Sports

Gina Carano’s Haywire Has New Photos - I wish I’d been around a couple of years ago to try and convince you “American Gladiators” was a sports thing. I can’t wait to see Gina Carano in movies, where there is a 100% better chance of me seeing her naked. Also, I think the best way to shoot an uzi flamethrower is to hold it as close to your face as possible. [Film Drunk]

Michael Jordan, Magic Johnson, and Larry Bird Cover NBA 2K12 - I approve of this marketing, and think we should erase the last 15 years of NBA history and have continuity pick back up sometime around when Chris Webber showed up. [Smoking Section]

CM Punk Crashes Comic-Con - There are a lot of Comic-Con-related links in today’s Morning, but none as wonderful to me as the WWE Champion showing up and making Bill Simmons feel like he’s got to explain ‘worked shoots’ to us again. Here’s a footnote: you don’t know anything about wrestling. [The Wrestling Blog]

Disgusting Video of the Day: Pat Barry Loses a Wisdom Tooth - He needs a pair of jam shorts that say ‘WARRIOR’ down the side so you know how tough he is for doing this. Also, he should compare himself to a warrior or some sort of Spartan every time he opens his mouth. [Cage Potato]

With Leather

Lockout This: 10 Awesome Sports That Could Replace the NBA - Assuming we don’t move forward with my Zero Hour plan for the NBA, these will be suitable replacements, especially “Octopush”, which is about as close to Blitzball as we’re going to get. Luca Goers for life. [With Leather]

The Dugout: How to Pick Up Soccer Girls on the Internet - I think my professional dream at this point is to have one f**king baseball player say “oh hey, I know about that comic you’ve been making for the last seven years”. I still think Farnsworth turned down an interview with us because we’re the only thing that shows up when you google Kyle Farnsworth. [With Leather]

Tennessee Cops Can’t Find Murder Suspect Because They’re Looking at Porn - Lorenzen Wright’s family might be making it up, but it’s hilarious/depressing to think cops have to let dead people rot because they spent too much time browsing for casual encounters on Craigslist. [With Leather]

Taiwanese Animation Covers Yao Ming - Worth it just to hear an Asian lady say “Charles Barkley”. [With Leather]

Not Sports

A Golden Treasury of Photos from the First Day of Comic-Con 2011 - I want to make it to one of these things one day. I’ve been to a Wizard World and a Motor City Con, but never the big real one. I want to camp out for two weeks and be briefly glared at by Kristen Stewart. :( [UPROXX]

The Best of #Justin Bieber Lulz - In case we aren’t all tired of making fun of this kid by now, here’s a ton of stuff making fun of him. I never hear him on the radio and only see him on TV when people are interviewing him about how popular he is, so I don’t know, I think he’s a figment of our imagination. Let’s direct some of this hatred toward somebody who deserves it, like will.i.am. [UPROXX]

Comic-Con: Beavis and Butthead - I’m so happy about this, and the only news that would’ve been better is ten more seasons of “King of the Hill”. [Collider]

Did you expect Zach Galifianakis to ride something other than a Vespa? - No. [FARK]

Couture (L) vs. Bird (R) got a little ugly this weekend.

Randy Couture’s ex-wife and one-time fighting student, Kim Couture, has never been the most popular name in female MMA fighting, as the sport’s fans have often celebrated her bloody and cringe-worthy losses. Kim, 3-4 as a pro heading into AX Combat 1 in Calgary, Alberta on Saturday, didn’t fare too well in her latest effort at quieting those detractors, as Sheila Bird was victorious over her with a scissors choke submission in the first round.

Now the Calgary Combative Sports Commission is looking into accusations that the ref didn’t stop the match soon enough and the hold could have caused additional injuries, possibly even brain damage, if applied too long. But Couture told MMA Weekly that all is well.

“I’m fine,” Couture said. “I woke up and I thought the fight was still going on. Once I realized what was happening, I stood up and waved to the crowd, but I’m fine.”

Well that’s good. It’s bad enough that Couture had her jaw cracked in half and nose broken by Kim Rose during the opening seconds of her first pro fight in 2009. We’d hate to see her get brain damage, too.

Check out the fight after the jump.

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I can’t claim to know a lot about women’s mixed martial arts (except that as a sport, it is arguably creepier to enjoy than joshi), but Gina Carano always seems caught between fighting legitimacy and Anna Kournikovafication, where she’s a naturally gifted athlete but people don’t really care if she wins or not as long as she’s around, because her torso is (was?) amazing to look at. She really did have an amazing torso. I could picture myself battling Shadows of the Colossus on that thing.

Sports

Gina Carano Had Medical Clearance, Pulled Out Anyway - As the comments suggest, “having no chance of making weight” is now a medical condition. I think Gina should just fight super lady heavyweights at whatever weight she is, because she’s still cute, and I’d like to see her Fedor a bunch of giants. [Cage Potato]

‘Plaxico! Oh, How I Missed You!’ - I think writing about Plaxico makes you a racist. It does, I can’t bring myself to do it anymore. I type “Plaxico” and before I’ve even published, somebody is logging a furious comment about how I think “thugs” are ruining sports. I’m just gonna write some more about Tom Brady. [KSK]

The Best Of The Annual Oklahoma D-Day Paintball Games - If you enjoyed the paintball episode of “Community”, this is a great look at how crazy real live paintball wars can be. Make it through the Apocalypse Now-looking people at the beginning and get to those awesome paint clouds. [With Leather]

The Best and Worst of WWE Raw 6/6 - Speaking of creepy things to enjoy, be sure to catch this week’s Best and Worst, wherein I praise a black guy for wearing a Confederate army uniform. Also, I’ve been watching that gif of Kelly Kelly for like 20 hours. [With Leather]

Not Sports

Do you try to eat healthy? You might have an eating disorder - Great, I thought being a vegan was a SOLUTION to my eating disorders. Oh well. To celebrate my descent into ED madness, here’s a picture of one of my favorite hot vegans, Drew McIntyre’s allegedly crazy ex-wife “Tiffany.” [Fark]

The 100 Funniest Brits - This is also a pretty solid list for the 100 Ugliest Brits. Thankfully this is in no particular order, so I don’t have to get pissed about Eddie Izzard and Ali G being less funny than Emma f**king Thompson. [Buzzfeed]

Six Panels Of Penny Arcade Get Movie Deal - Just great. Maybe now we can finally greenlight that “A Softer World” movie, which is just a still photo of someone smoking zoomed in three times with some vague, hipster narration. Here, I’ll write one right now. “I thought you said to wait for you. But here I’m waiting. Until tomorrow.” That’s a trilogy. [Gamma Squad]

Facebook Fail-Log: June Edition - I should’ve contributed any and all Facebook-related conversations that sprung from my Joe Rogan post last week. I’ve never seen so many people try to make a point, then ruin it by trying to shoehorn in a funny “cunt” at the end. [Uproxx]

After losing her Strikeforce title fight against Cristiane “Cyborg” Santos via first round TKO in August 2009, heavenly asskicker Gina Carano decided that she would take some time off and perhaps pursue other career ambitions. And while I spent most of 2010 staring out a window, drinking scotch and wondering when Gina would return, she has answered our prayers and is currently training for her next Strikeforce match.

So what was Gina up to for the past year that could have made her consider leaving a life of having her perfect angelic face damaged? She was acting with Channing Tatum, Antonio Banderas and Ewan McGregor in the new Steven Soderbergh film Haywire, due out later this year. Gina plays Mallory Kane, a black ops super soldier who is “betrayed and set up during a mission.” Haha, women be spyin’.

After the jump, check out a couple Haywire videos with Soderbergh and Carano, as well as exclusive insight on working with Gina from my good friend C-Tates…

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This is old as hell, but Gimp just put it back in my inbox and really, how do I ever say no to Gina Carano. The MMA star (starlet?) did this photoshoot for that ESPN The Body issue, which is like SI’s swimsuit issue. Only the former has no swimsuits. Or models, apparently. And Gina seems to be making this look like a one-girl slumber party. I’m sure that later in the shoot she and the punching bag talked about boys and the perils of math homework. Awesome.

I love Gina Carano like an adopted Chinese teenage girl, but even I have to admit that she got her ass blasted last night. In Carano’s bout with Cris “Cyborg” Santos she caught a bunch of early shots to the face and never recovered. The fight was stopped with one minute SECOND left in the first round, after Carano was getting pounded against the cage like a drunken prom date. Watch the entire fight in the video above.

“I was ready for five rounds if necessary,” said Cyborg. With a title on the line, the fight was was slated for five, five minute rounds. “I felt at that point it was time to finish the fight. I started to harder but I didn’t know there was like five seconds away from the end of the round. I felt like Gina kind of closed her guard and turned around a little bit. That’s when I went for the stronger punches.” via.

Even in watching the weigh-in, the differences were clear. Santos–even in a zebra print bikini–looked like a fighter, where Carano sheepishly stepped on the scale and even laughed in embarrassment as her weight was announced aloud.

That said, I can seriously say that this is the greatest women’s sporting event ever. For one reason: it was a matchup we couldn’t wait to see. More than Annika vs. Carrie. More than Venus vs. Serena. And sure, 50 percent of that was probably dictated by Carano’s appearance, but in this age of lingerie football, lady golf escorts, and subsidized basketball, 50 percent is a fair place to be. But Carano didn’t just gain attention because she was hot, but because she was hot and she could kick your ass! But after Satrurday’s fight, the latter may come under contention.