The 2013 European Indoor Athletics Championships were held over the weekend in Gothenburg, Sweden, finally answering my nagging question of “What the hell else do Olympic athletes compete in?” Men and women from all over Europe have competed since January to qualify for this huge athletics competition, and the biggest winners of this year’s EIAC included…

*scrolls through ridiculous list of foreign names and strange numbers, forehead vein bursts*

Yeah, so there you go – a bunch of people who won their events and others who didn’t. Real riveting stuff right there. But one winner stood out above the rest because he thought that he had done something super awesome only to find out that he didn’t. His name is Renaud Lavillenie, he is a French pole vaulter and I clearly know nothing about his strange sport.

Thank God, British pole vaulter Steve Lewis showed up to explain this odd meltdown video to us.

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While people want to turn video of Melissa Tancredi stepping on Carli Lloyd’s head into the next Zapruder film, I think the majority of us can agree that Argentina’s Facundo Campazzo blatantly hitting Carmelo Anthony in the nuts was one of the lowest points of Olympic competition. After all, there’s an unwritten law and a code among men that you should never smack another bro in the gooners unless it’s the absolute last resort. Campazzo did it because Chris Paul allegedly punched him earlier in that game, and that’s pretty much the ultimate bullsh*t excuse. Campazzo still hasn’t apologized to Anthony, but maybe he will apologize to his teammate Luis Scola when someone takes it out on him during an NBA game next season.

But we can stop talking about Campazzo now, because Nicolas Batum took the dick-punching cake today as he and Team France lost to Spain, 66-59. As you can see in the GIF above (Via Buzzfeed Sports) Batum absolutely wailed on Carlos Navarro’s turkey baster. At first I thought, “Well, Batum is probably punching at the ball.” But I was wrong, because Batum is both cheap and honest.

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There’s a great deal of added pressure on the U.S. women’s soccer team in this 2012 Summer Olympics, what with the men’s team apparently being contracted or something. Fortunately, stars like Abby Wambach and Hope Solo are up to the challenge, what with their whole being really talented thing going on.

However, yesterday, after a disheartening start in which the red hot French team, winners of 17 straight, got out to a quick 2-0 lead, the U.S. women showed why they’re best players for the best country in the world (f*ck you, Botswana) as they fired back to win the game 4-2. Multiple women player their parts in making this victory happen, but the game’s true star was our favorite, Alex Morgan, who was responsible for two of Team USA’s scores.

Said U.S. captain Christie Rampone, “They’re really stepping up and they’re really taking pride in wearing the USA jersey and showing American pride, more the mentality — kind of old school with a young flair. They’re doing a great job.”

Rampone says the combination of Wambach and Morgan puts this team in an elite class. She says, of Morgan, “She has embraced the fact that she’s now in the starting lineup and she plays well with Abby Wambach up top.” (Via the USA Today)

Unfortunately, not many conversations can take place regarding Morgan without mentioning her looks, because we’re a culture of perverts these days. Thankfully, we consider ourselves gentlemen at this fine website – despite what the HuffPo, Yahoo! and eventually Daily Mail when it finds a writer to copy another person’s opinion think – so I wanted to give everyone an opportunity to finally end the objectification of Morgan as the Internet’s “girlfriend” so we can simply appreciate her as a world class soccer player.

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Details are still trickling in regarding last week’s random night club brawl between the posses of Chris Brown and Drake, but what we do know so far is that Brown and his people have already been to the police and told a tale that makes everything sound like it’s all Drake’s fault. What we also know is that everyone involved in this stupid story is a total uber-douche, from Brown to Drake to dudes who rips their shirts off in clubs to Rihanna’s magical unicorn vagina.

But now we also know that France’s Olympic basketball hopes were very close to going down the crapper, because Tony Parker was also up in the club, getting popped in the eye by the flying projectiles.

“I was there with a bunch of friends when a fight broke out. They started to throw bottles about… I got it all,” Parker told a news conference.

“The cornea has been touched. I can’t do anything for seven days… But I was lucky. The injury won’t prevent me from competing the Olympics in any way,” he added. (Via Reuters)

It will take a nuclear Armageddon to stop NBA stars from hanging out with rappers, especially when a guy like Parker is both of those things. But hanging out with Brown is really the lowest rung on the ladder for a basketball player. I could name 100 hip hop artists I’d rather hang out with than Brown, including Coolio, Biz Markie, Snow, and MC Serch.

And I don’t hate Brown just because he beat the crap out of Rihanna or because he encouraged people to perform physical violence on Cher or because his music is drenched in autotuned sewage. Wait, no, those are precisely the reasons I hate him.

Euro 2012′s got all the hottest dance moves. (via Daily What)

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Links

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R. Kelly’s Debut Closed With An Undeniable Classic |Smoking Section|

Prometheus Behind-The-Scenes Photos: The Engineer Goes for a Swim |Film Drunk|

Paulina Gretzky Makes The Stanley Cup A Billion Times Better |With Leather|

Three Scientific Discoveries That Make Finding Alien Life Inevitable |Gamma Squad|

All the Instances of the ‘Daybreak’ Hum on ‘Community’ |Warming Glow|

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"Hey bro, you okay, bro?"

On Friday, the 76th annual IIHF Ice Hockey World Championship got underway in Finland and Sweden, and the U.S. team laid a 7-2 hurting on Team France for anyone who might have missed the game (translated: errbody). Obviously, France was pretty pissed off about that humiliating defeat, so the Fightin’ Eiffels came out swinging pretty hard against Kazakhstan yesterday. France won the game 6-3, but that’s not what anyone is talking about today.

The game featured 63 penalty minutes in total, but the biggest hit of the game belonged to 24-year old French forward Sacha Treille, who laid a vicious shoulder shot to Roman Starchenko’s head-ish/neck-ish regions, knocking him out cold. Treille received a major and match penalty, good enough for an ejection, and the hit will be reviewed by the IIHF disciplinary panel.

Sadly, I think this means I have to retire my Zinedine Zidane headbutt GIF as my favorite French sports cheap shot. I think it’s worth it, though.

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