I don’t know about you hard-working folks, but when I hear that Forbes has released its list of the 100 Highest Paid Athletes, it might as well be Christmas morning to me. After all, nothing makes me happier than the success of a person who was given a gift by the gods. Well, that’s not entirely true. What makes me incredibly happy is when that person is also a total dick. Because if you’re talented and wealthy, what’s the point in caring what people think about you?

And hoo boy, this year’s Top 10 is chocked with some athletes that really don’t give a sh*t what people think about them. That’s not to say that these are all necessarily terrible human beings, but they’re definitely not universally beloved. For starters, did you know that the highest paid athlete of the past year currently lives in a prison cell?

Haha, life is fair!

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Forbes magazine today released their annual The World’s Most Powerful Celebrities, a top 100 list that ranks stars based on press coverage, social media buzz and whose agents paid Forbes the most money to put them on a list. At the top of this year’s 100: Jennifer Lopez, who was settling nicely into obscurity as that lady on Eric Cartman’s hand in an old episode of ‘South Park’ before ‘American Idol’ rocketed her back to prominence. Former American Idol winner Taylor Hicks also made the list, coming in at number 4,544,022 between Burnsy and the golden voiced homeless guy.

Tiger Woods managed to hang on as this year’s highest ranking sports celebrity, coming it at number 12. The only other sports guy in the top 25 was LeBron James at number 15, despite Roger Federer and Rafael Nadal coming it at numbers 2 and 3 in “Press Rank” behind Lady Gaga. I don’t know how much of this list is based on math and how much of it is based on people at Forbes trying to name 100 celebrities, so bear with me.

Here’s a full list of the sports personalities who ranked this year:

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I once thought that a great idea for a magazine would be Haters – “The publication devoted to people who hate sh*t.” It was my billion dollar idea until I learned that things take effort and I hate that sh*t. But lately I’ve realized that my idea would have just been a knock off of the magazine that already has hate down pat – Forbes.

When it’s not busy hating people who don’t have money, Forbes is going out of its way to compile lists of people and things that we all hate. This week, it’s the annual list of the Most Hated Athletes in America. Sure, they call it the Most Disliked Athletes, but read between the capitalist lines, amigos.

So who, pray tell, are the most heinous and villainous prick athletes in all of the land, Forbes?

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Forbes has released their annual Top 10 Most Influential Athletes list, and for the second year in a row, happy-to-not-be-aborted NFL quarterback Tim Tebow has ranked in the top ten. Tebow (who looks like a pre-surgery Bristol Palin) is one of four NFL players to make the list, along with Indianapolis Colts QB Peyton Manning, Pittsburgh Steelers safety Troy Polamalu, and New England Patriots Derby-attender Tom Brady. The difference between Tebow and the other people on the list is that the other people on the list have actually done things in professional football.

Tebow dropped from number three in 2010 to number ten in 2011. If he wants to get back to the top, he’s only got two options: win a Super Bowl, or write the entirety of Ephesians 6:10-18 across his forehead and hope for the best.

Interestingly enough, Forbes list contains no professional baseball, hockey or soccer players, but does feature a swimmer and three guys who drive cars. I don’t want to get into the “are NASCAR drivers athletes” debate (because they aren’t, because come on), but I understand their placement: if Dale Earnhardt Jr. told someone in my family to grab a knife and stab me, I’d be stabbed before he explained why.

[Forbes]

I’m not much of an expert when it comes to money, as evidenced by my solid gold toilets and multiple purchases from the International Star Registry, but thankfully Forbes is here to tell us when professional sports teams are wasting money. The money magazine recently released a study that determined the most and least efficient teams in Major League Baseball this season. By considering a number of factors, including blah blah blah and the square root of pi divided by zero, Forbes determined that the San Diego Padres were the big winners this year, despite not making the playoffs. The big losers? Come on, like you had to think about it.

The Chicago Cubs paved the road of inefficiency this season, spending nearly $2 million per win, compared to the Padres organization, which spent less than $500,000 per win. Basically, as the common fan can make such astute (Ed. – Tee hee!) observations as, “Aramis Ramirez is terrible” and “Alfonso Soriano is horrendous”, these numbers also show us that certain organizations have front offices that aren’t fit to put the square peg in the circle hole.

Make me feel better about my crippling student loan payments, Forbes:

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