German Nerd Dog says, "YOU VEEL STOODY!"

When you look at the state of colleges and universities in America, the conversation almost always turns to sports. On any given week, the headlines will be about whether or not student athletes deserve to be paid or if the government should be involved with eliminating the BCS in favor of a playoff system. Hell, this week is simply being dominated by the news of Joe Paterno’s resignation after 45 years as head coach at Penn State because his former defensive coordinator allegedly sexually abused young boys. Obviously, I’m not saying that isn’t huge news, but it just goes to show that we constantly neglect the true importance of college – an education.

Thankfully, Germany knows that education is the key to success. After all, why is all of Europe turning to Germany for economic help now? Is it because Germany is full of billionaires? Sure, that helps. But it’s also full of nerds, who spend more time studying than worrying about which conference their school’s team is going to join. And to help spread educational awareness, 24 students from the Technical University in Dresden made a calendar to show off their brains. And yes, I mean they almost got naked.

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Have you ever been to a baseball game and seen your favorite player warming up a few feet in front of you, but when you call out his name or try to ask him for an autograph he waves at you and moves or just ignores you completely? It’s not because he’s a dick, it’s because in today’s sports media world literally any interaction between an athlete and another human being will be reported, analyzed, misinterpreted and manipulated to suit the needs of a writer.

Such is the case of Josefine Öqvist, a Swedish soccer player who traded her jersey for a fan’s t-shirt following Sweden’s 1-0 victory over North Korea in group play of the Women’s World Cup on Saturday. I haven’t read anything explaining why she did it; she was probably just being cool and affable, because hey, she’d just won a World Cup game. 35 years ago they would’ve turned it into a Coke commercial. But today isn’t 35 years ago, it’s 35 minutes ago, so German News reported the incident and put a gigantic black bar across her torso to “censor” it.

So either the German news wanted us to think she’d been playing a World Cup soccer game without a bra and decided to flash everyone in the crowd, or the image of a woman in a sports bra was so potentially damaging to German children that it had to be halted. The best part of the video (besides NEIN! across her chest) is the higest rated YouTube comment, which reads like it was written by Kyle Farnsworth:

What the f**k in the world is that f**ken black box doing there she was f**ken dressed
jnmexico1997 19 hours ago

The uncensored version is now available, which you can watch after the cut.

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Okay, maybe not, but how awesome would Catholicism be if you had to dodge one of Dirk’s sh:tty picks to get to the altar?

The Summer of Love continues for Dallas Mavericks one-footed basketball monster Dirk Nowitzki. In the last month we’ve seen him trounce the Miami Heat in Miami to win an NBA Championship, single-handedly down an $80,000 bottle of champagne, put his Dirk in LeBron James’ mouth, become an honorary Ohioan, deliver a Top Ten List on the “Late Show with David Letterman” and throw out an eephus pitch at a Texas Rangers game. Now he gets to return home to Germany, where the Black Eyed Peas are always playing in the background and everybody f**king adores him.

A reported 11,000 people gathered for the Dirk Nowitzki Hero’s Welcome, which featured a personal parade, Dirk waving at everybody from a balcony like he’s Eva Peron, and a karaoke rendition of “We Are the Champions”. Good job, LeBron, you played like Shemp in the fourth quarter and now ALL OF GERMANY is the champion. Check out the video below, with a pointy helmet tip to Pegasus News.

I, for one, welcome our new basketball overlords.

It is futile to resist the comedy of Flula Borg, a Bavarian-born German DJ and Dirk Nowitzki supporter who has succinctly and amazingly stated everything wrong with the Miami Heat. I could blog about these guys for a hundred years and never get it this right. Highlights include LeBron James being French, velociraptor Chris Bosh changing Erik Spoelstra’s sh**ty diaper and Juwan Howard’s parents being 38 when they made him. “This is amazing! Congratulate, Juwan!” He might be clinically insane, he might be Borat, but his video is a must watch. And a must watch again.

I want this to be a fair and balanced sports blog, so if you see someone other than the Westboro Baptist Church protesting the Dallas Mavericks, please, send it along. I think my favorite criticism so far has been “Jason Kidd is old and not great.” Well yeah, obviously, but I was still shouting GAME OVER MAN when he drained that three.

[big H/T to Off the Bench]

Germany’s Elmar Weisser took home the top prize at the 2011 World Beard and Moustache Championship, as the 47-year old styled his facial hair into a moose and a Norwegian flag. This year’s contest took place in Norway, thus explaining why the German was kissing so much ass, and… I’m sorry, I’m just a little bitter right now. Weisser’s championship gave Germany seven gold medals at the event, while the United States only received six. Today, I am ashamed of the beard-growers of America.

Weisser is a veteran of the competition, held every two years, having won several times before.

He said his sister helped him with the creation, starting work at 7am.

“When my beard isn’t styled, it goes down to my waist. It is sort of folded up,” he said. (Via The West)

Ooh la la, your bearded majesty. I’ll have you all know that while I am north of 30 and still can’t grow facial hair, America is home to the world’s greatest beards. Just ask Carmella DeCesare. *high fives Terrell Owens five years ago*

Patriotism for styled flavor savors aside, this whole competition is pretty incredible, as these guys – and thankfully no Western European girls – take their beards and moustaches very seriously. How seriously? They spell it moustache. This year’s well-groomed competitors and a trip down memory lane after the jump.

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The International Ice Hockey Federation has announced that a game between the Straubing Tigers (sounds kinky) and EHC München (also sounds kinky) has set a world record for the longest penalty shootout in professional hockey history with 42 attempts. Straubing defeated EHC 5-4 after more than 3 hours of play and 21 rounds of stupid goalies doing their jobs.

Eric Meloche was the hero for Straubing, as he nailed his shot to start the 21st round. Meloche has played 74 games of NHL action in his career, but surely after such a magnificent victory he’ll be on a plane back to the States in no time.

Hey IIHF, I was really hoping to place some blame for this, is that possible?

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