Look at these two hockey bros. They’re everything that’s wrong with men today. They have a clear, open opportunity to beat each other’s faces into the cold, hard ice and they just spin around in circles like a couple of toothless dreidels. Their teammates should have just surrounded them and started snapping and hissing before they all broke out into song.

Whatever, this won’t ever happen in my new sport, Fight Ball. It’s like hockey but with no ice, sticks, pucks, clocks, referees, goals or gloves. It’s actually just two teams of five men fighting until only one person is left standing. That dude’s team wins. Oh, but then he gets fed to a shark. Anyway, tryouts are next week.

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The hilarious pull-quote featured to the right is from an ESPN article detailing Jim Thome’s address to the City Club of Cleveland, wherein he announces that despite the market not being flush for 41-year old designated hitters he’d still like to play in 2012. “In a year or two, this team can do some very special things,” Thome said. “They have put the groundwork in, done things the right way.”

He continued to praise the team, the city and the organization, but really the most important thing he said was about playing by himself in the backyard. In the spirit of sharing only the important things a man says, today’s Dugout presupposes — What if that actually happened?

Today’s Dugout is after the jump. Cleveland, if you’re reading this … keep this guy around for a while, would you?

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Every now and then a pro wrestling-related clip nobody should’ve seen pops up on the Internet and decides to go viral. Today’s clip, courtesy of our friends at Buzzfeed, is quite possibly the most masculine thing ever recorded and a living interpretation of every Chuck Norris joke you’ve heard as performed by monster trucks, electric guitar and Sgt. Slaughter. To catch you up to speed:

Following his third tour of duty in Vietnam, Sgt. Slaughter retired from service to pursue his life long dream of wrestling. After gaining the world championship belt and super stardom, the Sgt then moved onto rock star, monster truck tug of war champion and GI JOE. They just don’t make them like they used to.

Highlights of the video include the finest of 1980s girls in Bud trucker hats, the tape wearing out at the part where a lady starts jacking off an exhaust pipe, Sarge’s “battle battalion” not looking too different from the Village People and a bunch of monster truck and funny car drivers calmly lip syncing parts they should be screaming. In case you were wondering, Sgt. Slaughter did all those things in the blockquote but the guy who played him didn’t — he actually started off as a flamboyant character in the mid-70s, and if you need confirmation of military time not served, listen to Jesse “The Body” Ventura (Navy UDT veteran and former Navy SEAL) talk about it.

Regardless, the fictional version of the army guy had a pretty amazing life up until the Gulf War, when he decided to side with Iraq. Man, Sgt. Slaughter was always kind of a lying jerk, wasn’t he? Those Joe PSAs are meaningless now. I’m gonna go put my fingers in the light sockets no matter what Flint tells me. Ah well, at least you can’t take “monster truck tug of war champion” away from him.

[via Buzzfeed]