Literally just a step up from Frank Stallone.

One of the first of many strange moments in this Peyton Manning free agency saga was actor Rob Lowe Tweeting that he “was hearing” that Manning would be retiring, presumably due to his 4th neck surgery. Indianapolis Colts owner Jim Irsay fired back something about classic rock songs and his new El Camino – my memory might be a little hazy – and the rest of us just made a bunch of jokes on Twitter, while silently hoping Rob was right so it would destroy sports reporting as we know.

Alas, here we are, on the morning of Manning’s first free agency, awaiting his decision with baited (tee hee!) breath. And if you’d like to believe him, Rob’s brother, Chad, also seems to be a bit of a scooper.

So Rob said Manning would retire and he was wrong. Chad says Manning will sign with the Arizona Cardinals, so by law of DNA and celebrity dipshittery I would be feeling pretty great if I were a Denver Broncos fan right now. That is, unless you’re one of the 60% of Broncos fans who would rather have Tim Tebow under center for next season, in which case, there are plenty of tickets available for Jacksonville Jaguars games next year.

With NFL free agency set to begin tomorrow, a lot of people believe that a handful of teams qualify for this equation:

Mediocre to average 2011 season + Peyton Manning coming off 4th neck surgery = ZOMG SUPER BOWL!!!1!

Among those teams have been the Denver Broncos, Arizona Cardinals, Seattle Seahawks, New York Jets, Washington Redskins, Tennessee Titans, San Francisco 49ers, Houston Texans, Philadelphia Eagles and Miami Dolphins. And what we know from an outlandish barrage of rumors and reports over the last 5 days is that only the Broncos and Cardinals really have a shot, because Manning hasn’t met with any other teams and he doesn’t want to. (Update: He’ll meet with Tennessee after all. Double Update: This is why the dead period before free agency sucks, because people can just report anything. Manning will meet with the Dolphins.)

That includes the Dolphins, but only because Manning claimed he’s familiar enough with their facilities that he doesn’t need a meeting. And while I think that’s a death rattle for Miami’s chances, that hasn’t stopped Miami’s fans from making one last-ditch, musical effort to sway Manning’s opinion.

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The absolute joy of the NBA lockout coming to a close is that we’re back to a non-stop fury of trade and free agent rumors that make absolutely no sense and are almost entirely unsubstantiated. For instance, did you know that since both the Orlando Magic and New Orleans Hornets want Andrew Bynum in a deal with the Los Angeles Lakers if they trade Dwight Howard and Chris Paul, respectively, they’re going to just go ahead and share the oft-injured center? After all, the only team that matters in the NBA is the Lakers, so sayeth the media, so sayeth David Stern.

But while the rumors heat up, the actual truth is that the Hornets are almost certainly ready to trade Paul, while the Magic remain dedicated to keeping Howard and building a winner around him once again. How serious are they? Drunk dial serious.

The rumor confirmed story is that Magic CEO/President Bob Vander Weide drunk dialed Howard at 1 a.m. this morning, and Vander Weide stepped down today, coming as a complete surprise to everyone in the organization. And that says a lot because he is owner Rich DeVos’ son-in-law. The NBA – where nepotism happens.

But as a Magic fan and one-time master of drunk dials, I commend Vander Weide’s efforts. Sure, Howard might not appreciate being woken at 1 a.m., but he needs to know how much we love him. Do you know, Dwight? Do you? Do you know? We love you, man. We should hang out more, dude. Hey, Dwight… hey. We love you, man. You don’t even know. YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW!

Super Sexy Update: Turns out Vander Weide was allegedly dipping his Vander Weenie in the ink of a different company.

With the Major League Baseball winter meetings under way in Dallas, this surprisingly stagnant free agency period is hopefully about to get a lot more entertaining. When the Miami Marlins are providing the only real excitement by signing Jose Reyes and overpaying Heath Bell, we’ve got a problem. Hell, I was at least hoping that 4 or 5 teams would be running smear campaigns against each other for the sake of signing Prince Fielder. But nope, bunch of jerks running these teams.

Thankfully, we have journalists like Jon Heyman, of Sports Illustrated and Scott Boras’ supple teat fame, who strapped a car battery to the testicles of this week’s meetings with a Tweet that would make Donald Trump proud.

If albert pujols wants to beat $200M 9-yr cardinals offer, he should produce birth certificate. skepticism abounds over 31 claim

Ah yes, the age thing again. You see, Albert Pujols is from the Dominican Republic, so he is most certainly lying about his age. It’s just like how all Iranians are terrorists, Greek men have sex with sheep and the Irish are all drunks. OK, maybe that last one is a bad example. But Heyman’s accusation – which echoes that of Marlins owner Jeffrey Loria – is pretty ballsy.

Let’s pretend for a minute that Pujols isn’t 31-years old. Let’s also go ahead and assume that he’s completely loaded up on steroids and HGH like some ignorant baseball fans like to believe to make themselves feel better about their teams sucking. Wouldn’t someone out there, some young, hungry bloodhound journalist, be trying desperately to reveal the truth? You know, instead of Tweeting it like a keyboard hard ass?

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"Sit down," yelled the no one behind them.

Miami Marlins owner Jeffrey Loria must be having a pretty good laugh right now, because we had mostly assumed that the rumors of his courtship of this offseason’s biggest free agents were a load of fish poop. The Marlins had been publicly enamored with Jose Reyes, Albert Pujols, Mark Buerhle and C.J. Wilson, but, by all accounts, their offers were riding a fine line between low-balling and insulting.

But low balls are better than no balls, because Loria flopped his big, ol’ pouch on the table as the winter meetings are kicking off in Dallas. The Marlins and Reyes have agreed on a 6-year deal worth $106 million, which ends the former Rookie of the Year’s 9-year stint with the New York Mets. The Mets wanted to keep Reyes, but they would need money for that and they don’t have any. Whoops?

By increasing their offer to Reyes, they knocked the Mets out of the running to hang on to their shortstop. The Mets were reportedly willing to give Reyes no more than five-year deal worth $75 to $80 million.

(Via the Miami Herald)

And that’s actually smart thinking by the Mets, seeing as Reyes will turn 29 next season, and he has missed 191 games over the last 3 seasons. That’s a pretty bold investment for the Marlins. I know what you’re thinking, though – don’t the Marlins already have a stud shortstop? Sure they do, but screw that guy!

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For the first time since 2000, the St. Louis Cardinals’ roster on the team’s official website is missing the name Albert Pujols. And while that’s simply routine procedure, it is certainly cause for panic and dismay in Baseball City, USA, with free agency well under way. Pujols is arguably the top free agent available, unless you see Prince Fielder’s youth as an advantage to Pujols’ upcoming “32nd” birthday or Jose Reyes’ value as a shortstop more appealing. And I hope that you do, as I also hope most general managers see it that way as well so it becomes that much easier for the Cardinals to re-sign Pujols and let him finish his career where he started.

Alas, with the free agency period beginning, the rumor mill cranks into full gear as well. My favorite rumor of the day is one that most people surely saw coming – Tony LaRussa and Albert Pujols joining Theo Epstein and the Chicago Cubs.

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