Very rarely am I ever proud to actually admit that I live in Florida, but on days like this I’m wearing my America’s Wang t-shirt without shame. Back in October, 357 women took to Australia’s Gold Coast to break the Guinness World Record for the longest bikini parade, and I sure commended their efforts, because who can’t appreciate 357 Australian women wearing a few inches of fabric? The women of Panama City Beach, Florida, that’s who.
To be precise, 450 Floridian women gave a big thong wedgie to those ladies Down Under on Tuesday, as they strutted their stuff along the Gulf of Mexico. And boy are they proud.
“We were able to not just break the record but smash it,” said Dan Rowe, president and CEO of the Panama City Beach Convention and Visitors Bureau, which sponsored the effort. “Everybody had a great time.”
Although clearly a celebration of fun (and exposed flesh), the event also had its serious side, raising $1,000 for Beach Care Services, a local charity that provides assistance to those in need. (Via MSNBC)
Just in case you’re wondering how serious Guinness is about this specific world record, they not only make sure that every participant walks the full one-mile parade route, but they also make sure that every girl is wearing an actual bikini. Not some one-piece or, even worse, a t-shirt.
So I guess my main point is – how do I get that job?
Forgive me for stepping outside the world of sports, but every once in a while I come across a story about my beloved home state of Florida that I can’t help but share with pride. Today’s tale involves Roger Dean Whitt, who was simply trying to do a good deed on Monday morning in the parking lot of Steak N Shake. Instead he was arrested.
And based on this report, it sounds a lot like he was profiled, if you ask me.
Whitt, 59, was wearing makeup that made him look like a masked robber when he approached the trooper at about 4 a.m. Monday outside the Merritt Island restaurant.
Whitt also had an image of a rabbit painted on his cheek.
The Merritt Island man spontaneously insisted the trooper should inspect his bag on his right arm and was charged with possessing drug paraphernalia after the trooper found the pipe, a report said.
It had marijuana residue on it, the report said.
The trooper also found “assorted makeup and other personal products normally used by females.” (Via the Orlando Sentinel)
Excuse me, but if getting a rabbit painted on my face while wearing a vest with no shirt and smoking fake weed is a crime, then I don’t want to be innocent. What has happened to my America?
Top 10: Dunks On Kendrick Perkins (A History Of Abuse) - Poor guy, you think he’d learn to get his hands up after the 4th or 5th posterization. [Real Talk NY]
Rep Yo’ City: 40 Hip-Hop Hometown Anthems - It’s true, “Cleveland Is The City”. Bedford is just the suburbs, but they have an Auto Mile. [Smoking Section]
The Movie Middle Finger Mash-Up Is Fantastic - Needs more Captain Hammer. Also, people who do the “every finger up but bent in the middle, thumb out” thing are weird. Stop doing that. [Film Drunk]
Here’s Why Dax Shepard Is With Kristen Bell And You’re Not, Bros - This is seriously adorable, and if you didn’t like Kristen Bell before, oh man. [UPROXX]
Can We Just Stop ‘Popping The Question,’ Please? - Yeah, it’s getting harder and harder to propose to one’s girlfriend thanks to the Internet. What am I supposed to do, give her a ring for a Christmas present? That’s the lamest thing in history. [UPROXX]
The Arrested Development Movie Is Really Actually Absolutely Happening For Real - And maybe if this works out, we’ll find out what happened to Henry at the end of ‘Party Down’ after all. [Film Drunk]
6 Series From Dark Horse Comics You Should Be Buying (Aside From Hellboy) - If Usagi Yojimbo can have a comic for 30 years, someone should be able to hire me to write one for Mondo Gecko. Just saying. [Gamma Squad]
How Would You Like Your Back Clawed by These TV-Themed Fingernails? - I would not! [Warming Glow]
21 More Reasons Florida Is The Craziest State - This is what happens when you decide to live on America’s penis. The whole f**king thing is like Twin Peaks. [Buzzfeed]
QUIZ: Lana Del Rey Song Or Thing We Just Made Up? - Bizarre. I wish the backlash on this lady would literally drown her and drag her into the ocean. [HuffPost Comedy]
14 Reasons To Be Excited For The ‘Avengers’ Super Bowl Trailer - Reason 15: there are only 20 super hero movies coming out in 2012, and this is one of them. [Moviefone]
The Most Controversial Super Bowl Ads of All Time - Someone should remake ’1984′ and end it with TO SEE THE REST UNCENSORED, VISIT APPLE.COM. [The FW]
A University of Michigan Student Created a ‘Walk of Shame Shuttle Service’ - I have never once made a walk of shame. I’ve done some Super Happy Early Morning Dancing Down The Sidewalk, though. [Brobible]
The Reality Television Venn Diagram - Who knew there were so many shows about cajuns and hillbillies? [High Definite]
Every time a professional sports team calls upon a city or state for tax money to help fund a new stadium, we get the same old song and dance – why should the taxpayer money help billionaires pay for new facilities that will just make them more money? And then other people fire back that the cities and counties should have to kick in cash because the venues help the economies by boosting sales for bars and restaurants, as well as hotels and strip clubs. It’s the circle of life or something like that.
Now Florida state Sen. Michael Bennett is putting his foot down (after the fact) over the $300 million in taxpayer cash that Florida has paid to help the Miami Marlins build their new stadium, despite being outdrawn in attendance by most college baseball teams. Bennett has argued that stadiums and arenas don’t do anything for the economies as they’re promised and the poor just get poorer, so it’s time to make the billionaires do their parts.
A bill to force taxpayer-funded sports stadiums to double as homeless shelters is making its way through the Florida legislature this week. The bill, introduced by Republican state Sen. Michael Bennett of Florida, seeks the enforcement of a dormant 1988 law that said sports teams that accept public dollars to build their venues must shelter indigent people on off nights.
If teams can’t prove that they’re already complying with the law, Bennett wants them to repay the more than $300 million that Floridians have forked over for facilities such as the Miami Dolphins’ Sun Life Stadium and the Miami Marlins’ new baseball stadium. (Via the Huffington Post)
Check out the big balls on Bennett. Too bad there’s probably no way that this passes, despite the fact that it’s already a law that nobody enforces. As a Florida resident of 31 years, I can say with confidence that rich people will always get what they want. However, that’s why this state is lucky to have my brain at its disposal.
It’s Time To Debunk The Myth Of The Tim Tebow Comeback - No it isn’t, Tim Tebow is God’s special little angel and he can come back from anything. [Smoking Section]
College Basketball’s Best Names 2011-12 Edition - Bak Bak is still making me laugh 20 minutes later. I want to adopt a basketball star and name him Dscheing’sga Lordloveshymm. [It's Always Sunny In Detroit]
Radio-Free FilmDrunk: Celebrating Hollywood’s Love Affair With The Cold War - A great feature from Burnsy about the glory days of film, when you could have a guy with evil Soviet eyebrows and everyone could go “oh man f**k that guy” without expectations of tolerance. I sorta miss evil Russia. [Film Drunk]
Goths Up Trees Is Necessary Because There Are So Many Goths Up So Many Trees - Also known as “guys Brandon hates and girls he’d probably try to sleep with”. Goth guys always look like someone from The Princess Bride. [UPROXX]
The Black Keys Trash Nickelback In Rolling Stone, Because Why Not, Right? - It’s weird that musicians can’t say “Nickelback is a terrible band” without sounding like the most pretentious d-bags ever. Nickelback IS terrible, just say so without dragging your cigarette and blowing smoke into your Village loft. [UPROXX]
Old Grandma Hardcore Returns to Play Skyrim - It’s like watching the most offensive, inhuman Gates Of Heaven ever. I love how she’s playing two games at once: Skyrim and “keep my own gross mouth moist”. [Gamma Squad]
ROFLMNBAO: The Best Of This Week’s NBA In Pictures - Don’t sleep on Hipster A-Rod, folks. That’s also good advice for Torrie Wilson. [With Leather]
Five TV Shows As Offensive as ‘Work It’ - ‘The Secret Diary of Desmond Pfeiffer’ always reminds me fondly of the Clerks cartoon. Also, the hilarity of slavery. [Warming Glow]
52 Examples Why Florida Is Still The Craziest State - Example 53: I worked at an Applebee’s there for like an entire year. [Buzzfeed]
12 Cute Animals To Watch In 2012 - Even more Owling than the goths in trees bit. [The FW]
TV’S 25 GREATEST MULLETS - IN ALL CAPITAL LETTERS. WHO IS THE GREATEST TELEVISION MULLET, BESIDES SEASON ONE UNCLE JESSE I MEAN. AND/OR BEAUTIFUL BOBBY EATON. BESIDES THEM. [Huffpost TV]
Sh*t White Girls Say To Black Girls - Also funny: this lady’s Nicki Minaj Christmas cards. Beware the comments on the video, though, I don’t think you can be a black person and safely use YouTube. [The High Definite]
If Star Wars Was Noir Wars - I’m guessing at least 5% of our national budget goes to funding dudes who sit around and keep trying to come up with ways to parody Star Wars. Seriously, how many more ways can you POSSIBLY parody Star Wars? It’s porn! It’s noir! What would it look like if Robert Altman directed Star Wars? Blerg! [Unreality]