Kevin Garnett’s Honey Nut Cheerios And Other Athletes Re-Imagined As Breakfast Foods

Written by Ashley Burns / 01.10.13

In one of the better “Boys will be boys” stories of this early sports year, New York Knicks forward Carmelo Anthony reportedly took offense to something that Boston Celtics forward Kevin Garnett said to him during Boston’s 102-96 victory on Monday night. According to various websites, Garnett supposedly told Anthony that his wife and decision-maker, La La Vasquez-Anthony, “tasted like Honey Nut Cheerios”. Honestly, I don’t really know how that’s an insult, because it mostly just reminds me of Patrice O’Neal’s birthday cake joke (watch “Elephant in the Room” if you’re unfamiliar).

Now, if I had to guess, Garnett has never had sex with Anthony’s wife. Maybe he has, and therefore is qualified to make such a statement, but this is probably just an example of what the kids call “trash talk”. However, some people believe that this sort of trash talk crosses a line, including Anthony, who waited for Garnett by the Celtics team bus so they could settle this like men. After all, you can take the millionaire professional athlete out of Brooklyn, but you can’t take the Brooklyn out of the corporate product spokesperson.

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Manny Pacquiao Got Knocked The F Out And The Internet Is Torn Over It

Written by Ashley Burns / 12.10.12

If you joined us for the UFC on Fox 6 live discussion on Saturday, then you most likely watched the sad end of the BJ Penn era, after he was outmatched and exhausted by our favorite fighting hipster, Rory MacDonald. But some people believe that the real end of an era came later that night, when Manny Pacquiao and Juan Manual Marquez reignited their incredible rivalry for the fourth time in front of a fiery Las Vegas audience. Marquez delivered a stunning knockout blow to Pacquiao in the 6th round, securing the WBO “Champion of the Decade” belt and a barrage of “Is this the end of Manny?” headlines.

Lost in the shuffle is also a hilarious Internet uproar caused by none other than Floyd Mayweather’s No. 1 fan, Justin Bieber, as Canada’s crown prince of pop apparently made fun of Pacman on Instagram, and that didn’t sit well with the fighter’s fans. What really blows me away is that Pacquiao has a considerable amount of fans worldwide, as they flocked to Bieber’s Instagram account to defend their fallen hero. There you have it, folks – boxing’s biggest star being made fun of by this guy…

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Dana White Says What Anyone Who Has Ever Talked To Floyd Mayweather Is Thinking

Written by Brandon Stroud / 02.22.12

Dana White calls Floyd Mayweather a racistUFC president Dana White is a polarizing guy who probably doesn’t share a lot of my opinions on things (for example, I’m guessing he doesn’t weep throughout the entirety of The Land Before Time), but he’s got a way of cutting through the bullsh*t and making some astute (if not totally obvious) points about sports, including:

1. Jeremy Lin deserves at least a good amount of the praise he’s been getting, and yeah, being an Asian guy is gonna be part of that.

2. There are a large number of African-American players in the NBA getting tons of praise and press.

3. Floyd Mayweather is a hardcore racist (“prejudiced” probably works better than “racist”, but stay with me).

4. Mayweather should probably just shut up and fight Manny Pacquiao, because he’s going to make a sh*t-ton of money doing so.

It’s the cold hard truth, and weird to imagine anyone having a realistic counterpoint besides “well, uh” or “shut up”. A transcript of the piece’s denouement, courtesy of Boxing Experts Blog:

Don’t worry about what all these other guys are doing and shooting your big mouth off on Twitter. What you should worry about is getting in there and making the fight that all the boxing fans want to see. Get in there and fight Manny Pacquiao. You don’t deserve more of the purse. If ever there were a fight in history that should be split 50/50, it’s the Pacquiao-Mayweather fight. Shut up! Both of you split the money up and put on the fight that everybody, including me, wants to see.

I can’t tell you how much I’d love it if Mayweather’s response was lowering his head, shuffling his feet and mumbling, “yeah, you’re right, okay” under his breath. Unfortunately, the real response will either be completely silence or something involving jets and dogs and a wank about how many Twitter followers he has.

Maybe Floyd should just box Dana White instead.

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‘Jeremy Lin Hyped Up Because Of Race’, Says Hyped-Up Racist

Written by Brandon Stroud / 02.14.12

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Floyd Mayweather is many things, but he is not Lin-sane.

From his Twitter:

“Jeremy Lin is a good player but all the hype is because he’s Asian. Black players do what he does every night and don’t get the same praise.”

Predictably, that didn’t go over well. After a night of Twitter reacting as it does (with blind support, blind hatred and hashtagging of both “fact” and “ignorant”), Mayweather explained his point of view. He’s just supporting black athletes, you guys!

Mayweather, who will fight Puerto Rico’s Miguel Cotto in Las Vegas in May before starting a 90-day jail sentence for domestic abuse, said he was speaking up for other players in the NBA.

“Other countries get to support/cheer their athletes and everything is fine,” the 34-year-old said. “As soon as I support black American athletes, I get criticized.

“I’m speaking my mind on behalf of other NBA players. They are programmed to be politically correct and will be penalized if they speak up.”

I guess I shouldn’t expect a guy who can’t grasp “don’t punch your wife to death in front of your kids” to understand it, but supporting black athletes isn’t what makes you worthy of criticism here.

You know that thing assholes do where they complain that basketball has gotten too “thuggish”, or college coaches say they have “white boys who can shoot”? You know how what they’re saying might have some feasible root in observational truth but is rendered pointless and f**king ridiculous by how stupidly they’re saying it? That’s the problem. That’s what you’re doing here. It’s fairly observant to consider how Lin’s heritage affects the way the public or the media sees him, but a waste of time to make it about you, and an insult to players of every color to suggest that tolerance or decent human thought is “programming”.

If I were to offer you constructive criticism here — and let’s face it, you have more duffel bags filled with money than I’ll ever see, which in today’s world makes you both fulfilled and right — it would be to take a break from getting punched in the face, use some of that jets and dogs money for counseling and calm the f**k down. And delete your Twitter. And stop hitting women.

[via CNN]

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Mayweather Vs. Pacquiao Might Be Back On, For All The Wrong Reasons

Written by Brandon Stroud / 01.11.12

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Last week I referred to the long-awaited Manny Pacquiao vs. Floyd Mayweather Jr. fight as boxing’s Myth of Sisyphus, noting that anyone who would attempt to organize it would repeat forever the same meaningless task of pushing a boulder up a mountain, only to see it roll down again.

In addition to Sisyphus, it may also be boxing’s syphilis — when you first contract it you’re having a great time, but then the rash sets in and the longer you wait, the worse it gets. What I’m getting at here is that Floyd Mayweather’s mouth is a venereal disease, and calling someone out for a fight two years too late because you’re about to go to jail for punching your girlfriend in the face in front of your children is a scabby rash.

From Mayweather’s Twitter, because Don King is too old to answer the telephone:

In case you were wondering why he chose now to tweet this tweet:

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Mayweather/Pacquiao Will Never Happen And It’s Nelson Mandela’s Fault

Written by Brandon Stroud / 01.03.12

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Before Nelson Mandela became the first South African president elected in a fully representative democratic election, he was an amateur heavyweight boxer, so it makes sense that he’d follow boxing closely and have some fights organized for his birthday party. It also makes sense that Floyd Mayweather Jr. versus Manny Pacquiao is pro boxing’s Myth of Sisyphus and that anyone attempting to organize it would repeat forever the same meaningless task of pushing a boulder up a mountain, only to see it roll down again.

From TMZ.com, who had to google “Nelson Mandela” before reporting this to make sure he wasn’t Kendall Jenner’s new boyfriend:

Nelson Mandela’s daughter just lost a $7.5 million battle in court — because that’s how much a judge ordered her to pay an L.A. boxing promoter … after she allegedly flaked on a deal to organize a Pacquiao/Mayweather fight.

TMZ broke the story … a guy named Duane Moody sued Nelson’s daughter Zindziswa Mandela for $7.5 million earlier this year — claiming she hired him to organize a Pacquiao/Mayweather bout for her father’s birthday … but ultimately flaked on the deal … and the fight never materialized.

The gist is that they expected the fight to bring in $100 million and Moody was promised 15% of the cut, but Zindziswa Mandela is apparently a person on the Internet in 2011, promised something, then just tried not to mention it again in the hopes that you’d forget about it or be too socially non-confrontational to bring it up.

Moody says Mandela is “hiding in South Africa” to avoid her obligations in the U.S. Mandela’s reps say they plan to challenge the judgment. Meanwhile, Floyd Mayeather is going to jail for 90 days for using his girlfriend’s head as a speedbag and Pacquiao is off somewhere leading a dream life where he gets to unsafely hook up with Paris Hilton and record tender Dan Hill covers.

I think the message here is to be less like Nelson Mandela and more like Manny Pacquiao.

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