Make no mistake about it, Team USA handled the Nigerian Men’s Basketball team with humiliating authority yesterday, as Carmelo Anthony set a new team record with 37 points, and the entire team set world records with 156 points and 29 3-pointers. Nigeria? 73 points. It was an 83-point thrashing for the ages, and a game that will certainly spark a few morons to write: “Yeah, but what would the 1992 Dream Team have scored against this Nigerian team?”

But in this era of good sportsmanship and “Hey, everybody have fun out there”, it wouldn’t have made for a good enough story unless some reporter accused Team USA of running up the scoreboard. I don’t actually know which reporter asked the golden question, so I’ll assume his name is Boris Commiedick and he writes for the Pinko Times-Gazette. Nevertheless, Coach Mike Krzyzewski didn’t take too kindly to being called a showboat.

We didn’t play LeBron [James] and Kobe [Bryant] in the second half, and with Carmelo shooting like that, we benched him,” Krzyzewski said. “We didn’t take any fast breaks in the fourth quarter, and we played all zone. You have to take a shot every 24 seconds, and the shots we took happened to be hit.

“I take offense to this question because there’s no way in the world that our program in the United States sets out to humiliate anyone.”

Krzyzewski nodded toward Nigeria coach Ayodele Bakare and decided to speak for him too. “Coach would think it humiliating if we didn’t play hard.” (Via Yahoo!’s Adrian Wojnarowski to round out the names I hate spelling)

*unfolds American flag, clips it to rope, raises it up a pole, puts on glasses, stands on top of Mount Rushmore, lights a Roman candle*

Yo, rest of the world, listen up. I think I speak for the majority of American basketball fans when I say if you don’t like us paying back Shehu Shagari for his 419 scams by mopping the floor with Team Nigeria, then y’all need to get together and create a super team that can stop us. And that probably won’t even work. You’d need Voltron, a couple Thundercats, and probably some really hot stripper cheerleaders to distract our players. And even then you’ll probably lose by 30. So suck it, rest of the world. Suck it hard.

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In what some are calling the most American video ever imagined, pro wrestler and unstoppable WASPy goofball John Cena wins the WWE Championship in a steel cage match, then gets on the microphone and announces the capture and death of Osama Bin Laden to an arena full of hooting wrestling fans. The best part is watching wrestling fans react to a culturally significant moment in our national history in the same way they would’ve if Cena had been suddenly interrupted by the Ultimate Warrior. WHAT? WHAT? HOLY SH** HOLY SH**

As a wrestling fan, I find it thematically appropriate that Cena got to announce the capture of a guy we spent ten years not being able to see. I do kinda wish the Miz had retained the championship, just to see him standing on the table, doing that lean-forward semi-whisper about how EVEN OSAMA BIN LADEN DOUBTED HIM but now Osama is dead and the Miz is STILL THE W. W. E. CHAMPION.

I spent a few minutes trying to come up with jokes about how this video could be more rurally American, and outside of a monster truck entrance (possibly on the roof) and Cena handing out hot dogs, I came up short. Maybe tonight’s Raw will open with Vince McMahon triumphantly announcing that he’s captured and killed the guy behind GTV.

Eight-year-old Elizabeth Hughes became the biggest name in the world of Virginia hockey last week when she began singing the National Anthem at a Norfolk Admirals game, only to become the victim of a crappy PA system. In the meantime, as her tiny voice continued to sing, the crowd picked up the volume for her and the country bellowed a collective, “Awwwwww.”

Fortunately, Elizabeth’s 15 minutes of Internet fame live on, as Fox 43 in Southeast Virginia had her on yesterday to once again sing the Star-Spangled Banner, this time with no interruption. Still, wouldn’t it have been fun if the Fox crew went ahead and cut her mic anyway, and then finished singing the song for her? Sure, she probably would have cried, but it would have given her a gimmick. And she’d still be a million times cooler than the “You dun goofed up” chick.

Video of Elizabeth’s redemption after the jump, as well as the original performance…

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