Great Moments In Humanity: A Letter Has Surfaced Detailing The 1914 Christmas Truce

Written by Ashley Burns / 01.02.13

Only in 1945 would the British army finally provide soldiers with Umbros.

I’ve always thought that life would be so much easier and happier if countries settled their differences on the sports field rather than in war. Obviously, it would have to be an American football field, because we’d get wiped out in everything else, but for the sake of this post, we’ll just generalize sports. Like, imagine if instead of medals, the Olympics were played for land. We’d all be barons and dukes, reaping the spoils of athletic competition!

Anyway, if you’re still young enough to remember your high school and/or college history classes, then you’re probably familiar with the Christmas Truce of 1914, which is famously regarded as one of the last true moments of humanity in war. It was immortalized in the 2005 film Joyeux Noël, starring the delightful Diane Kruger, and last year the Premier League created the Christmas Truce Tournament for kids from across Europe.

Now, though, war historians are thrilled because an actual letter from Staff Sergeant Clement Barker, one of the British soldiers who was fighting at Ypres against the Germans before soldiers from both sides agreed to this temporary truce, has surfaced, offering further insight into this inspiring moment.

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Quick, Guess Which Part Of This Kate Upton German Vogue Video The Internet Likes Most

Written by Brandon Stroud / 12.03.12

Kate Upton It Had To Be You German Vogue

If you guessed “the part where she wears a peacoat and walks through a garden with a cane,” what’re you, new?

In today’s best possible video, German Vogue presents “It Had To Be You,” a short film about the things we’d do on our perfect, fantasy day with Sports Illustrated swimsuit cover model Kate Upton — looking at her, awkwardly trying to take pictures of her, falling over like an idiot while she rides horses, and horsin’ around with our bros while she floats around and has fun by herself on the other side of a pool. It’s like they went into my brain and stole my best case scenario! Get out of my head, Kate Upton German Vogue video!

Special note: This is totally sports-related, as it features horseback riding, swimming, and … uh, hay-lying? It also features her topless and getting sprayed in mouth with water, so shut up and let us write about it.

Not-at-all sexual-as-f**k-on-purpose imagery is below, in handy Vimeo and YouTube versions.

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The Landshut Cannibals Brothel Jerseys Are Like Those Batman Jerseys For Perverts

Written by Brandon Stroud / 11.28.12

Lustra Brothel

That jersey is real. It exists, and people wear it when they play hockey. In real life.

It’s the warm-up jersey for 2nd Eishockey-Bundesliga’s Landshut Cannibals, a “second-tier league” that is totally and completely fine with local whorehouses putting their logos on everything. Their primary sponsor is Germany’s Lustra brothel, which you probably figured out when you saw a hockey jersey with nipple silhouettes and a big bone across the middle. Remember last week when I wrote about the Tulsa Oilers having a Batman night? These jerseys are exactly like those, except instead of Batman, they’re for people who pay for sex.

The Reddit user who shared the image didn’t snap a pic of the front of the jersey, but thanks to the folks at Puck Daddy we can verify that yes, they are exactly the same kind of bad:

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Meet Sharky, The Krumping German Hockey Mascot Shark

Written by Brandon Stroud / 11.27.12

Sharky mascot hip hop danceIf you’ve ever wanted to see a shark in a hockey jersey hit a B-boy stance, here you go.

What you’re watching is THE GREATEST THING EVER OH MY GOD Deutsche Eishockey Liga mascot “Sharky” entertaining the crowd by breakdancing his shark ass off. It’s funny enough to see a German dude in a shark costume dancing like nobody’s watching, but everything about the clip is great … move-busting sharks, hockey existing, foreign hockey games having profane soundtracks because nobody can understand the words, and even the name of the team, Kölner Haie. It means “Cologne Sharks”. That is amazing.

I can’t thank Puck Daddy enough for bringing Sharky into my life. Please direct any and all Sharky-related news to me until I am dead.

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Meet ‘FLiZ’, A Velocipede That Cannot Possibly Be As Stupid As It Looks

Written by Brandon Stroud / 08.29.12

FliZ bike concept

No, seriously, meet FLiZ. MEET IT.

Ever wish you could do less riding and more running on your daily bicycle commute? Neither have we. But that seems to be the idea behind the German-designed FLIZ, a new concept velocipede that nixes the pedaling and suspends its rider runner from a harness. (via The Atlantic)

If you haven’t said “haha what the shit it is” out-loud yet, let me help you by asking you to remember that episode of ‘South Park’ where Mr. Garrison creates a giant wheel you drive by fellating a knob and letting it f**k you in the ass for a quick compare/contrast.

I guess the basic idea was to create a scooter apparatus to take your body weight out of the running motion. That’d be easier on your knees and maybe allow you to run farther and faster without getting tired. The rub here is that to scooter-run you’d have to remove the scooter from your feet area, and also apparently crush your ribcage in the process. The best part is that the guy isn’t wearing a helmet. If that thing hit a rock and flipped you over, it’s pretty much designed to DDT you to death.

Ugh, look at the still photos of this thing. It looks like the Cloverfield monster:

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Forget Coney Island, The U.S. Military Hosted Its Own Eating Contest

Written by Ashley Burns / 07.05.12

Like millions of Americans, there was a time when I thought that competitive eating was awesome. I’ve also loved poker, Hooters swimsuit pageants, World’s Strongest Man competitions, American Gladiators, MySpace, and The Office. The problem is that when something gains a great deal of popularity in a relatively short time, the people behind a pop cultural phenomenon never know when to say, “Stop.”

I don’t see the charm, anymore, in watching Joey Chestnut practically suffocate while devouring 68 hot dogs in 10 minutes. And no, it’s not because I think we should be more concerned with all those starving people in Africa our own country. Obviously, we should, but the Nathan’s Famous Fourth of July International Hot Dog Eating Contest doesn’t exactly make me lose the most sleep. And no, it’s not because a bunch of protesters showed up to Coney Island and apparently want us to eat kittens. I couldn’t anyway, I’m allergic. I’d just like it if for every eating contest we hosted, we also held two math contests or two engineering fairs.

But instead of rambling on about how embarrassing it is that competitive eating has become synonymous with America’s Independence Day – even our baseball teams welcome it now – I’ll at least enjoy the fact that approximately 5,000 miles away, an eating contest brought happiness to our armed forces and their families at the U.S. Army Garrison in Baumholder, Germany. I just wish their contest could have been at Coney Island, too.

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