I’ve prepared separate intro blurbs, depending on who you are. Find the one that is most appropriate for you!

I Don’t Watch Glee: I know, I know. Welcome to this week’s Sports On TV, featuring the first show I’ve ever watched specifically for the benefit of the column, FOX’s ‘Glee’. If you’ve never seen it, it’s a show your niece probably watched two or three years ago about a glee club at a Lima, Ohio, high school who interpret their feelings via reality-warping musical numbers. If you’ve never seen it and know what it is, yeah, it’s not great. However, if you’re a regular reader of the column, you’ll hopefully have a little faith in my writing/ability to write aggressively about stuff that sucks, so take a look through this one anyway. You’ll find a lot of funny jokes, a few pictures of hot girls and at least one video of zombie football players. That’s something, right?

I Watch Glee, And I Love It: Welcome to this week’s Sports On TV column, wherein I rag on that show you like because it’s not aimed at my intelligence level or demographic. Please read through the moments I’ve selected, tear apart any inaccuracies in my analysis, and show it to all of your friends so they can do the same. Make it really virally popular so nobody who likes ‘Glee’ will ever come here again!

I Watch Glee (Or Have Watched Glee) And Do Not Like It: You’re probably going to love this.

So please click through and enjoy the 20 greatest sports moments of ‘Glee’. *unnecessary bell ringing sound*

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Main card

Lightweight bout: Nate Diaz vs. Jim Miller
Welterweight bout: Josh Koscheck vs. Johny Hendricks
Heavyweight bout: Pat Barry vs. Lavar Johnson
Middleweight bout: Rousimar Palhares vs. Alan Belcher

Preliminary card (Fuel TV)

Featherweight bout: Dennis Bermudez vs. Pablo Garza
Lightweight bout: Danny Castillo vs. John Cholish
Flyweight bout: Louis Gaudinot vs. John Lineker
Welterweight bout: John Hathaway vs. Pascal Krauss
Flyweight bout: John Dodson vs. Tim Elliott
Lightweight bout: Tony Ferguson vs. Michael Johnson

Preliminary card (Facebook)

Middleweight bout: Mike Massenzio vs. Karlos Vemola
Bantamweight bout: Roland Delorme vs. Nick Denis

By participating in tonight’s discussion, you can unlock the dreaded DOUBLE FEDOR badge. Here’s how it works: during tonight’s show, all you have to do is “like” the post, share the live discussion on Facebook and tweet about it on Twitter. It’s easier than knocking out Bob Sapp!

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This makes me want to plug my ears with my fingers and shout-sing DO WAH DIDDY DIDDY DUM DIDDY DO. (via Cosby Sweaters)

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Links

10 Athletes Who Would Have Been Greater If They Listened To Kenny F*cking Powers - If you missed this yesterday, kiss my ass and suck my dick, everyone. (but no, seriously, read it) [With Leather]

10 Celebrities Who Look Like Abandoned Mattresses - Somehow this may be the greatest meme in Internet history, simply for how accurate it is. Poor January Jones. [UPROXX]

Madonna Joins Twitter For A Day, Flirts With Deadmau5 - Prince should join Twitter, he should have a midi of one keyboard note playing in the background and every tweet should be the continuation of the same non-stop sentence. [UPROXX]

5 Directions Medicine Can Go In Now That Cancer Is Toast - More stuff that gives 70-year olds boners, please! [Gamma Squad]

Quick Hits: Verdicts and Renewal Odds on 5 New Television Series - Everything on CBS: loved and renewed. Everything on NBC: good stuff canceled, stuff that looks like it should be on CBS renewed. [Warming Glow]

Hunger Games Review: The Future is Blurry - I sure am excited to keep hearing people talk about this movie when I’m in line at the grocery store. [Film Drunk]

Question Of The Day: Who’s Copping The Air Yeezy 2? - I don’t know what that means. [Smoking Section]

20 Supporting Actors From ’90s TV Shows Then And Now - A nice follow-up to my Waldo Geraldo Faldo joke in yesterday’s Best and Worst Of WWE Raw report. [Buzzfeed]

‘Zou Bisou Bisou’ & 15 Other Awkward TV Serenades - David Brent and Greg Brady absolutely do not count. Uncle Jesse absolutely does. [HuffPost Comedy]

Forget Kony 2012, getting Steve Holt in the Arrested Development movie is the most important cause of the year - Steve Holt! Not getting arrested for public masturbation! [Fark]

‘Downton Abbey’ Gets an American Spoof With ‘Downton Arby’s’ - Great, now I want jalapeno poppers, a roast beef sandwich the size of my face and a Mountain Dew the size of the rest of my body. [The FW]

The 10 Best Shows in the Fox Network’s 25 Year History - I’m sure ‘Woops!’ is number 11 and Pajiba just made a mistake. [Pajiba]

I like the part where he says he’s excited. (via Buzzfeed)

- Follow us on Twitter @withleather
- Follow me personally @MrBrandonStroud and Burnsy @MayorBurnsy
- Like us on Facebook.

Links

Question Of The Day: Can Anyone Stop Kentucky In The Final Four? - Where have you gone, Christian Laettner, our nation turns its lonely eyes to you. Woo woo woo. [Smoking Section]

Is the UFC’s Fox Deal Hurting Business? - MMA will officially be pro wrestling when its top stars have to fight each other to protect THIS BUSINESS~. [CagePotato]

The 2011 A1W 100: Meet Your Voters and Others Receiving Votes - The list hasn’t been revealed yet, but I sent in a ballot, so you’ll see my esoteric taste eventually. Feel free to fall in love with Veda Scott (pictured, but not on the list) now, before she becomes super famous. [The Wrestling Blog]

Youtube Appreciation: Ratatouille the Snowboarding Opossum - Editor Americus Matt Ufford shows some love for our favorite extreme rodent. Also, I am so awesome at Latin. [SBN]

Watching This Abandoned Blind Dog’s Rescue And Recovery Video Will Absolutely Slay You - The first time I’ve ever cried at an Avril Lavigne song. Be nice to animals. [UPROXX]

The ‘Mad Men’ Cast Gets ‘Archer’-Ized - The only way this mash-up could be more appealing to the UPROXX network is if Kate Upton and Alison Brie had become the same lady. [UPROXX]

Worst Trek Episode Ever: The Bracket Begins - Do the movies count? Because Star Trek V: The Final Frontier is the worst piece of sh*t movie ever. [Gamma Squad]

Donna D’Erico Is On The Hunt For Noah’s Ark - Almost as cool as the time Yasmine Bleeth died searching for the Holy Grail. [Warming Glow]

Worst Anti-Piracy Ad Ever - Worth it for the YOU WOULDN’T DOWNLOAD A BEAR graphic. I will be dead in the cold, cold ground before I pay for even one moment of Battleship. [Film Drunk]

Breaking Dawn — Part 2 Teaser: Bella Gets Laid, Becomes Beautiful Eternal Monster Who Eats Bambi - And speaking of terrible movies, eventually we’re gonna run out of YA novels and sad grown-ups are gonna have to find something else to do. [Pajiba]

You Can Now Buy the ‘Zou Bisou Bisou’ Song From the ‘Mad Men’ Season Five Premiere - I liked it better when I thought it was called ‘Zooby Zooby Zoo’. [The FW]

Most sports have a “we’re number one” foam finger. They’re stereotypically worn by people in TV show sports crowds to show how into the team they are. Like on King of Queens, if the King of Queens was going to a New York Giants game (or whatever) he’s going to have 1) a beer hat holding two beers and 2) a foam finger. Most of the time you can find a foam everything, hands, gestures, animal paws. Pro wrestling alone has offered foam razor blades, foam drunken middle fingers and foam Mexican guy heads.

In preparation for UFC’s debut on FOX, Cain Velasquez and his sponsor Dethrone have taken an important step toward portraying mixed-martial arts as a nationally-acceptable sport for the whole family by introducing the Dethrone UFC on Fox Foam Claw.

For only $9.99 ($7.99 if you order two or more) you can wave around an arthritic hand to support Velasquez in his heavyweight bout against Junior Dos Santos, and as an added bonus you get to spend an entire bath scrubbing your hand with soap, trying to get that weird foam smell out. Seriously, I had a Danville Braves foam tomahawk when I was younger and it made my hand smell like a dinosaur sponge capsule for two years.

Additional ideas, if they want the UFC souvenir stand to be legitimate: teddy bears who have nothing to do with UFC wearing UFC shirts. Also, plastic Brock Lesnar heads with ice cream in them.

[h/t to Maggie Hendricks @ Cagewriter]

Here’s another reason why you shouldn’t have turned on Zooey Deschanel for being “quirky” — she can sing the Star-Spangled Banner without putting her finger in her ear and trying to break it down.

Last week we shared with you the news that the star of FOX’s ‘New Girl’ and YouTube’s The Zooey Deschanel Show (not really) would be singing Our National Anthem before Game 4 of the World Series, and because I love baseball and All The Real Girls and have an “EXCUSES TO POST PICTURES OF HOT CHICKS” tag, here she is. Her performance is so straight-forward, in fact, that the video leaves me with only two questions:

1. When people make the shape of the country out of the flag like that, why don’t they ever try to include Alaska and Hawaii? and
2. Is George W. Bush the only President we’ve ever had who says he likes baseball and actually does? [Terse Political Comment here] but at least he can throw a baseball without looking like a complete liar.

Part of me wishes Zooey had Zooey’d up the anthem and had a hand-clapping children’s chorus in the background, or M. Ward milling around somewhere behind her holding a guitar three sizes too big for him. And if you’d prefer a less indie joke, FOX has lined up Damon Wayans Jr. to sing the anthem for Game 5, and another guy to take over for him two lines in.