If you don’t watch WWE programming, you may not be familiar with Fandango. He’s a pro wrestler slash ballroom dancer (no, seriously) who will only wrestle you if you pronounce his name properly. It’s not “Fandango,” it’s “FAAAAAAAHN, DAAAAAAAHN, GOOOOOO.” You really have to let the As breathe. His entrance theme is a wonderful piece of elevator music by WWE maestro Jim Johnston. Up until now, Fandango has only been loved by esoteric Internet weirdos like myself, who prefer niche, goofy character work to, say, The Rock saying he’s gonna turn stuff sideways and stick it up a guy’s ass.

Anyway, the crowd at Monday’s live Raw show changed all that. You can read about it in this week’s Best and Worst of Raw column, but here’s the short version: the crowd suddenly (possibly ironically) fell in love with Fandango, cheering him and singing his entrance theme. Well, humming it, because there aren’t any words. They started dancing around, and a phenomenon was born. His entrance theme (“ChaChaLaLa” … no, seriously) started selling like mad, and is still in a ridiculously high spot on most popular music charts.

To continue Fandango’s ascent into pop culture infamy, NFL cheerleaders have started doing the Fandango. Fandangoing, if you will.

When 51 Finalists competing to be Texans Cheerleaders paused from action last night… The most EPIC fit of #Fandangoing broke out at Practice! “No… no no no it’s…”

I knew there was a reason I loved this team. Here’s the video. Warning: You will be singing/doing this all day.

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"I have thought about this a lot, seriously."

If you’re like me, you have a problem with women, because women be trippin. You try to flirt with other girls on Instagram, because a woman will sleep with you if you hit the little heart button under a picture they’ve uploaded to the Internet, and your woman gets MAD at you, as if it’s YOUR fault for getting a hard-on for some titties in a “toaster” filter.

Thankfully, Philadelphia Eagles wide receiver DeSean Jackson is here with THE INSTAGRAM RULES FOR MEN, easily the most handy set of rules handed down since Moses descended Mount Sinai. Here they are, in their glory:

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I OFFICIALLY SAY THE “R” WORD

… retarded?

RETIREMENT – THERE I SAID IT

ANTHONY “SPICE” ADAMS – NFL FREE AGENT

And so begins the epic retirement announcement video from nine-year NFL veteran a defensive tackle Anthony Adams. If every pro athlete retired like this, the world would be a happier place. Highlights include an announcement dinner at a White Castle, an incredible shirt that links exercise to bacon, and that adorable little girl being interviewed. Oh, and a well-timed job application.

If you only watch one video of an ex-football player being depressed in a fast food restaurant today, make it this one.

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Don’t like reading horrible stories about former sports celebrities molesting children? HERE, HAVE TWO.

The first is Elizabeth Leigh Garner, a 42-year old former Tennessee Titans cheerleader, who is in trouble for getting drunk at a party, following a 12-year old boy (yes, a 12-year old boy) into a bathroom and trying to go down on him against his will. This is a thing that happened in real life.

“He stated she was asking him if he had ever been with a woman,” Roberts reported, adding the boy disclosed she then touched him inappropriately on the outside of his pants. “He also said she was making an attempt to take his shorts off …” and told the boy she would perform oral sex on him.

The boy told Roberts he became frightened and was able to get out of the bathroom and tell his mother. (via Black Mountain News)

That last sentence is such a ghastly reminder of how young a 12-year old really is. Her excuse is equally embarrassing, and the type of thing you can’t really make up.

“Ms. Garner, who was advised of her miranda rights, stated that she was drunk that evening,” Roberts reported, “and that she got the boy confused with a man who also at the residence.”

To her credit, it’s probably totally easy to mix up a grown man with a 12-year old who is sobbing and running off to tell his mother. Here’s a video clip of the story, courtesy of NewsChannel5.com:

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Bill Walton (R) with UPROXX's own Vince Mancini

Yesterday, Deadspin reported that ESPN’s golden child and father of Grantland, Bill Simmons, had been unusually silent on Twitter for the past two days, and it turned out that the Worldwide Leader has placed a gag order on him after he criticized First Take’s horrible debate segment between Skip Bayless and Seattle Seahawks DB Richard Sherman. Simmons was arguably correct in saying that the whole thing was embarrassing for everyone involved, but that didn’t stop ESPN from laying the hammer of internal justice upon its most celebrated employee.

The reaction was interesting, in that a lot of people who haven’t liked Simmons for years were all like, “Oh snap, original Sports Guy back???” But I’m going to try to put the basic thought process into terms that Simmons fans might better understand. You know when your best friend starts dating a really hot girl but there’s more than meets the eye to her – like when Valerie Malone showed up on 90210 and started dating, well, everyone, right? – and when there’s finally a struggle between the two, you hope that your friend is going to see the light and dump her sorry ass. But then even when she leaves, he replaces her with Gina Kincaid and you’re like, “This guy just won’t ever learn.”

That’s what I took away from the bulk of reaction to Simmons’ hush-hush yesterday. But you want to know how Bill Walton took it? He took it as, “F*ck it, bros, I’mma say whatever the f*ck I want!”

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It’s Friday, which means we’re all tired and ready to go home. It also means that we’re more open to ridiculing people similar to ourselves (sports fans) who have made horrible life decisions, because what’s wrong with you, we’re just trying to lay low and go home.

I’ve been trying to figure out which of these is worse — the guy who got the Miami Heat logo and the word “LeBron” shaved into his head, or the guy who got a Pittsburgh Steelers Terrible Towel” tattoo on his shoulder. You know, so it looks like he’s got a towel on his shoulder. FOREVER.

Let’s compare and contrast them:

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