I expect that we’ve come to the end of the road in Kris Humphries’ sad love life if we’re paying attention to the Kim Kardashian “lookalikes” that he may or may not be dating. And in this case, according to the Daily Mail, the NBA free agent forward – who is probably going to be paid well thanks to a solid season that flew under the radar because of his terrible marriage – is currently spending time in South Beach with a girl who may or may not be his new girlfriend.

As you can see in the banner pic, the new definition of Kim Kardashian lookalike is apparently “woman with dark hair and a big ass”. And while I certainly spew my fair share of hatred at the entire Kardashian family – you try not loathing them after you watch them defile Biggie’s “Hypnotize” – I think Kim deserves a little credit here. If this girl looks like Kim, then I look like Brad Pitt. It’s close, but I’m not that arrogant.

After the jump, I break this terrible comparison down so we can put an end to this glamorization of talentless, athlete-chasing fame leaches.

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"You tell me, herp should I derp?"

Since officially becoming a free agent on Wednesday, Peyton Manning is the most popular dude at the desperation party, as basically any team in need of a quarterback is banging down his door. While Manning apparently claimed that he will have a decision made by the end of next week, the Kansas City Chiefs have set the bar with an unknown offer.

Meanwhile, the Denver Broncos are supposedly willing to do whatever it takes to land Manning, and even people in Philadelphia are calling for the Eagles to sign him. And, of course, Miami Dolphins owner Stephen Ross has his checkbook out as he laughs at everyone. So what the hell is really going on? You know, with the guy’s surgically repaired neck and that stuff that sort of matters.

“His risk really is very low,” said Dr. Robert S. Bray Jr., who has worked with NHL star Sidney Crosby and whose DISC Sports & Spine Center provides medical services for the U.S. Olympic team.

“If I was a team, I’d ask, ‘Did (the fusion) heal? Do you have a CAT scan that showed it healed? Is the rest of neck in pretty good shape?”‘ Bray asked. “If those two answers are yes, then it gets down to, ‘OK, get out on the field and show me you can perform,’ because it will only get better from here with time.” (Via the Indy Star)

I’m no NFL general manager, but I assume that all of the guys who are figuring out ways to kill each other to sign Manning probably already asked this question and that’s why they’re doing what they’re doing. But having been a Dolphins fan for this long, I still worry that maybe Jeff Ireland doesn’t put too much thought into something like this and Manning could be rolling around in one of those electric wheelchairs powered by a straw and he’d be like, “So let me tell you why you’d be great in Miami.”

Also, photoshops like this do more harm to my sports sensitivity than they do my hopes…

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The Indianapolis Colts are holding a press conference at noon today, at which Colts owner Jim Irsay and franchise face Peyton Manning are expected to tell everyone: “Sometimes an owner and quarterback are in love, but they’re not in love.” For the first time since being drafted by the Colts 14-years ago, Manning is going to be a free agent, as Irsay will announce that he will not honor the $28 million roster bonus that Manning is due tomorrow.

Somewhere, Stephen Ross and Jeff Ireland are shoveling pennies into giant potato sacks. But until the Miami Dolphins and New York Jets can spearhead a hilarious public bromancing of the elite QB that at least a dozen teams need, it’s all about reflection, and 13 seasons in Indianapolis.

“Time will take away some of the hurt that comes with leaving the organization,” Bill Polian told USA TODAY. “He will look back on it from a little bit of distance I hope secure in the knowledge that he made an incredible contribution to that franchise.” (Via USA Today)

And even though there’s that darn video that shows Manning tossing the old pig skin around at Duke University, face it, man – it’s just over.

“After 14 years, I recognize that throwing motion even from a distance,” Polian said. “He looked darn close to the original Peyton Manning.”

And there you have it. We’re mere hours away from the end of an era, and I can only imagine how hard this is on Colts fans, to see the man who pulled them from the sports dumpster and carried them on his back for more than a decade have the door opened for him to finish his career elsewhere.

Man, Colts fans must just be absolutely devastated…

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"Hello? Is this thing on?"

Last we heard from free agent wide receiver Terrell Owens, he was hosting open workouts in front of zero NFL GMs and he most recently signed with and purchased part of an Indoor Football League team. But apparently NFL teams shouldn’t take that as a sign that he’s done with his pro career. In fact, Owens is more than ready to play in the NFL again, despite nobody having any interest in him anymore.

Enter: Incredible desperation. Owens was interviewed for this month’s edition of GQ magazine, and not only does he once again try to play the misunderstood victim card, but he’s also readily admitting that he’s practically broke, due to his child support payments to four women and some awful business investments that he blames partially on his former agent Drew Rosenhaus. To put it bluntly, Owens says he’s “in hell”, but at least he’s optimistic.

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Hey Steve, do that impression of Giants fans again.

In a move that can only be described as “F*ck you, that’s how we roll,” the Philadelphia Eagles signed former New York Giants receiver Steve Smith to a one-year deal yesterday, just one day after Giants coach Tom Coughlin implied that it was going to take some more time for Smith to play again after his microfracture surgery and that the team would be waiting on him.

Of course that means he was still a free agent and the Eagles decided they didn’t want the Giants to have him anymore. And of course Smith disagrees with the way Coughlin told it.

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You may not be able to tell, but that image above is Photoshopped. Obviously Sidney Rice wasn’t wearing his Minnesota Vikings uniform when the Seattle Seahawks delivered his gigantic bag of cash yesterday, but we like to imagine that it was pretty similar. Rice, who missed most of last season after he delayed hip surgery stemming from an injury he sustained during the 2009-10 playoffs until a month before the season began, signed a 5-year deal with Seattle worth $44 million. $18.5 million of that money is guaranteed for the 24-year old receiver with one 1,000-yard season.

Welcome back, NFL. My how we’ve missed your economics.

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