"Oh no, I'm falling, someone get me a pile of cash."

The Detroit Lions had suggested that they’d be announcing a new, super huge deal for Calvin Johnson today, and they sure didn’t disappoint. Megatron is now the highest paid non-quarterback in the NFL with a deal that makes Larry Fitzgerald look like a slightly less wealthier man.

Johnson’s deal will keep him a Lion through 2019 and tops the eight-year, $120-million deal the Arizona Cardinals gave Larry Fitzgerald last fall.

According to ESPN, Johnson’s deal is worth $132 million and includes $60 million in guarantees. That makes him the highest-paid non-quarterback in the NFL.

It also frees up a significant chunk of salary-cap space that the Lions can use to pursue free agents this off-season. Johnson was scheduled to carry a $21.1 million cap charge. (Detroit Free Press)

That’s important, because the Lions could probably use a quality RB that doesn’t get injured on every other play, or maybe even some upgrades on the offensive line. Regardless, this is a much deserved deal for one of the game’s true phenoms, and I only hope that he’s celebrating his success in the best way possible…

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"Dude, you've gotta stop going to night clubs, k bro?"

When Fox Sports reporter and Bond villain Jay Glazer broke the news yesterday afternoon that the Miami Dolphins had traded receiver Brandon Marshall to the Chicago Bears for two third round draft picks, a few theories hit the Twitters:

1) The Dolphins are run by complete morons.
2) The Dolphins were freeing up as much money as they could to sign Peyton Manning and Reggie Wayne.
3) The Dolphins are run by complete morons.

After all, how could they send away their best offensive weapon for less than what they traded for him just two seasons ago unless they had one hell of a plan? Well, Wayne signed a new 3-year deal with the Indianapolis Colts last night, Vincent Jackson signed with the Tampa Bay Buccaneers for $11 million a year, Pierre Garcon is a Washington Redskin and Robert Meachem is as good as a Buffalo Bill signed with the San Diego Chargers. So why the hell did the Dolphins trade Marshall?

Cops are investigating whether a star NFL wide receiver with a rough-and-tumble reputation punched a woman in the face at a Chelsea nightclub, sources said Wednesday.

The young woman filed a police report against Brandon Marshall, saying the 6-foot-4, 230-pound wideout smacked her in the eye outside the Marquee nightclub about 4 a.m. Sunday, sources said. (Via the New York Daily News)

That makes a lot more sense. Guilty or not, Marshall is possibly in for a punishment from the league, seeing as he doesn’t exactly have the best history with night clubs. I’m guessing that he’ll be slapped with a suspension just for showing up in the news again, because, fair or not, Roger Goodell can do whatever he damn well pleases.

As for the Bears, they say they were aware of the incident before trading for Marshall, but I have to believe that Dolphins GM Jeff Ireland was prepared to use his “No Take Backs” clause if necessary.

And we’re off. Well, we’ve actually already been off, because teams have been re-signing their free agents for most of the day, but now we’re finally going to get down to business and watch our favorite NFL teams jump all over the cream of this offseason’s free agent crop, and everything begins with the quarterback questions. First up is Peyton Manning, obviously, because if I squint really hard I can make my Twitter feed look like Manning and Dwight Howard had a threeway with Fab Melo today.

The favorites would appear to be the Arizona Cardinals and the Denver Broncos, because we’ve been led to believe that those are the only teams that Manning has met with. But apparently that’s not true, according to a blog on the Palm Beach Post’s website today.

Word broke late Monday night that the Dolphins did, in fact, meet with Manning for about six hours on Monday, just like he met with the Broncos and Cardinals for six hours each over the weekend. But in an interesting twist, Manning didn’t visit with the Dolphins in South Florida, even though he has a home here. Instead, Manning secretly met with the Dolphins in Indianapolis, likely to avoid the intense media crush that is trying to follow Manning’s every move.

That’s not too surprising, as Manning said that he would speak with Dolphins officials after he said he didn’t need to, and he also agreed to meet with Tennessee Titans officials after it was reported that he wasn’t going to meet with any other teams. After all of this is over, I’m going to need a nice, long nap.

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After taking a year off because none of the teams that he wanted to play for wanted to sign him, 35-year old wide receiver Randy Moss is back in the NFL thanks to a 1-year contract he signed with the San Francisco 49ers yesterday. Moss was immediately eager to speak about anything and everything, especially all of the things that the terrible, unfair media has blown up over his 13-season career, including… hey man, he’s just here to play this game that he loves and, good lord willing, help this team win.

More than anything, he looks forward to helping the 49ers young receivers get better, which Vernon Davis would probably appreciate so he can take a breather here and there.

“I think, not just Crabtree, but it’s a young group of guys. And there’s a saying I have: ‘I like what I can do for the NFL. I don’t like what the NFL can do for me.’ I’ve loved the game of football. For me to be able to start at a young age and play Pop Warner football and have my dreams come true to become a professional football player. I like what I’m able to give back to football and the NFL. If those guys are willing to accept me as a teammate, come here and make this thing happen, then I’m ready to give back anything I have: my knowledge, my work ethic and all of the above. I look forward to going out and working with these young guys, and coaches included.” (Via 49ers Talk)

I would have loved to see the chorus of eyebrows raising in the room when he mentioned work ethic, but I’m willing to give a guy a 4th chance, especially when he’s just so damned entertaining. But a lot of people don’t share that outlook on the man they call the Real Otis, so of course people are going to keep calling his reputation into question.

Harbaugh has made so much about the team concept and blue-collar mentality with the 49ers. How much did he talk to you about coming into the locker room and fit in and be another one of the guys?

Moss: “Well, the thing about me being here is they’ve done their research on me. And I think when it comes to the world-wide sports media, I’ve gotten a bad rap. They’ve done their homework on me or they wouldn’t have brought me in here.”

Why do you say you’ve gotten a bad rap?

Moss: “I’m just saying, more of not being a team player and things like that. I really don’t want to get into that because that’s not what I’m here for. I think that one thing I’d like the sports world to understand is the love and the passion I have for the game of football. I think every player wants to win and every organization wants to win.”

And maybe he’s right. After all, Jeff Fisher had nothing but high praises for Moss, even after he was completely worthless in the Tennessee Titans’ offense in 2010. Or maybe teams are just content with giving the guy a chance to come in and score touchdowns. Either way, it could be much worse for Moss.

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Literally just a step up from Frank Stallone.

One of the first of many strange moments in this Peyton Manning free agency saga was actor Rob Lowe Tweeting that he “was hearing” that Manning would be retiring, presumably due to his 4th neck surgery. Indianapolis Colts owner Jim Irsay fired back something about classic rock songs and his new El Camino – my memory might be a little hazy – and the rest of us just made a bunch of jokes on Twitter, while silently hoping Rob was right so it would destroy sports reporting as we know.

Alas, here we are, on the morning of Manning’s first free agency, awaiting his decision with baited (tee hee!) breath. And if you’d like to believe him, Rob’s brother, Chad, also seems to be a bit of a scooper.

So Rob said Manning would retire and he was wrong. Chad says Manning will sign with the Arizona Cardinals, so by law of DNA and celebrity dipshittery I would be feeling pretty great if I were a Denver Broncos fan right now. That is, unless you’re one of the 60% of Broncos fans who would rather have Tim Tebow under center for next season, in which case, there are plenty of tickets available for Jacksonville Jaguars games next year.

With NFL free agency set to begin tomorrow, a lot of people believe that a handful of teams qualify for this equation:

Mediocre to average 2011 season + Peyton Manning coming off 4th neck surgery = ZOMG SUPER BOWL!!!1!

Among those teams have been the Denver Broncos, Arizona Cardinals, Seattle Seahawks, New York Jets, Washington Redskins, Tennessee Titans, San Francisco 49ers, Houston Texans, Philadelphia Eagles and Miami Dolphins. And what we know from an outlandish barrage of rumors and reports over the last 5 days is that only the Broncos and Cardinals really have a shot, because Manning hasn’t met with any other teams and he doesn’t want to. (Update: He’ll meet with Tennessee after all. Double Update: This is why the dead period before free agency sucks, because people can just report anything. Manning will meet with the Dolphins.)

That includes the Dolphins, but only because Manning claimed he’s familiar enough with their facilities that he doesn’t need a meeting. And while I think that’s a death rattle for Miami’s chances, that hasn’t stopped Miami’s fans from making one last-ditch, musical effort to sway Manning’s opinion.

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