You know the old saying, broseph: “If at first you don’t succeed, bro, try again or something”. I like to imagine that phrase is tattooed around Ryan Lochte’s arm in a cursive font, so when he rips his shirt off at a bar, he points to it and says, “Hey babe, check this out… Socrates said that. Wanna make out?” And then he licks the side of her face while she vomits into the bar well, because that’s how our hero rolls.

Anyway, try try again as he might, Lochte is back on Funny or Die, this time free from the spotlight hog known as Patrick Stewart, and he’s pretending that he has his own fragrance called, “Pool Water”. Spoiler alert: it’s a 1:28 pee joke.

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This video showed up on our tip line a few minutes ago, with the subject, “the most uproxx video i’ve seen”. I don’t think it’s even a contest.

‘All Star Bowling Trick Shots’ combines everything UPROXX loves: Funny Or Die videos, trick shot videos, celebrities doing weird stuff (like Craig Robinson dunking, or John Goodamn, or all intents and purposes the most bowling-related celebrity in the video, passing a bowling ball with a trampoline), Aubrey Plaza, kinda-crummy hip hop music … all it needs is for someone to turn it into an animate GIF gallery with subtitles and it’s our jobs in a nutshell. Oh, and Kate Upton should be there. And corgis.

Anyway, there’s nothing I can say about this video that isn’t trumped by watching it, so check it out below. Oh, I can say one thing: You are awesome, ‘Home Improvement’s’ Richard Karn, and you should be in everything. There. That felt good.

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Well, I suppose I owe Ryan Lochte an apology. Earlier, I just assumed that he would be another Howie Long or Bruce Jenner, a former athlete thrust into the acting without having a shred of talent for show business, but I neglected to look at his actual résumé and body of work before I cast my disapproving glare. If I had bothered to look, I would have known that Lochte already kicked open the gates to Hollywood yesterday with his debut at Funny or Die.

Starring alongside Sir Patrick Stewart and Simon Pegg, Lochte plays himself as Stewart teaches us a thing or 12 about the intricacies of 2012 Summer Olympic ticket scalping. And when Lochte shows up in an alley to show off that world famous flashy USA grill and explain his VIP athlete pass to Stewart and his accomplice, you really feel like he’s in danger of being bludgeoned with an ASP.

ABC executives, you lock this guy up now, because if not he’s going to EGOT faster than we can say, “Michael Phelps, who?”

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Funny Or Die has done a lot of things to warm my heart — pissing off Tom Brady, making Kris Humphries call himself a douchebag and threatening to kill Blake Griffin with a miniature puppet version of himself — but none have made me quite as happy as watching 1996 Olympic gold medalist and pro wrestler Kurt Angle trying to get back into the 2012 games.

The best part is that it’s based on real events … the 43-year old Angle tried his best to make the 2012 team, but came up short due to hamstring and knee injuries. Actually, I take that back. The BEST part is watching him Angle Slam a badminton player through a totally unexplained freestanding table and/or bashing a fencer in the face with a steel chair. God knows I would’ve been one of those random wrestling fans who showed up with signs to watch Kurt Angle play table tennis if I could’ve been.

Video is below. It’s more Funny than Die, but there’s a lot of dying going on anyway.

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The latest clip from Funny Or Die starring New England Patriots quarterback Tom Brady is not only funny, it’s a pretty solid metaphor for the creative process.

In the video, Brady goes into a store looking to buy some shirts (because Giselle likes shirts) and gets nothing but hassle from the guy he asks for help. No matter what he does, the sales clerk tells Brady he’s got a thick Boston accent and just makes fun of him to his face about it for five minutes. Eventually Brady gives up arguing, screams in his face and storms away. For a moment the guy wants to follow Brady and fight him, but gives up immediately.

That’s the creative process in a nutshell. You’re just trying to provide a service (or exchange money for goods and services, as it were) and the people listening to you decide you do something terrible and won’t stop announcing it. No matter how hard you argue they’ve made up their mind, and eventually all you can do is scream GOD DAMMIT in their face, knock over a cardboard cutout of the important person (you) and leave. When you do, they feel challenged and want to “take you down a peg”, but ultimately do nothing.

It’s been a hard writing day. Video is below.

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It’s like when Jessica Simpson puts her fingers in her mouth and makes “widdle ol’ me” face because she’s monetized being dumb. We get what you’re doing, but it doesn’t make you any less actually stupid.

That’s the situation Brooklyn Nets forward and former ‘Keeping Up With The Kardashians’ extra Kris Humphries finds himself facing in the latest video from Funny Or Die, ‘Kris Humphries Is A Douchebag’. Kris visits some local improv comics who think they’re awesome new representation who believe he should own the villain label he’s been given and embrace douchebaggery on every level, including wearing sunglasses indoors, wearing a fedora under any non-film-noir circumstances and letting people wipe their asses with Kris Humphries’ Face toilet paper.

It’s funny, I guess. It seems like something Saturday Night Live might’ve done if they’d gotten stuck letting Kris Humphries host, and his only talking were “plays basketball” and “people hate him”. The cynic in me says Kris could better improve his image by trying harder and being better at basketball, but whatever, he’s wearing Kanye glasses and the kids love it.