The women’s tennis world is abuzz after Venus Williams laid a hurting on Patty Schnyder in the first round of women’s action at the French Open. Venus won convincingly in back-to-back sets, topping Schnyder 6-3 in both contests. Yep, people are super excited over Williams’ tennis skills… *receives paper from Punte’s messenger hawk* Oh neat, it’s a phot-OH DEAR GOD!!!

Tennis be damned, said Williams, who arrived at Roland Garros yesterday apparently running late from a bachelorette party. Her lacey, frilly, far-too-revealing outfit is surprisingly not an indication of a new endorsement deal with Trashy Lingerie, but a testament to her new “motif” for this year, as she told reporters. That motif, Michael? It’s illusion.

Make me blind with acid, Busted Racquet:

Despite looking more like she was auditioning for a spot at a 19th century cabaret than playing in the year’s second Grand Slam event, Venus won with ease, 6-3, 6-3. She wore a similar can-can style outfit earlier this year in Miami.

Venus said the look was all about “illusion,” but didn’t state whether she’d wear it again during the tournament. Typically, she says, she comes to a match with eight to 10 outfits.

ASYLUM POLL: Is Venus Williams’ tennis apparel over the line?

The illusion she’s referring to is possibly the pair of flesh tone shorts she wore beneath her skirt, making it appear like she was airing out the curtains. The outfit in question isn’t anything new, as Venus has a history of wearing risqué outfits to her matches. Surprisingly, I hear when she makes love she wears a suit of armor and a Sherpa coat.

Venus caused a similar stir in January when she wore a skimpy green skirt and flesh tone underwear while playing in the Australian Open, prompting the Huffington Post to dub her the “ultimate Australian Open hottie.” When reached for comment, my balls added: “Yeah, we can’t believe he invoked the Huffington Post either.”

FanIQ found some images of the 19-year-old Romanian, who is still alive in this year’s French Open. Not “Monica Seles stabbed and in the hospital” alive, but…you know what I mean. Our favorites are here, and our favorite to win the French is…[checks website]…Dinara Safina? Eh, she’s the 1-seed; that works for me.

Thanks to Adam for sending in the panda pic.

I feel compelled to revisit Andy Roddick’s ouster in the French Open from yesterday; apparently “ouster” can not only refer to one’s removal or ejection, but also refer to the one doing the freaking ousting! How cool is that? Anyway, Roddick threw a fit like someone just told him there wouldn’t be any ponies at his birthday party in the middle of his evening match with Frenchman¹ Gael Monfils.

Roddick complained about darkness setting in, and let’s be fair, when you’re banging Brooklyn Decker, there’s only so many things in life you can actually complain about. From Y! Sports:

“I’m having trouble seeing the ball,” [Roddick] told the umpire. “When we started what did the sky look like? Now look up to the sky and tell me what’s changed.”

The American former world number one gifted Monfils the first set with a service return into the net and lost the second after squandering three break points in the eighth game.

After querying the light situation again, Roddick slammed his racket down in anger during the changeover at 3-2 in the third, drawing boos from the partisan crowd.

I don’t give a rat’s can about Roddick or his rumored habit of always peeing sitting down or what he does with his life. I’m just really irritated that this has become the face of American tennis: some jagoff MacEnroe wannabe without the mental fortitude to win the big majors abroad. And he stole his nickname from a gay baseball player²! Monfils played in the same damn conditions he did, and did he cry to the umpire? Did he hit every other drop shot into the net? Hell, no. I guess those arrogant French clouds were too much for poor Andy to handle. Try speaking the language next time, or, better yet, not speaking at all.

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A wily Frenchman playing on his country’s grandest stage, Gael Monfils shows up Jürgen Melzer in this amazing point en route to a third-round win. Monfils, whose name translated to English literally means, “my son,” defies the oldest rule of tennis where guys would take two steps toward a return ball and quit on it. But not Monfils…he just didn’t quit on it. He’s currently two sets up on just beat Andy Roddick, making a go at the finals. Keep working, my son. Keep working.

Oh, and let the record show that I had a dime on Tommy Haas, who nearly pulled the upset over Roger Federer before collapsing in the third set. Thanks for nothing, Thomas…

Amelie Mauresmo, last year's Australian Open and Wimbledon champion, was upset today at Roland Garros by Lucie Safarova 6-3, 7-6 (3).  (I love scores in parentheses.)  Mauresmo cited her poor fitness due to appendix surgery in March as the key to her defeat:

"The fact is that there's no miracle today," Mauresmo said. "I mean, I've been struggling for weeks now. Coming here at the French Open, I didn't really know what to expect."

The miracle might have been that A-Rod wasn't court side to watch this match because I think he would really like Miss Mauresmo. (NB: Do not hit the magnifying glass unless you enjoy female facial hair.)  The lovely Maria Sharapova rallied from 1-4 to beat Alla Kudryavtseva 6-1, 6-4:

"I was making a lot of unforced errors," Sharapova said. "Not a lot of people are going to let me get away with that. It's a good reminder for the future not to let that happen again."

I would let you get away with Maria, but, of course, I make many "unforced errors" as well.  The doctor is trying to help me with it, but I find my mistimed strokes are lessened if I recite the '83 White Sox batting order in my mind during the throes of a match.  Don't worry darling, I'll be as right as rain by the time we meet in Flushing Meadows. 

In other hot women's action, Svetlana Kuznetsova of Russia sadly dispatched Dominika Cibulkova of Slovakia 6-2, 6-3.  Oh well, keep an eye (and some loose-fitting pants) on the fourth-round match between Ana Ivanovic and Anabel Medina Garrigues.  It's gonna be a dandy! -KD

The lovely Maria Sharapova advanced to the second round of the French Open by defeating Emilie Loit of France 6-3, 7-6(4), and I'm going to pretend like I know what that 4 in the parentheses means. 

The second-ranked Russian wasted seven break points in the first game of the match, but then converted both of her opportunities in the third and fifth games.  "My shoulder is still not where I want it to be. It's still not perfect," Sharapova said. "I don't think I've had a more serious injury."

I beg to differ Maria, your shoulder is perfect.  Your whole body is perfect.  God must have been drinking Jamaican Blue Mountain coffee the day he crafted your form. But I injured my shoulder once.  In fact, you were indirectly involved.  I'll tell you about it some time over drinks perhaps?  

In other hot clay action, Venus Williams beat Ashley Harkleroad (who is now on my radar) of the United States 6-1, 7-6 (8), Svetlana Kuznetsova triumphed over Ekaterina Bychkova (I wonder what her nickname is?) of Russia 6-0, 6-3, and Anastasia Myskina, the 2004 French Open champion, lost to American Meghann Shaughnessy 6-1, 6-0.

In men's action . . . I'm assuming you don't care either.  I'm going to daydream about playing "Cold War interrogation" with Miss Sharapova now. -KD