ll read about today: the NFL and Nike are concerned that if they use the Roman numeral “L” to represent the number 50 in 2016′s Super Bowl 50, people will think the Super Bowl and Nike mean “loser”. Remember when Super Bowl 30 happened and people started masturbating to it?

MyFoxDC.com expounds on the origin problem, going to great lengths to say, “hey, remember when Ace Ventura said loo-hoo-hoo zer-her? That’s what we’re worried about”.

In the 2003 book “Field Guide to Gestures,” the “loser gesture” was referenced as forming the letter L on your forehead with your index finger and thumb. The book offered a five-step primer that ended, “Say ‘loser’ with derision, generally elongating the first syllable.”

The sign has perpetuated in movies and TV shows since at least the 1990s. Most recently, the symbol was featured in promotional materials for “Glee” and has become something like a secret handshake for “Gleeks” since the show’s 2009 premiere.

L can mean a lot of things. Have you ever picked up a large shirt, looked at the tag and though “ugh, I can’t wear this, look at this tag, people will think I’m a loser“? Have you ever picked up a copy of ELLE magazine and flipped though it for LAN Party tips? Hopefully by the time 2016 rolls around, Glee will be long-canceled and the people in charge of the biggest sporting event on the planet will say, “okay, it’s a letter, let’s move on with our lives”. Or maybe they’ll call it SUPER BOWLL and go for a Lloyd Moseby vibe.

Until then, we have to out the people who get a hard-on from this as the world’s true losers:

“L standing for loser with a Nike swoosh right above it — I love that,” said Blake Lundberg, general manager of Adidas’ sports licensed division.

[h/t Fark Sports]

Links

My Two Days With Glee - We’re going to try to make Progressive Boink a thing again, I think. Check out Bill’s latest article, a rundown of Glee that will help you explain to your friends why you hate Glee, but haven’t been able to articulate it. [Progressive Boink]

Miami Marlins New Logo: Really Bad, But Not The Worst Possible - I think the “Home Improvement” logo idea is the best, and would buy a Miami Marlins: The Complete Baseball Season hat the minute they were stitched together. [SBN]

Kenyon Martin Reportedly Signs Richest Contract In Chinese Basketball’s History - I hope this isn’t followed by the story “Kenyon Martin Reportedly Has Second Baby, Doesn’t Know Which One To Choose”. Culturally-insensitive jokes about China, everybody! [Smoking Section]

The 8 Best Movie Baseballs - Everyone’s Hero or it didn’t happen. Come on, that movie features a boy named “Yankee”. [Moviefone]

Kendra Wilkinson Says The Secret To Good Marriage Is Having Sex In Different Locations - Totally agree. The secret to good marriage for me is going to be having sex with Kendra Wilkinson in different locations. [FARK]

The Ten Greatest ‘Simpsons’ Characters Who Appear in Only One Episode - If this list didn’t have so many qualifiers it could go on forever. Dinner Dog, for example. [Warming Glow]

Awesome People Hanging Out With Chevy Chase - This could be 50 pictures of him standing next to Alison Brie and I’d click through it. Actually, I’d click though that one first. Can somebody make that one? [UPROXX]

After 30 Years Of Making Music, R.E.M. Is No More - I like to think that one guy with glasses woke up last week and went “oh christ, I’ve been in REM for THIRTY YEARS” and just jumped through his closed window. [UPROXX]

James Cameron Bringing Cat-Monkey Pterodactyl Rape to Disney World - He’s probably just redoing the Tarzan treehouse, guys. The only place you get raped at Disney is in the line for Roger Rabbit. [Film Drunk]

‘Arrested Development’ Cast to Reunite - If there’s no news about the movie announced here, I’m never caring about an Arrested Development reunion again. Don’t Twilight Princess this thing, people. [Warming Glow]

The Last Words Of 25 Famous Dead Writers - Pretty sad that mine are going to be “hey guys”. [Buzzfeed]