This is Destiny (a.k.a. “stop talking about your girlfriend” from The Best And Worst Of WWE Raw column) dressed as Flo from the Progressive insurance commercials, and I can say without hyperbole that it’s the best and most personally-appropriate costume ever. She actually works in insurance, and she can go from normal face to CRAZY EYES on command. My costume has been included as the inset image, and while it was also a solidly-nerdy pop culture reference, I’m not sure how big a picture I want on my website of me in a white-ass morphsuit.

And yes, that’s actually me.

Links

Kris Jenkins Hosts The Worst Comedy Sketch In The History Of Television - More things need to be filmed on a set featuring a fake foyer. It reminds me of the Murderface and Knubbler Christmas Special. [SBN]

You Knew It Was Coming: The Greatest Halloween Pet Costumes You’ll See This Year - I’m disappointed that there are 40,000 costumes for dogs, but only like four velcro novelty hats available for cats. I want to dress my cat like the Lone Ranger, dammit, and Petsmart needs to provide for me that option. [UPROXX]

Meme Watch: We’re A Culture, Not A Costume Parody Posters - A little offensive in its counter-productivity (and people should really stop dressing as geisha, because Jesus Christ, get with it, America) but worth it for the Mummy and zombie Big Show cameos. [UPROXX]

Mega Gallery: Awesome, Geeky Pumpkins To Attempt To Carve This Weekend - I’m stuck somewhere between wanting to carve Roseanne cast face pumpkins and saying f**k it to creativity and just doing McDonald’s-style jack-o-lanterns for the rest of my life. [Gamma Squad]

101 Halloween Corgis - I’m covering Corgi Friday for Matt this week, and look at what I have to follow. [Warming Glow]

10 Halloween Tips For The Star Wars Obsessed - Tip 11: It’s 2011 and Star Wars has been rendered awful by its creator, you should probably get obsessed with something more esoteric but still good, like Babylon 5 or maybe Doctor Who. [Smoking Section]

Every ‘Friday the 13th’ Kill Ever - Why hello, naked Willa Ford. Also, Willa Ford, in case you’re reading this, I thought “I Wanna Be Bad” was awesome and you should be my friend in real life. [UGO]

14 “Sexy” Costumes That Defy Logic - Sexy costume backlash is reaching critical mass, yet the only options for women at Halloween stores are sexy costumes. Is this the great paradox of our times? [Buzzfeed]

Five Horror Movies That Were a Nightmare For the Actors - Weee! More anecdotes about that lady getting her butt scratched by brambles during The Texas Chainsaw Massacre! [The Smoking Jacket]

Nyan Cat Dog Wins Halloween - Somewhere the Rick Astley Dog is crying because his owner is behind the times. [The Daily What]

The 50 Creepiest Pieces Of Romance Advice Ever Published - Something legitimately spooky for you to finish out the links. People who follow this advice (or give it) should be accompanied by thunder crashes and flickering lights at all times. Also, bubbling cauldron noises. [FARK]

I believe these are African-American Greys.

America may have the best all-around animals in the world – Keyboard Cat, Lobster Dog, Birthday Dog, American Squirrel, and my dog Lilah, among others – but today we are featuring a pet from Spain that may give every animal in the world a run for the title of Coolest Pet Ever.

Meet Berritsu, a simple African Grey upon first glance, but he possesses perhaps every sports fan’s greatest wish – you know, aside from a live-in, large-breasted, bisexual, super model waitress. Berritsu can not only sing the fight song for his owner’s favorite football club, Athletic Club Bilbao, but he also cheers when players score and the team wins.

I actually had an African Grey when I was growing up and I trained it to celebrate every time the Miami Dolphins won a playoff game. Easiest trick ever.

Read the rest of this entry »

In the most relaxing NBA fan video you’ll watch all day, Andres Gabriel Pita of the Miami-based Latin Urban Pop musical trio “Los Primeros” gives the Miami Heat a playoffs pep talk and causes you, the viewer, to die from an epileptic seizure. I originally formatted this post in the style of Pita’s video, but. I. broke. my. fingers. trying. to. emulate. HIS. style. of. VIDEO. production. He jump cuts between every word, sometimes in the middle of words (sometimes into nothing but screaming) like some Negaverse Ray William Johnson tripping on Bloody Eye and Code Red Mountain Dew. To the right is a screen grab of him EXPLODING INTO FIRE.

I think the best part of the video is when he gives up on talking about basketball to shout “boobies,” then makes a little fart noise with his mouth and gestures like he’s toothpasting milk out of his tit. Oh, and then there’s the part near the end (if you can make it to the end without blacking out) where he starts naming off ancillary Heat players with funny names like he’s Tom Haverford naming off foods. Eddie House is “Eddie Casa,” and I’m pretty sure Mario Chalmers is “long ass rice.”

In a related story, here’s the pep talk video for the Orlando Magic.

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Angry Dog will not tolerate animal cruelty.

Some Russian businessmen put a donkey on a parasail to promote their parasailing company, and thankfully, there’s video. The first time I watched it I couldn’t help but laugh, and then quickly felt like a horrible person. There’s nothing funny about animal cruelty. That being said, try and watch this without laughing. It’s impossible. Russia Today gives a synopsis of what went down.

Police in southern Russia will launch a probe into an initiative by local entrepreneurs who sent a donkey into the sky on a parachute in an advertising stunt. The official spokesman for the local directorate of the Interior Ministry told reporters that the parachuting donkey incident took place last Thursday on an Azov Sea beach in the Temryk District in Krasnodar. “They gave this donkey a parachute ride in order to attract holidaymakers’ attention to this sort of entertainment. The parasailing donkey brayed and the children cried, but no one was smart enough to inform the police about the incident,” RIA Novosti news agency quoted the official as saying Monday. The police will launch a probe and if the entrepreneurs are found guilty, they could face criminal persecution under the article on cruel treatment of animals of the Russian Criminal Code, which carries a maximum punishment of two years in prison. –Russia Today’s Youtube Channel

Video after the jump. Read the rest of this entry »