‘Bettman and Hobbes,’ everybody. The only way they could top this would be finding a way to work in Bud Selig as one of the nerds in ‘The Far Side.’ (via @ChiNativeSon, by way of Puck Daddy)

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Earlier this week, the NHL and NHL Players Association met with mediators to see if wasting more money could help put an end to this NHL lockout, and how did it turn out? Well, you’re not watching hockey highlights right now, so it obviously didn’t go well. So where do we go from here? Negotiations between the two sides aren’t going well at all. Hell, they can’t even agree on when to talk anymore. And third parties aren’t doing anything to make it any better. Who the hell can just fix this mess already?

Gary Bettman has an idea, actually. It’s a great idea, too. He wants the owners to sit down and meet face-to-face with the players. Wait, did I say this was a great idea? I meant that it’s horrible.

Sessions conducted by officials of the Federal Mediation and Conciliation Service produced no agreement between the league and the NHL Players’ Assn., leaving in place the lockout the NHL imposed on Sept. 15. After Thursday’s talks, NHL Commissioner Gary Bettman proposed arranging a meeting that would exclude executives on both sides and allow owners and players to have an unfiltered exchange of ideas.

The NHLPA did not immediately respond but was expected to raise the idea during a conference call Friday with players. Many players have taken part in negotiating sessions, but only a few owners have participated. (Via the L.A. Times)

Basically, Bettman wants the owners – you know, the guys with the money who want to make more money by taking money away from the players – and the players – the guys who aren’t making any money right now and are making death threats at Bettman and the owners on Twitter – to sit across a table from each other and try to reach an agreement. This, of course, is funny because the NHLPA exists so that the players don’t have to deal directly with the league and owners in labor bargaining, because the majority of players – if not all of them – are not qualified to negotiate a collective bargaining agreement.

Now, let’s say this stupid idea actually becomes a reality. I see it playing out in one of two ways…

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Oh Pete Carroll, you ol' horn dog.

Last week, due to the NHL lockout, the league canceled its best regular season event of the season, as it pulled the plug on the Bridgestone NHL Winter Classic, which would have been played in freezing temperatures in front of 100,000 people at the University of Michigan. That should have been one of the coolest – literally and figuratively – sporting events of our lifetimes, and instead it’s just a memory rattling around like a BB in the tin can that is Gary Bettman’s head.

Today at 3:30 PM ET, the owners and players union will resume talks, and people seem to be buzzing about the possibility of the NHL saving half of its season, much like the NBA did last year. But for a reminder, let’s turn to TIME’s Keeping Score for a recap of what it will take to get these guys back on the ice.

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Here are three quotes from Puck Daddy’s “oh my God, did you seriously put NHL Commissioner Gary Bettman’s picture on the targets at your firing range” interview with DVC Indoor Shooting Center manager Wes Yen that put the story in its proper context:

“It seems to be one of our more popular targets. It’s actually been a pretty big hit for us.”

“I guess not. It’s an animated target. We’re not using real people. Everyone knows it’s just for fun.”

“It’s good for my business. When there’s nothing on TV, people will come down to the range and start shooting.”

Here’s what I’ve pieced together: Everyone who comes to the firing range has a well-meaning understanding that this is all for fun, but are also the types to START SHOOTING GUNS AT THINGS BECAUSE HOCKEY IS NOT ON TELEVISION. Remind me to wear a blaze orange morphsuit the next time I’m in Port Coquitlam, British Columbia, in the summer.

A better look at the target is below. Note that while the targets aren’t specifically on Bettman, three of the four are clear and Gary’s full of bullet holes. This is all for fun, hooray!

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The NHL and the league’s players association made a huge breakthrough yesterday, in that they figured out a way to reward both sides with longer vacations and the fans with more time to watch other sports. Basically, after yesterday’s labor talks, both sides are farther apart than ever in this NHL lockout, and the season is in serious jeopardy.

Talks broke off quickly between the league and NHL Players’ Association on Tuesday morning and deputy commissioner Bill Daly emerged from the meeting saying he didn’t have “any progress to report.” For the first time, he also revealed the extent of the damage the lockout has inflicted so far — “close to” $100 million after the cancellation of the entire pre-season schedule.

“That is not going to be recouped and that’s going to cost both sides,” Daly told reporters in New York. “That’s unfortunate but it’s a reality of where we are.” (Via the National Post)

And there are no immediate plans for both sides to meet, because hundreds of millions of dollars and thousands of jobs in two countries are hardly a priority when rich people are upset about percentages. But just like in the recent NFL and NBA lockouts, the fans are the true victim as far as we’re concerned, and the NHL’s fans are plenty upset about the prospects of no season.

NHL fans are fiercely loyal, almost cultish at times, when it comes to defending their sport from Jaromir-come-lately fans like me, and I respect that immensely. So I searched and scour the Intertubes for some fan reactions, and boy did I find plenty. You know what I learned more than anything? NHL fans want commissioner Gary Bettman to go far away. Like H-E-Double-Hockey-Sticks away. In fact, some even wish his mom had… well, I’ll let you read for yourself.

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With a lockout looming and looking more certain as each day passes, the NHL’s universe is quickly splitting into the standard factions of “It’s the greedy owners’ fault!” vs. “It’s those stupid players’ fault!” as the people caught in between try to figure out how this could happen just one year after the NFL and NBA terrified their fans. The answer, according to one Canadian columnist, is that the NHL’s commissioner, Gary Bettman, is a man hellbent on ruling his league with an iron fist.

The only problem is that he doesn’t have the moon-sized testicles of Roger Goodell, nor does he have the maniacal “F*CK YOU!” attitude of David Stern. Nope, Bettman’s just a clown that works in favor of the NHL owners who provide the big bucks, according to the Ottowa Citizen’s Jack Todd.

This time, it is Bettman who has presented an entirely irrational plan, one the NHL players’ association would be mad to accept – and it is PA executive director Donald Fehr who responded with a propos-al so rational, so well thought out, that we actually hoped Bettman might accept it, at least as a starting point for a new approach.

Nyet!

There is no rationale whatsoever for the coming lockout. The only problem – the only problem – is that the rich owners don’t want to share some of their largesse with struggling, small-market franchises. They’d rather take it out of the players’ hide, which is where Bettman comes in: bilking the players is his specialty.

As Todd points out, Bettman indeed learned from his Sith Emperor in Stern, but the problem that everyone seems to be ignoring is that if the NHL has a lockout, it’s going to be considerably harder for the league to win fans back than it was for the NFL (which didn’t lose any regular season games) and NBA (lost a quarter of its season),

Also, that “so rational” proposal that Donald Fehr offered is only rational if the alternative was being mauled by grizzly bears. Like Bettman’s proposal, Fehr’s proposal clearly favored his side. Fehr’s was simply designed to look like a better mutual offer. Either way, tick tock, you hosers. D-Day coming in 26 days.