I'm gonna try to win the Pulitzer with this one.

Austin, Texas, has 8-10 festivals every weekend, but this weekend was a big one: the 7th annual Fun Fun Fun Fest, featuring a reunited Run DMC, everyone from Public Image Ltd to X to f**king Kreayshawn and a cannon that shoots tacos. It’s the weird little brother of SXSW, and it’s the best.

It’s also full of sports, and because 1) I was there, and 2) I run a sports blog, I documented all of it to share with you here. I actually got to participate in some of it, too. My jobs as a returning judge for the Air Sex Championships and hosting gig for a veggie hot dog eating contest got me billed as a “Yellow State Artist,” meaning I performed (as it were) on the same stage as David Cross, Eugene Mirman, H. Jon Benjamin, Saul Williams and a magician who did a racist ventriloquist act and pulled ribbons out of a chicken’s ass. It was one of the coolest, best experiences I’ve ever had, and that’s not even mentioning how I got a crowd of hipsters to join me in a Daniel Bryan “YES” chant.

Inside this Golden Treasury of sports photos you’ll find:

- Skateboarding and BMX at “Ride The Plank,” sponsored by Project LOOP
- Pro wrestling courtesy of local pals Anarchy Championship Wrestling
- Mechanical bull riding
- The aforementioned Air Sex Championships, which gets covered a lot on With Leather these days and is exactly what it sounds like.
- The veggie hot dog eating contest

Stick around until the very end to see a shirtless fat guy in a horse mask squaring off against a punk rock pornstar. That is not clickbait, that actually happened. I love you, Fun Fun Fun Fest.

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(note: This image of Air Sex World Championships host and future pro wrestling manager of the decade Chris Trew hyping up the crowd is the most safe-for-life image I could use from this year’s event. If I put up most of the images in this gallery on the main page we’d lose our sponsors and I’d have to get paid with the Mr. Skin Minute. Not a world I want to live in.)

In case you haven’t been closely following the sport of competitive imaginary f**king, the Air Sex competition you may remember from last year has become a national sensation, with competitions popping up in Los Angeles, Chicago, and alongside acts like Donald Glover and Captured! By Robots during Fun Fun Fun Fest in Austin, Texas. The Funfest competition (which featured a guy pantomime-humping to the Mighty Morphin’ Power Rangers theme song) was such a hit that Air Sex’s “Wrestlemania”, the Air Sex World Championships, came to Austin last weekend. Pretended to come to Austin. You get what I’m trying to say.

Anyway, your perspectives on sex and humanity won’t be complete until you’ve flipped through some pictures of the event. All pics in this gallery are courtesy of Slightly Removed Photography (because how close do you want to get, honestly) and if you’d like to see more, or find out where naked fat guys and the occasional lady will be pretending to blow each other in your area, check out AirSexWorld.com.

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Links

Fun Fun Fun Fest In Austin - I’m going to miss out on Public Enemy, Childish Gambino AND Anarchy Championship Wrestling because as a local I didn’t spend 200 dollars on tickets 8 months ago. Somebody at the fest wanna read this and toss me a couple of tickets? I’ll promote you on my … on my uh, sports blog. [FunFunFun Fest]

The 10 Best Ways For Artists To Build Their Brands At Music Festivals - I like using the word “brand” in situations like this, because it reminds me of that contact lens commercial. “MY BRAND!” [Smoking Section]

This Man Is Terrified of Puppies - I got into an argument with my girlfriend over whether this clip is funny or sad. She won, I guess, because I couldn’t come up with an point broader than “come on, really?” [Warming Glow]

Haley Joel Osment Looks… Healthy - At this point I feel like Emily Osment should just cut her hair super short and tell people she’s Haley Joel. She’ll get more street cred, and he’ll still look like a human being. [Film Drunk]

Parks & Meth: ‘Breaking Bad’ Hilariously Meets ‘Parks & Rec’ - I want to start a site for articles like this nobody would Tumble. Like, ‘Three’s Company Hilariously Meets St. Elsewhere’. Waste two hours making graphics and watch the four dissatisfied hits roll in. |UPROXX|

Hoverboards Are Real; Effing Sweet - We’re through the looking glass, people. [Gamma Squad]

LISTEN UP, MAGGOTS! I’M MAKING MY GRANDDAUGHTER A SWEATER! - More like R. Lee Navy, am I right [Film Drunk]

Mr. Belding Is Doing Pretty Well, Actually - I don’t care what you say, he was the best part of ‘Saved By The Bell’. That show would’ve just been ‘California Dreams’ without him. [Warming Glow]

10 Marvelous Money Faces - Linking this here because “Marvelous Money Face” was my favorite Dick Tracy villain. [Buzzfeed]

Finally, We Have The Question To Which There Is No Answer: What Is The Best Coldplay Song? - I don’t understand my own relationship with Coldplay. I don’t think they’re bad or musically untalented, but Jesus, there’s no band that gets me to change the radio station faster. [FARK]

Is ‘The Three Musketeers’ the Stupidest Movie Ever Made? (And 24 Other Urgent Questions) - …yet I’m sure everyone involved, including Paul W.S. stupid Anderson, will get to make whatever they want next year, and the year after that, and the year after that. [Moviefone]

Come Up with the Best Reverse 80′s Remake. Win a Pajiba T-Shirt - Remember, nobody made real movies in the 80s, it was always just Molly Ringwald with Depeche Mode playing in the background. [Pajiba]