What’s the best way to celebrate UFC Light Heavyweight Champion Jon ‘Bones’ Jones, a man so intensely athletic that he can cause his own toe to twist off like a bottle cap and still win a fight? By having the least athletic person you know, possibly yourself, put every food item within 20 feet onto a sandwich role and call it the Bones Jones.

Ladies and gentlemen, the Bones Jones.

Ingredients – salami, ham, habanero nacho cheese, country fried bacon, habanero pickles, chipotle mayo, and fried Mac n cheese bites! On a toasted sub!

I’m (somewhat predictably) not a fan of the Epic Meal Time gag, so I’m even less of a fan of the Epic Meal Time also-rans. There’s comedy in wrapping a full-sized, living cow in bacon slices and dropkicking it into a microwave or whatever, but there’s a fine line between “here’s an hilarious thing to eat” entertainment piece and just being a grotesque motherf**ker who eats everything he owns in a pile.

I really want to see Spilly improve the Bones Jones by adding Play-Doh to it.

[h/t to Middle Easy]

Remember earlier this month when Justin Smoak of the Mariners hit a foul ball into a fan’s beer, so the fan fanned-up and chugged it? Here’s the food version of that.

Drew Stubbs of the Cleveland Indians hit a solo homer, and a fan lost a bag of popcorn in a beautiful explosion. To be as cool as the Mariners fan, dude needs to walk around, find every piece of popcorn and eat it. Do it. Do it. (via MLB.com)

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Links

Nerd Crush Veronica Belmont Has A Surprise For Anyone Who Googles To See Her Naked |UPROXX|

Meet The Woman Responsible For Saturday Night Live’s Celebrity Host Photographs |Warming Glow|

Will Ferrell & Jack Black making a movie about grown men who play tag |Film Drunk|

Baseball Comes Back To Fenway, David Ortiz Declares Boston “Our F**king City” |With Leather|

5 Classic Disney Games That Need To Be Remade (And 5 More That Absolutely Don’t) |Gamma Squad|

Listen To Kanye West’s Unreleased Demo Tape From Circa 2001 |Smoking Section|

NFL Superheroes, final round |Kissing Suzy Kolber|

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The NCCA Tournament is down to its Final Four: Michigan, Syracuse, Louisville And Wichita State.

If you’re like me, your bracket looks … horrible. Just horrible. I thought Ohio State was going all the way, but what do I know? I also thought NC State was going to do well. What’s wrong with me?

The good news is that the folks at Chips Ahoy! are working hard to make sure I feel better about my tournament performance in two important ways: 1) by scouring college campuses across the country to find the “sweetest bracket” and creating a bunch of endearing fan videos along the way, and 2) sending With Leather a gigantic box of Chips Ahoy! cookies. So now I get to see the side of the NCAA tournament that isn’t “HERE’S A THOUSAND HD PICTURES OF A BROKEN LEG,” and everybody I know gets a free bag of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cookies. Maybe I should send a few of them to the guys at NC State.

Anyway, ChipsAhoy.TV is adorable. After the jump I included clips from the teams who are still in it (because these people are the ones you should be listening to), but they’re all pretty great, so check them out.

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Continuing in the great tradition of Carl’s Jr. and Hardee’s using very attractive celebrity women to help sell their otherwise terrifyingly high-calorie sandwiches, Carl’s will debut a new commercial later this month starring 39-year old walking Fountain of Youth, Heidi Klum. Sure, you could say that this has absolutely nothing to do with sports, but I can name two athletes named Carl – Edwards and Yastrzemski – so I’ve covered my bases.

The theme of Klum’s commercial is the classic film, The Graduate, which is awesome, because it should be every college-aged male’s dream to be seduced by a woman as amazingly attractive as Klum and afford a hamburger. And like all good commercials these days, Carl’s Jr. went behind the scenes with Klum to tell you what goes into making a 30-second spot about food. Trust me, it’s as fascinating as you think.

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Update: Kareem Abdul-Jabbar hates shit.

You wouldn’t think the guy who wore a golf sweater with Uncle Phil on ‘The Fresh Prince Of Bel-Air’ and and taught Uncle Jesse how to play basketball on ‘Full House’ would be so hyper-critical of popular culture, but the 2013 version of Kareem Abdul-Jabbar is suddenly super into telling you what he hates about stuff he sees. He hates ‘Girls.’ He thought Django Unchained was a “good B-movie.” KAREEM ONLY LIKES THE DICK VAN DYKE SHOW AND OZU, THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

The folks at ‘Conan’ have taken advantage of Kareem’s late-life blogger crisis by having him review other things, and, as you might expect from a Conan sketch that actually involves the person they’re making fun of, it’s great. Kareem reviews Silver Linings Playbook, discusses the fiber benefits of whole grain Fig Newtons and slam dunks the Mona Lisa, both figuratively and literally. It’s not him running down that kid’s dad in Airplane!, but it’s worth a watch.

Video is below.

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"Quorn chicken has milk in it? What a CRUEL HOAX."

Here’s something important you should know about me: I’m a vegan.

Some of you know that. If I mention it in passing, I’m guaranteed at least five tweets and two sternly-worded e-mails about how a brief mention of my personal dietary choices equates to full-on BLOOD PROTEST, and how I need to stop trying to cram it down the readers’ throats. If you weren’t aware, that’s probably normal, because I don’t mention it much.

I have, however, sorta ended up as “the vegan” in the Notable Comedy Sports Blogs circle of friends. Almost everyone else who writes about sports is full-on Ron Swanson 24/7, so if, say, vegan chicken wings are mentioned by a sports guy, Cosby Sweaters will talk about how their “world is imploding” and CFB Section gets comments like “go throw red paint on someone wearing a fur coat … tree huggers.” It instantly turns normal people into Jim Belushi. I’m left here to kinda meekly say “those wings aren’t bad, because they aren’t really supposed to be chicken wings” and hope nobody throws a brick at my head.

The reason I bring this all up now is because Peta has launched a Manti Te’o ad campaign, and oh my God I want to hit them in the head with a brick.

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