Lance Armstrong’s former teammate Tyler Hamilton appeared on Today with Matt Lauer this morning to promote his new book “The Secret Race”, which is sadly not about Blasian females. Instead, subtitled “Inside the Hidden World of the Tour de France: Doping, Cover-ups, and Winning at All Costs”, it’s a book about his cycling career, and the only thing more boring than watching cycling is reading about it.

But Hamilton, who is a proven cheater after testing positive for PEDs three times while a member of the U.S. Postal Service team, now conveniently claims that he has the “smoking gun” when it comes to proving that Armstrong cheated just like the rest of cycling’s biggest stars. Hamilton said that he knows why Armstrong has allegedly lied for so long, because he’s an expert liar and can smell his own.

“This was the hardest thing I’ve ever done in my life,’’ Hamilton told Lauer Wednesday. “I lied for a long, long time. There was sort of an omerta. People really encouraged me not to speak. I planned to take this secret to the grave. There was a federal investigation, and I sat up there in front of the grand jury and told the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth.’’

Armstrong has already released a statement about Hamilton’s new book, and the abridged version is: “How convenient.” Whatever.

Yesterday, I was listening to a stand-up comedy station on Pandora and treated to a clip from George Carlin’s 2008 TV special, “It’s Bad for Ya!”, and I was a little upset that I hadn’t thought about it when the big Lance Armstrong news broke on Aug. 23. Then again, I’m happy if I can remember last night, let alone something I watched 4 years ago. Either way, I think Carlin perfectly summed up how some people feel at this point.

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Up next: the cast of “Glee” mashes up “God Bless America” with “Party Rock Anthem”! Stay tuned!

Links

The Best Of Ellen Muthaf*ckin’ Barkin’s Muthf*ckin’ Tweets So Muthaf*ckin’ Far - Did you know America’s low-rent Helen Mirren has a Twitter account? Do you know she curses a lot? Now you know! [UPROXX]

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Drake’s Okay With Being Labeled “Emo” - Last name Ever, first name Lamest. [Smoking Section]

Affleck’s ‘The Town’ in Real Life - Hopefully this involves Blake Lively being a white trash stripper in real life. [The Daily What]

Star Wars Taxidermy Sadly Just Photoshop - And almost all of these could serve as a really foul-smelling sleeping bag, should the situation arise. [Gamma Squad]

‘Police Academy’ Noise Guy Mouth-Shreds Led Zeppelin’s ‘Whole Lotta Love’ - Legitimately better than all 10 songs in the Billboard Hot 100 Top 10. You’ve got “moves like Jagger”? Why not try making good music like Jagger? [Warming Glow]

10 Things You Didn’t Know About The Movie Swingers - #11 – It is not as good as Made. Screech cameo greater than. [Buzzfeed]

From Elton John to The Pixies: 21 Great Movie Music Cues - I would’ve included the omnipresent Saw music and the orchestral open from The Chipmunk Adventure. [Moviefone]

The 10 Best Classic TV Theme Songs - This list doesn’t include “The Brady Bunch” and is therefore invalid. [AOL TV]

ROBOT CHICKEN: New York Comic Con 2011 Panel - “Uh yeah okay so this year we’re gonna make Boba Fett fart, and the fart will be voiced by Nicole Eggert, and you’re gonna laugh at it for some reason. See you next year!” [Adult Swim]

The 12 Crappiest Movies of Carla Gugino’s Career - This guy has the nerve to suggest Troop Beverly Hills isn’t a good movie. Are you serious, bro? The Freddie! [Pajiba]

George Carlin Answered A 14 Year-Old’s Letter - I love that George Carlin could talk for 2 hours about any subject, but answers form questions with as few words as possible. That’s so wonderfully human. [NextRound]

Other peoples’ Morning Links are sh*t.

Links

Louis C.K.’s Tribute to George Carlin - This is awesome. As a sheltered kid, I never really understood Carlin, and then I got to a certain age and went “wait a minute, what the f**k is my problem”. I’m going to do that with Mitch Hedberg in like a year. I’m terrible at appreciating stand-up comedy. [Warming Glow]

Film Drunk Scene Breakdown: Stone Cold - One of these days I’m going to convince Danger to write over here more and do scene breakdowns for like, quarters of football. Or episodes of SportsCenter. [Film Drunk]

20 of the Creepiest Celebrities Without Eyebrows - Angelina Jolie without eyebrows is legitimately one of the most terrifying things I’ve ever seen in my life, and a good indicator that we need to move away from Angelina Jolie as a sex symbol. Hackers Angelina Jolie, yes, God yes. Older Humanitarian Angelina Jolie, no please. [UPROXX]

The Best and Worst of WWE Raw 9/5 - I’m linking to some of our posts from yesterday in here and hiding them so you don’t notice. Please click through and check this out, because if you don’t, you’ll miss an amazing Our Gang video and a hot girl dressed as a Ninja Turtle. [With Leather]

Soulja Boy Says Sorry to Real Soldiers for Diss Song - Or as I would’ve titled it, “Soulja Boy Tell Em Sorry”. Next, Soulja Boy’s parents should apologize for accidentally creating Soulja Boy. [Smoking Section]

17 Gorgeous Black Cat Cosplay Pictures - Want to hear how weird I am? Spider-Man is my favorite comic book character ever but I always hated Mary Jane and loved Gwen Stacy. Additionally, I didn’t like Black Cat and wanted Pete to hook up with Dagger from Cloak and Dagger. Yep. [Gamma Squad]

Olivia Munn Looked Fantastic While Pretending to Play Golf for Charity - She did, and you should look at it. Meanwhile, Morgan Webb went bowling and nobody gave a sh*t. [With Leather]

Attack of the Show’s Nick Swardson Interview - Presented after the Olivia Munn link as to be Munn-related. My first question would be “Who wanted you?” Second question would be “how do I get them to stop playing Bucky Larson commercials?” [G4TV]

The 20 Worst Lines in Movie History - Needs more “too bad YOU … will die!” from Mortal Kombat: Annihilation. [Buzzfeed]

SNL’s Top 15 Sketches from the Last 3 Years - The best SNL sketch ever is “Who’s More Grizzled?”, followed closely by that one where old timey child Chris Farley falls through a hole in the ice and just cusses a lot. [FARK]

How Many People Are Eaten by Sharks in ‘Shark Night 3D’? (and 24 Other Urgent Questions) - Sara Paxton needs to start taking herself seriously. You can only appear in so many Movie Movies and Something Night 3Ds before they don’t care how pretty you are and make you work at Burger King. Same advice to Keeley from “Phil of the Future”. [Moviefone]

Meet the Dog with the Longest Ears in the World - Okay, I will do that! [Daily What]