UPDATE: It’s just a GD viral marketing campaign. Well, good on them. Maybe for 2010-2011 they can drown Gary Bettman in the Gulf of Mexico.
If you’ve ever followed Drew Rosenhaus on Twitter, you realize that the “information” disseminated from his account is part PR, part Franchise Mode in Madden, and nearly all rubbish. But then Rosenhaus dropped some curious news today that should dissolve any proposal to ban the renown sports agent from social media completely:
I have been hired by the fans of the NHL’s Florida Panthers to negotiate lower season ticket prices. I will keep you posted on the outcome.
The Panthers seating map indicates that the cheapest season ticket is $9 for the upper end zone. Tickets by the glass run for $207; the cheapest seat in the lower bowl is $50. Andrew’s Stars Page reports that Florida’s average ticket price last year was the league’s 11th most expensive at $52.61, pricier than Chicago ($52.22), LA ($47.20), Detroit ($46.60), and even Pittsburgh ($51.45).
I don’t see what leverage Rosenhaus can muster here. Is he going to hold 10,000-plus season ticket holders out of training camp? Will he jog through the arena on opening night 30 minutes until puck drop with a megaphone, screaming, “Pack it up, people! We’re going on strike!” I can’t see this going anywhere; as long as fans of mediocre teams are dumb enough to keep buying season tickets, ticket prices won’t be going anywhere, either.
Many times I’ve thought to myself, “Y’know, I really want to like watching hockey on TV, but there are just never enough bare tits for my liking.” And while that statement is actually true in any event, I have to give credit to the camera man and producers responsible for showing this busty Panthers fan flashing the crowd (Sorry, the clip is censored).
“Hey boss, this girl keeps rubbing her breasts real sexy. Should I cut away?” “No no, let’s wait and see what happens.” **leans forward, places chin on fist**
The Panthers’ Richard Zednik scored what turned out to be the game-winning goal by leaping over the Islanders’ Brendan Witt, then sliding the puck into the net — a series of actions that are apparently not easy to do while on ice skates. Total Pro Sports is calling it the “goal of the year,” which makes it approximately the tenth goal of the year in the year’s first 37 days.
In a related story, Richard Zednik is the same guy who just a year ago almost died on the ice after he got his THROAT SLASHED WITH A SKATE!!!! YEAHHHHHH!!!!! I mean, uh, it was a terrible accident. Glad to see him doing so well.
You can rent some Florida Panther Ice Dancers for the budget price of $100 an hour, but be warned: it’s not like “renting” those women from the ads in the Village Voice. In fact, now that I’ve seen the sexual harassment policy, I wonder what’s the point of even having them around.
Sexual harassment of any sort (by any age) will not be tolerated and will be strictly enforced. Said harassment is defined as repeated requests for sexual or inappropriate favors (including kissing), demeaning sexual inquiries and vulgarities, offensive language, or any other verbal or physical conduct of sexual or degrading nature. Photographs may be taken, but both hands of those being photographed with the girls must be in full view of the camera.
Wow. That covers pretty much everything. All that’s really left is to leer from a safe distance away. Which is probably why that kid has binoculars.
Yesterday, we joined voices and became a single Arien Nation in support of Arien O’Connell, the fastest runner at Nike’s Women’s Marathon who was denied victory because she didn’t declare herself “elite.” Nike then:
“At this point,” Nike media relations manager Tanya Lopez said Monday, “we’ve declared our winner.”
Nike now:
Nike recognizes Arien O’Connell as a winner in last weekend’s Nike Women’s Marathon completing the full race in 2:55:11… Arien will receive the same recognition and prize, including a Tiffany & Co. trophy, the full marathon elite group winner received…
Learning from the unique experience in this year’s race, Nike has decided today to eliminate the elite running group from future Nike Women’s Marathons. Next year, all runners will run in the same group and all will be eligible to win.
And all because of our righteous indignation at Nike for sucking. Well, not really “our.” That credit goes to Half-Fast and the weirdos who care about running. I was really just in it to be part of the pissed-off mob. I hardly ever get to use my pitchfork these days.
Arien O’Connell finished the Nike Women’s Marathon in San Francisco with a personal best time of 2:55:11, nine minutes faster than the next fastest runner. She did not, however, win the race.
Because O’Connell didn’t register as an “elite” runner, she started the race twenty minutes behind the rabbits, and her speedy time went unnoticed by race officials. When O’Connell notified them of their mistake, she was politely told to have sex wih herself.
No one seemed exactly sure what to do. The trophies had already been handed out and the official results announced. Now organizers seem to be hoping it will all go away. “At this point,” Nike media relations manager Tanya Lopez said Monday, “we’ve declared our winner.”
O’Connell said some race officials actually implied she’d messed up the seeding by not declaring herself an “elite” runner. “If you’re feeling like you’re going to be a leader,” race producer Dan Hirsch said Monday, “you should be in the elite pack.”
Yes, runners should know in advance whether they’re going to have the race of their lives and how fast everyone else will be. That makes much more sense than, say, grouping people together by a specific qualifying time. Let’s not stand for this, America! Let’s unite and have our voices heard! No one can stand in the way of Arien Nation!
…maybe I should find a different name for the movement?
[Story via Half-Fast, photo by Lacy Atkins for the Chronicle]
