I’d like to preface this clip of one-legged soccer players getting into a bench-clearing brawl by saying holy shit, there is no way this is real. This did not happen in real life. It’s an out-of-context ‘Arrested Development’ season 4 clip, right?

101unbelievablegoals uploaded the clip, and they never provide any context greater than COOL FOOTBALL CLIPS CLICK HERE TO SUBSCRIBE, so here’s what I’ve gathered: a German charity soccer match featuring one-legged players on crutches devolved into a shouting match and fight when one guy fell over, tripping an opponent, and then THAT guy shoved a player who was trying to help him get up. WE DON’T ACCEPT CHARITY IN CHARITY SOCCER MATCHES. The other one-legged players start yelling at each other, causing a bunch of regular-legged types to rush onto the pitch and break it up. But if there’s one thing we know about regular-legged types, it’s that they can’t accomplish anything. The fight escalates and continues.

So here’s your lesson for today: Soccer players are soccer players no matter how many limbs they lose, and if you put a soccer ball between two quadruple amputees, they’d find a way to start hitting each other.

If you’re like most Americans, you do that thing where you go PFFT, WHAT, YOU MEAN SOCCER when somebody calls soccer “football.” It may be the most defining aspect of our nation. We can’t process why a sport involving a ball and your feet would be called “football,” because the sport where you only use your feet once you’ve given up is already called that.

Today, the concept of soccer as football finally makes sense to us. Two German teams played an amateur match on an “American football pitch” last Friday and went full David Akers.

Playing on an American football pitch, [visiting keeper Marcel] Kindler’s save directed the ball onto crossbar of the American football goal, and the ball ended up rebounding back into play.

Incredibly the referee waved play on, and Altona 93 centre-forward Beytullah Atug capitalised on the official’s mistake to smash the ball into the net.

If I was the guy who scored this goal, I’d go to my grave claiming to have done it on purpose. I’d also start playing soccer in a helmet.

[h/t to Reddit]

Only in 1945 would the British army finally provide soldiers with Umbros.

I’ve always thought that life would be so much easier and happier if countries settled their differences on the sports field rather than in war. Obviously, it would have to be an American football field, because we’d get wiped out in everything else, but for the sake of this post, we’ll just generalize sports. Like, imagine if instead of medals, the Olympics were played for land. We’d all be barons and dukes, reaping the spoils of athletic competition!

Anyway, if you’re still young enough to remember your high school and/or college history classes, then you’re probably familiar with the Christmas Truce of 1914, which is famously regarded as one of the last true moments of humanity in war. It was immortalized in the 2005 film Joyeux Noël, starring the delightful Diane Kruger, and last year the Premier League created the Christmas Truce Tournament for kids from across Europe.

Now, though, war historians are thrilled because an actual letter from Staff Sergeant Clement Barker, one of the British soldiers who was fighting at Ypres against the Germans before soldiers from both sides agreed to this temporary truce, has surfaced, offering further insight into this inspiring moment.

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If you guessed “the part where she wears a peacoat and walks through a garden with a cane,” what’re you, new?

In today’s best possible video, German Vogue presents “It Had To Be You,” a short film about the things we’d do on our perfect, fantasy day with Sports Illustrated swimsuit cover model Kate Upton — looking at her, awkwardly trying to take pictures of her, falling over like an idiot while she rides horses, and horsin’ around with our bros while she floats around and has fun by herself on the other side of a pool. It’s like they went into my brain and stole my best case scenario! Get out of my head, Kate Upton German Vogue video!

Special note: This is totally sports-related, as it features horseback riding, swimming, and … uh, hay-lying? It also features her topless and getting sprayed in mouth with water, so shut up and let us write about it.

Not-at-all sexual-as-f**k-on-purpose imagery is below, in handy Vimeo and YouTube versions.

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That jersey is real. It exists, and people wear it when they play hockey. In real life.

It’s the warm-up jersey for 2nd Eishockey-Bundesliga’s Landshut Cannibals, a “second-tier league” that is totally and completely fine with local whorehouses putting their logos on everything. Their primary sponsor is Germany’s Lustra brothel, which you probably figured out when you saw a hockey jersey with nipple silhouettes and a big bone across the middle. Remember last week when I wrote about the Tulsa Oilers having a Batman night? These jerseys are exactly like those, except instead of Batman, they’re for people who pay for sex.

The Reddit user who shared the image didn’t snap a pic of the front of the jersey, but thanks to the folks at Puck Daddy we can verify that yes, they are exactly the same kind of bad:

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If you’ve ever wanted to see a shark in a hockey jersey hit a B-boy stance, here you go.

What you’re watching is THE GREATEST THING EVER OH MY GOD Deutsche Eishockey Liga mascot “Sharky” entertaining the crowd by breakdancing his shark ass off. It’s funny enough to see a German dude in a shark costume dancing like nobody’s watching, but everything about the clip is great … move-busting sharks, hockey existing, foreign hockey games having profane soundtracks because nobody can understand the words, and even the name of the team, Kölner Haie. It means “Cologne Sharks”. That is amazing.

I can’t thank Puck Daddy enough for bringing Sharky into my life. Please direct any and all Sharky-related news to me until I am dead.