If you’re like most Americans, you do that thing where you go PFFT, WHAT, YOU MEAN SOCCER when somebody calls soccer “football.” It may be the most defining aspect of our nation. We can’t process why a sport involving a ball and your feet would be called “football,” because the sport where you only use your feet once you’ve given up is already called that.

Today, the concept of soccer as football finally makes sense to us. Two German teams played an amateur match on an “American football pitch” last Friday and went full David Akers.

Playing on an American football pitch, [visiting keeper Marcel] Kindler’s save directed the ball onto crossbar of the American football goal, and the ball ended up rebounding back into play.

Incredibly the referee waved play on, and Altona 93 centre-forward Beytullah Atug capitalised on the official’s mistake to smash the ball into the net.

If I was the guy who scored this goal, I’d go to my grave claiming to have done it on purpose. I’d also start playing soccer in a helmet.

[h/t to Reddit]

Thanks to Miami Marlins owner Jeffrey Loria basically tricking Miami-Dade County into giving him a ton of cash for a stadium that literally everyone not involved in the funding process knew was a horrible idea, the Miami Dolphins were unable to secure a considerably smaller amount of public funds to renovate Sun Life Stadium. That led to CEO Mike Dee calling the team’s future in Miami “bleak” before kicking off a new rumor campaign of moving the team to Palm Beach.

In the meantime, the Dolphins are also making a pitch to the NFL to host Super Bowl L in Miami, and among a number of ideas that are so Miami they may as well have blue hair and iguanas in their front yards, the team would host a football game on an aircraft carrier. Somewhere, the writer of Hot Shots smiled.

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wait what the f**k is going on

Writing about Alex Karras in today’s Sports On TV: Archer’s 15 Greatest Sports Moments sent me down a YouTube rabbit hole, and I cannot believe what I found.

If you’re like me, you know George Plimpton best from Ken Burns’ Baseball and from that one episode of ‘The Simpsons’ where he tries to talk Lisa into throwing a spelling bee for a college scholarship and a hot plate (“it’s perfect for soup!”). In the 1950s and 60s, Plimpton was a prolific sportswriter and author whose schtick was signing up to participate in pro sports without any training or know-how, then writing about his experience. He boxed with Sugar Ray Robinson, stood in net for the Boston Bruins, pitched in a post-season exhibition game at Yankee Stadium under coach Mickey Mantle and attended preseason training as a backup quarterback for the Detroit Lions. These moments were shared in beautifully-written books or in the pages of Sports Illustrated.

Also one time he learned pro wrestling against the dad from ‘Webster’ dressed like a caveman lion. That was … uh, not written about beautifully.

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Quarterbacking is serious business, especially when you’re a junior in college. So when your teammates fall over like fainting goats to prank you because they think it’d be funny, you gotta SPIKE THAT BALL and RUN AWAY.

That’s what Bryn Renner did. Brynner. He became a reasonable level of enraged when his teammates tried to have fun, took off his helmet, ran downfield and refused to high-five any of them when he went back into the huddle. You see, Brynner is not here to play games. If you’re going to be a goat in Bryn Renner’s presence, you’d better be a goat on all four legs goddammit.

The clip:

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As you may know, the Houston Texans cheerleaders are my favorite. They’re a fun bunch of ladies who aren’t afraid to Fandango on the Internet between the Monday Fandango was cool and the Monday he was violently ruined.

Here they are hanging out with the 41st President of the United States, George H.W. Bush, and his amazing, amazing socks. Look at those things. I bet even Derrick Bateman doesn’t own socks that patriotic.

President George H.W. Bush recently spent some time with the Houston Texans Cheerleaders and a few photos and videos were snapped. The former President was on hand to present roses to the newest selected 2013-2014 Houston Texans Cheerleaders. The President presented each of the 35 girls with a red rose, and also had time to thank the ones who visited him while he was in the hospital recently. (via Next Impulse Sports)

All political preferences and discussion aside, this is sweet. Here’s the follow-up picture, featuring George making a perfectly reasonable face to be made around a Houston Texans cheerleader whether you’ve been the leader of the free world or not.

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I don’t know if you’ll be able to handle this news, but country singer Faith Hill will be leaving her job of “waiting all day for Sunday night” in the Sunday Night Football intro after 8 years of service. It’s okay if you “cry a little.”

In lieu of a gallery of leggy sports women, here is our brief statement of sadness.

Hill used the same writing talent that crafted the lyric, “if I could grant you one wish/I’d wish you could see the way you kiss,” to express her sadness and gratitude via Facebook:

Amazing 2 have been part of SNF – an honor. I’ve just let everyone there know it’s time 2 let someone else rock the open. Difficult decision. Kinda emotional. Love all u guys at SNF – I’ll b watching!!!

Welcome to Obama’s America, I guess. What’s next, Cleatus the Football Robot leaving FOX Sports to pursue his dream of being a baseball robot? Come on.

Never forget:

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