Thanks to the success of TV shows like Flip this House and Flip Men, people have been scooping up cheap properties for years in order to give them the ol’ quick fix and sell them for a profit. Take NASCAR star Jeff Gordon and his wife, model Ingrid Vandebosch, for example. In 2007, they purchased a three-bedroom apartment at Central Park West in New York City for $9.6 million and they are currently trying to sell it for the low-but-profitable price of… $30 million. Gee, for that much Ingrid better come with it. Just kidding, we don’t ever buy people.

According to the folks at Halstead Property, this place is worth every penny. All three billion of them. This 3,454-sq. ft. luxury apartment has been renovated top to bottom, as Gordon and his smokin’ wife installed all-new flooring throughout the home, as well as an enormous oak sushi bar in the living room.

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Here’s a fun little factoid for you crazy sports fans out there: athletes tend to buy really expensive houses. Who would have thunk it, right? Well it turns out that in a lot of cases, when athletes retire or change teams, they sell those houses and then people have an opportunity to take a look inside and see how the 1% really lives. And I’m almost always disappointed by the lack of bearsharktopus cages. Step your game up, so-called ballers.

Yesterday, the Cookie Kwans at Realtor.com posted some of the latest listings of current and former Major League Baseball players, and while there wasn’t anything too crazy, it was still pretty interesting. For instance, I can’t quite wrap my brain around how a guy could invest a quarter of his 5-year, $80 million salary into a home purchase, but then again nobody has yet to accept my challenge of giving me $80 million just to see how fast I can blow it. Offer still stands, billionaires. Let’s get this done.

Search for your dream home after the jump, you silly cash cows.

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Yesterday, celebrity gossip morons across the Internet “reported” that golfer and orgy enthusiast Tiger Woods was selling his massive yacht, “Privacy”, for $25 million. Tiger’s smoking hot ex-wife, Elin Nordegren didn’t want to keep the yacht as part of her ridiculous divorce settlement because Privacy costs more than $2 million a year to maintain, with a permanent staff of 13 people having to constantly stain guard and Febreze. I’m guessing she also didn’t want the constant reminder of all of the Shoney’s hostesses and meth-addled porn actresses, of whose poopdecks Tiger swabbed on the Privacy. Also, Tiger doesn’t need to keep the 155-foot yacht because he just bought a new one. Man, I hope he overcomes all of these problems someday.

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The most marketable face of pro hockey’s most unstable franchise is gone. Wayne Gretzky, who happens to be one of the greatest players to ever play the game, has quit as head coach of the Phoenix Coyotes.

“This was a difficult decision that I’ve thought long and hard about,” Gretzky said in a statement Thursday on his Web site. “We all hoped there would be a resolution earlier this month to the Coyotes ownership situation, but the decision is taking longer than expected.

“Since both remaining bidders have made it clear that I don’t fit into their future plans, I approached general manager Don Maloney and suggested he begin looking for someone to replace me as coach. Don has worked hard and explored many options. I think he has made an excellent choice, and so now it’s time for me to step aside.”

Gretzky’s replacement seems to be in hand, though no announcement has been made. And there’s a good chance that this could be it for the end of the Coyotes in Arizona, and the league-wide ramifications of the sale could be zzzzzzzzz…

You’re forgiven if you haven’t been following the saga of the sale of the Phoenix Coyotes. It’s hockey, it’s the offseason, and it’s Arizona. Even the people in Arizona don’t care about hockey in Arizona, which is how we got into this mess in the first place. But things are approaching a fever pitch, if you will, and it seems appropriate to provide an update on the chicanery-laden proceedings:

• The NHL is pretty hardcore about keeping the team in Arizona, perhaps more for the regional presence in the league than the human turnout for actual games. The Coyotes rank 28th out of 30 teams in home attendance, according to ESPN.
• The Coyotes lost $54 million last season, and the NHL confirmed that they are involved with the day-to-day operation of the team, assuming control of certain team assets after loaning the club an undisclosed amount of cash. And this happened about a month after commissioner Gary Bettman quipped about the team “not [being] on life support.”
• Majority owner Jerry Moyes first bought into the team in 2001. The team has not turned a profit since his arrival, and is currently in Chapter 11 bankruptcy protection. Protection is important, yo.
• Moyes’ attempt to sell the team to Research in Motion co-CEO Jim Balsillie–who wanted to move the team to Hamilton, Ontario–was unanimously blocked by NHL ownership. That ruling has gone to court.
• Jerry Reinsdorf, who owns both the Chicago Bulls and Chcago White Sox, made a bid for the team valued around $148 million, which has since been retracted. Reinsdorf wanted assurances that he could move the team if he couldn’t make money
• In what seems like a last-ditch effort to keep the team in Arizona, the NHL announced that it would make its own bid to buy the team. The value of that proposed bid has not been disclosed.
• Coyotes coach Wayne Gretzky is totally gay.

Okay, I made that last one up. But the chaos in keeping the coolest game on earth in one of the hottest, most expensive, most passive hockey audiences in America is building to a fine crescendo. If Gary Bettman launched the team into space and announced that they’d play the 2009-2010 season on Mars, I wouldn’t be surprised. The Martian market is just begging for a pro team, but there’s no way they’d put up a subsidy for a new arena. Aliens aren’t that stupid.

The Atlanta Journal-Constitution has images of Michael Vick’s old mansion. Not old as in old, but old as in “he doesn’t own it anymore.” I’m so sick of friends telling me that they bought a new car and then it turns out to be some 2002 Camry or some shit. THAT’S NOT NEW! Anyway:

This nearly 20,000-square-foot home is one of Sugarloaf Country Club’s most notable estates. The eight-bedroom mansion once belonged to former Falcons star quarterback Michael Vick. It will be auctioned March 10 for a minimum of $3.2 million, though the home is available to early buyers for $3.15 million. Funari Realty is handling the sale.

I called and asked about pet stains and they told me that I wouldn’t believe how easy it is to scrape blood off of concrete. So there’s that.