As I’ve mentioned in the past, much to your undoubted excitement, I spend way too much time on Twitter and Tumblr all for the purpose of entertaining you. I mean, if I don’t scour the Internet for GIFs of Brooklyn Decker and Kate Upton, then who will? Sure, I could be rewarded with a Pulitzer one day, but I’ll settle for a Peabody.
In between the GIFs and the jugs, though, I stumble across random sites that simply make me giggle. Today’s chuckle maker comes courtesy of the Tumblr page, The National Foodball League, which combines three of my favorite things – football, puns, and food. If I can appeal to Will Riggins, the artist behind these delightful food (and other) images, I would one day like to see Ryan Bananahill, Veggie Bush, and Flan Carpenter.
I’d make them myself, but I’m fat and it won’t end well.
“Shoenice” (he’s the one in the video wearing a shirt with SHOENICE across the front) is a comedian from upstate New York and a Yankees fan who has amassed a decent amount of side-eyed Internet fame for eating random sh*t — bottles of Elmer’s Glue, tampons, an entire box of crayons, etc. — and while it’s not even remotely related to sports I’m gonna quote the NEW YORK YANKEES, CRAZY FANS and COMPETITIVE EATING tags and say f**k you, it’s Friday.
This is easily my favorite video he’s ever done, 10% for the absurdity of a guy thinking this was a good or desirable idea and 80% for the hilarious commentary of his friends. Here’s a definitive list:
- “Oh myeh God, GOD DAMNehhh” - “You’re rocking, dude!” - “Niiice, bro!” - “Ohson!/Oh my God!” - “Yer da man!” - “Woo! Woo.”
The final 10% is for visual proof that Shoenice has friends. I’m guessing he used his glue-chugging money to make these guys paid extras.
Challenge Accepted: The Best Of Your Excited Suh Photoshops - Some of these are truly inspired, especially Suh’s size-appropriate appearance on The Price Is Right. [Kissing Suzy Kolber]
Funny, Sexy and Awesome Cosplay Of The Week - General Beatrix wins this for the rest of time. I’d marry that girl if I thought she actually knew who that is. [Gamma Squad]
The Best Burger King Commercial Ever - You know what? Even I want to eat Burger King after watching this. [Warming Glow]
Holzerman Hungers - I wouldn’t eat anything on here (except the bean curd, pending), and he probably wouldn’t touch quinoa with a ten foot meat pole, but Tom Holzerman is a friend of the site and he wants you to check out his new food blog so we’re helping him out. [Holzerman Hungers]
GWAR Reviews War Horse - I don’t seem like the kind of guy who’d be into GWAR, I know, but sh*t, I’ll watch them review anything. And fight Tracy Smothers. [Film Drunk]
Run DMC’s ‘Christmas In Hollis’ Done In Emoticons - God bless you, internet. [Smoking Section]
Hungry African Bull Frog Not Amused By Smartphone Video Game, Enacts Vengeance - Sometimes I don’t have a blurb to write, and it’s because of titles like this. The guy trying to trick a damn frog deserved to lose a finger. [UPROXX]
MMA Video Tribute: The 25 Most Brutal Finishes Of 2011 - The koppo kick is probably my favorite thing in the world. Also, watching Anderson Silva nonchalantly kick guys in the chin never gets old. [Cage Potato]
Drew Brees, The Passing Record He’s About To Break, And What A Monster Season Looks Like - One day I’m going to sit Jon down and make him teach me how to make graphs. Then I will make so many graphs, you guys! [SB Nation]
WWE Superstars With Tiny Heads - I don’t know why this exists, but Jesus mother Mary of Joseph is John Cena’s neck terrifying in context. [Tauntr]
What Tim Tebow Is Saying While He’s Tebowing - “Jesusly” is an adjective (adverb?) I’m going to start using daily. [Kissing Suzy Kolber]
40 Awesomely Nerdy License Plates - Yesterday I saw a truck with Texas plates that just said “EARTH”. Who signs up for vanity plates and is all, “you know what? Make it say EARTH”. And “Texas EARTH” for that matter. [Gamma Squad]
Mickey Rourke: “Most Actresses Are C*nts With A Capital K.” - Aside from that remark, this interview is awesome. How did you prepare? I showed up, and there were hot chicks. If his face didn’t look like that, he’d be my hero. [Film Drunk]
Not Everyone Thinks Highly Of Beats By Dre Headphones - Great, now he’s going to push back the release date and feel sorry for himself for a few years. [Smoking Section]
The Best Of #Buster Bluth - He’s a monster. [UPROXX]
Jason Segel and the Muppets Are Welcome to Host ‘SNL’ Any Time - Kermit touching his belly on the “Really” part of Weekend Update is my new favorite thing. I genuinely care more about Kermit than I do most celebrities. [Warming Glow]
Arnold Schwarzenegger Should Do DVD Commentary For Every Movie Ever - This is where I link you to Gamma Squad, and you go there and watch the video about Arnold Schwarzenegger. [Gamma Squad]
The Greatest Mugshot Ever - Our generation in a nutshell, people. [Buzzfeed]
Food Shoved Into Other Food - And bring us the finest food you’ve got stuffed with the second finest. [Adult Swim]
Awesomely Geeky Couple Poses for ‘Star Wars’ Engagement Photos - Sorry, no part of this is awesome. Star Wars scientifically cannot be awesome in 2011. It’s ruined, guys, go watch Babylon 5. [The FW]
Magazine Celebrates 50 Cent’s Five Different Personalities - I guess when he changes clothes it’s a different personality? [Popcrush]
20 Awesome Title Graphic GIF’s of 16 and 8-Bit Games - Super awesome. This is how we should be spending our time. (although I guess that leads to situations like the mugshot, doesn’t it) [Unreality]
I miss when everything in hip-hop looked like it was the ‘A Different World’ opening credits.
Obits: Heavy D Dead At 44 - Rest in peace, Overweight Lover. [Smoking Section]
Do The Right Thing, Which Also Happens To Be The Smart Thing, Nickelback! - What kind of compassionate God takes Heavy D and leaves Nickelback? Chad Nickelback needs to record a nerdcore dubstep record in his free time and stop only being the Nickelback guy. [UPROXX]
TV Gourmet: Making the Steak-Tanic from ‘Happy Endings’ - I can’t believe someone watched Happy Endings long enough to make a TV Gourmet entry about it. It’s like Elisha Cuthbert showed up to the TV studio and said “hey, let’s make Scrubs, but only the relationshippy parts”. [Warming Glow]
“Modern Warfare 3″: The Best And The Worst Game Of The Year - When you shoot a guy, it really looks like you’re shooting a guy. Does Modern Warfare 3 have a thing where you can grapnel boost? Because if it doesn’t, it isn’t game of the year. [Gamma Squad]
New Robocop Will Be An Origin Story, Basically - Big f**king surprise. Get to the Robocopping parts. [Film Drunk]
Dr. Drew Keeps It Classy - This is a waste of everybody’s time, but to his credit I really wish my job was grabbing teen boobs to prove they’re real. [Warming Glow]
Seanbaby’s Library of a Madman – Catflexing - I can’t believe that it’s been 15 years and Seanbaby hasn’t evolved even 1%. He even has the same haircut. Come on, Seanbaby, even Tucker Max started telling different sushi pants stories. [Adult Swim]
10 Crime Shows From the ’80s That Need a Reboot - That one where Ernie Reyes Jr. jumpkicks two guys at once. [The FW]
Skeletor To Appear in Playboy Next Meth…Er…Month - Calling women “skeletor” is so 1998. Regardless, you can just google “Lindsay Lohan fake nudes” and find pictures just as realistic as the ones you’ll see in next month’s Playboy. RELEASE THE UNEDITED PHOTOS, HEF. [FARK]
The Rita Bennett Problem: Why Are So Many Great TV Dramas Weighed Down by Horrible, Annoying Female Characters? - They aren’t, we just hate women, so when women have antagonistic qualities we don’t think they’re cool, we think they’re “bitches”. [Pajiba|]
Where Are They Now? The Cast of Doogie Howser - I know the one had an Amy Winehouse corpse at his Halloween party, don’t know about the rest of them. [Unreality]
Accurate Airplane Seating Chart - Funny because it’s true. If he was trying to get over as a comic today, Seinfeld’s act would’ve been nothing but links to the Internet. [High Definite]