Phillies outfielder Shane Victorino was ejected from yesterday’s game against Florida for arguing balls and strikes with home-plate umpire Ed Rapuano. Which really isn’t that big a deal–until one considers that Victorino was 350 feet away from the plate, playing center field.

Victorino threw his arms up after a pitch by Rodrigo Lopez to Florida’s Wes Helms was called a ball. Home plate umpire Ed Rapuano promptly tossed him. Victorino ran in from center, but was restrained by teammates. via.

None of the highlight packages I’ve seen have shown the pitch in question [except this one, which we screen-capped above], so it must have been a truly piss-poor call. That said, the rules about arguing balls and strikes are quite clear, unlike the rules of love and war, which seem to be much more lenient. And more expensive, when you think about it. Also notable about this game (which the Marlins won handily) was that it might be the last start for Jamie Moyer, who was the only player to pitch for 10 years or more in the bigs and serve in the Revolutionary War. It’s funny because he’s old, see.

The world is coming to an end. Up is down, vegans are eating bacon, and plastic bags are raising your children better than you ever could. And the Washington Nationals can’t stop winning baseball games.

Powered by back-to-back home runs from Ryan Zimmerman and Adam Dunn, the Nats hung on to win against the Florida Marlins last night, 5-4. It’s the fourth straight win for the Nats, and their eighth win in their last 12 games. Seriously, guys. This isn’t funny anymore. How am I supposed to get excited about a team that’s actually winning?

“I think, from the very beginning, their offensive weapons are up there with everybody in the league, with Josh Willingham, Dunn, Guzman and Zimmerman — and all those guys,” said Marlins manager Fredi Gonzalez. “They are a very dangerous offensive team, but I thought they made an improvement pitching-wise.” via.

I’ve said for some time that the middle of Washington’s lineup is as good as any in baseball, but it’s their horrible bullpen that puts them in so many close games, games that they now seem to be winning, and not just against scrubs; Florida’s in a freaking pennant race in the East, but they’re looking at getting swept this afternoon in DC. And you thought the Nats were swimming upstream, or maybe you weren’t because you just don’t care. Fine, then.

As for tonight: John Smoltz fans can get ready for another disappointing outing. The 42-year-old righthander faces Joba Chamberlain tonight in what will almost certainly have the Lubriderm and Kleenex flowing in ample supply in Bristol tonight. And I’ve about had it with Joba the Hutt anyway; sure, he’s having a good season, but would anybody be talking about this guy if he wasn’t playing for the Yankees?

UPDATE: Some of the parties involved apparently have been emailing Deadspin. And of course, somebody had to bring cancer into it…

I take back everything bad I ever said about Florida Marlins. Because when Yankee fan gets in the face of Marlin fan, Marlin fan tells Yankee fan to take his 26 World Series titles and cram ‘em with walnuts, ugly. [*pays ten cents to flubby*]. The best part is Yankee fan explaining to his daughter that violence is just part of the day at the ballpark. As if we needed another reason to just stay home and watch the games on TV. Thanks, Music Elitist, for the heads-up.

ASYLUM POLL: Do you enjoy a pitchers’ duel?
This might sound arrogant, misguided, or just silly, but I typically judge the quality of one’s fandom by how that fan answers one predominant question–Can you enjoy low-scoring games? If you thought the first three quarters of Super Bowl XLII were boring, then I’d generalize you as somebody that doesn’t appreciate the nuance of sport. Hey, it’s nothing personal.

Some people can go to games and cheer whenever the scoreboard tells them to and have a good time. And that’s fine–we need those people. And that brings me to yesterday’s pitchers’ duel between the Mets’ Johan Santana and Florida’s Josh Johnson. Johnson had a no-hitter going through six innings and finished the game. From Yahoo! Sports:

Johnson persevered through a shaky finish to close out a five-hitter Sunday, and the Florida Marlins scored two unearned runs to hand Johan Santana his first loss since June 28 by beating the Mets 2-1.

“I said before the game I was going to go eight or nine innings,” Johnson said. “I finished what I started out to do. That’s huge for me.”

While Johnson pitched his second complete game in 45 career starts, Santana was just as good, allowing only three hits in seven innings and striking out 13. But left fielder Daniel Murphy dropped a fly ball in the second inning for an error that led to both Florida runs.

Baseball, like any other business, enjoys more success when its casual consumers show up and are entertained, and that doesn’t always happen in games like this. That doesn’t make them boring. Having sex with your mother? That’s boring. And by the way, could you tell her to stop calling me?

Uncoached has unearthed one of the few redeeming features of baseball season: the Marlin Mermaids. If any baseball team needs its own quasi-cheerleading squad, it’s the Marlins, whose odd locale and punishing heat contribute to their perenially horrendous attendance. I don’t know if it’s enough to get me to watch baseball, but it’s enough to get The President a little extra work in the bullpen.

“The bullpen” is my nickname for my special masturbating place, in case that was unclear.

Somebody once made the point that if a city has more plentiful options for entertainment, said city becomes less of a “sports town.” That makes sense to me, but it still doesn’t explain how the Florida Marlins can’t get more than 600 people to watch them play. From USA Today’s Game On:

According to unofficial counts by the Miami Herald and the South Florida Sun-Sentinel, fewer than 600 seats were occupied. Official attendance was announced at 11,211.

But the telling quote came from Marlins reliever Joe Nelson. He told the Sun-Sentinel that, as he left the field after the final out of the 5-3 Florida victory, he wanted to toss the game ball to a young fan.

“I actually had to look for one,” Nelson said.

This is the portion of the post where we would mention that people in Miami are too engorged in hot Latin sex and exotic drugs to get out to the ballpark. But seriously, you’d think with all the Cubans floating into Florida in bathtubs and homemade rafts that some of them would take time out of their immigration-dodging schedule to go see a game. Okay, maybe that comment wasn’t so serious.