Get it

There’s nothing Taiwan loves more than an American high school sex scandal. Sure, they love giving Kevin Durant lightning powers or animating Tim Tebow on the cross, but they’re at their tactless best when turning a complexly-emotional story of abuse into a video about rimjobs.

Much in the same way their Bengals cheerleader scandal video had Sarah Jones get a big “INDICTED” stamped over her vagina, Next Media Animation shares the story of Shelbyville High School cheerleading coach Megan Crafton’s sexual relationship with a 17-year old student by animating a hard-on and having Megan walk across a table in a bikini with a big sign that says CONSENT. It gets torn up, but I won’t spoil the reasons why. There’s information to be had, people.

Check out the video below. It’s worth it for the shot of her draining three-pointers and getting chased away by a ghost.

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This is Brigid Lesovsky, a female softball umpire who has been arrested on charges of having a sexual relationship with a 14-year-old girl. I’m guessing her last name is “Lesovksy” because she’s a lesbian and we’re all living through an episode of Rocky & Bullwinkle. Authorities only found out what was going on when the 14-year old got in trouble at school, and some phone calls were made. Some phone calls that, uh, probably should’ve been made a long ass time ago.

Lesovsky was charged with three counts of lewd or lascivious molestation and one count of lewd or lascivious battery, jail records show. On Thursday, she remained at Broward’s Main Jail, her bail set at $40,000.

The teen plays softball, and Lesovsky met her through her umpire position, officials said. The relationship began as a friendship, but turned sexual about a month ago, when the girl said Lesovsky fondled her, officials said.

Yes, but what did officials say?

The only really funny aspect of this story (and I know I’m doing a terrible job running both a sports AND a comedy blog) is that Lesovsky worked on an as-needed basis for something called the “Cooper City Optimist Club.” I am not interested in knowing what she considered “half full.” Hopefully this woman can find some counseling to help her both understand what she’s done and then never do it again. And then also probably something much meaner should happen to her, I don’t know, I’m not in any kind of Pessimist Club.

[Palm Beach Post]

NFL legend Lawrence Taylor has a fun defense for his impending statutory rape charge. And if it sounds plausible to you, then there’s a bridge in the New York City area that I’d like you to consider purchasing.

As one source put it, Lawrence engaged in a “masturbatory act” and that was it.

According to New York law, “A person is guilty of rape in the third degree when … he or she engages in sexual intercourse with another person less than seventeen years old.”[..]

[I]n the criminal complaint against the alleged pimp, authorities allege Taylor engaged in “sex acts” but there is not mention of sexual intercourse — a requirement for 3rd degree rape. –TMZ.

LT was also found in possession of a condom, and that’s good thinking. It ensures that he’ll never catch any sexual diseases from himself. Most people rent a video or call up one of their ex-girlfriends, but not LT. This is like the kid getting caught with his hand in the cookie jar and telling Mom, “I just wanted to look at it.” It didn’t work for me when I was 5, and it won’t work for LT now. Nobody ever wants to just look at it. Especially when they have protection handy.

I don’t know how you can watch this clip of Cris Collinsworth during a 1980s halftime piece for Monday Night Football and NOT think of Matthew Mcconaughey’s character from Dazed and Confused. They are the same guy. The same. Guy. In the clip, Collinsworth–then a wide receiver for the Cincinnati Bengals–professes his penchant for drawing the interest of high school girls, quipping, “Fourteen to eighteen, I’m a big star with them. As soon as they mature, after they turn 18, they start to figure it out.” And he said this ON NETWORK TELEVISION. Goodell would have any wideout in the league castrated if he said that today.

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Here’s the guy that would have won Super Bowl XLIII for the Arizona Cardinals if they just woulda thrown him the damn ball a little sooner. Of course, the waitstaff has no problem just throwing a plate full of pancakes, coffee, and whatever that little white thing is. Oh, I guess that’s a mug for the coffee. I forgot that they have that little bar of different syrups on the tables. But seriously, does anybody even eat breakfast anymore? I spend most of my mornings making sure my girlfriend gets to junior high school on time. via.