We’ve got a big weekend ahead of us, boys and one girl who reads this site, and while I unfortunately can’t highlight everything, I can help you pick out what will be worth your while. And yes, that’s my way of saying that I will shortly be telling you what time the Oregon game will be on tomorrow so you can sit in your favorite recliner with a pizza box on your lap.

Women’s Volleyball: Florida State at Miami – 7:30 PM ET on ESPNU

I know, it’s not football, but for those of you who follow me on Twitter – at least through the Olympics – you know how much work I do to raise awareness for #volleyballbutts. It’s a very serious issue in this country. Don’t believe me? See for yourself…

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As I most often point out as to avoid being called a hack – my feelings get hurt easy, y’all – I do not profess to be a sports expert, like ol’ Dick Vitale up there. I’m simply a guy who has a big TV and 12 web browser windows open at all times to follow multiple games until smoke starts to spray out of my ears. And watching all of those games, I develop opinions that I like to share with all of you. I believe that Mufasa or Pumba called it the “Circle of Life.”

So my point is that there are people out there who might be flipping through channels tonight, and they’ll be all like, “Hey, these guys are playing basketball, but I don’t know a thing about them.” Even worse, you could be a dude on a date with a hot girl and she’ll be like, “Why don’t we go back to your place and watch NCAA Tournament basketball and maybe I’ll take my shirt off if you know a lot about the games.” But you’re all like, “Snap, I haven’t watched anything.”

That’s why I created this handy-dandy guide to enjoying the Sweet 16, and to keep with the time-honored tradition of UPROXX live-blogging, I’ll be hanging out tonight to chat and make jokes about things that I notice. I invite you to join me, mainly because it’s fun, but also because I’ll be giving out free shirts at random to people who tell me why I’m wrong.

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With Brandon out gallivanting around Austin for SXSW, living the rock star life, and me back here at home watching the baby, I realized that I forgot to do a ROFLMNBAO post last week, and for that I can’t apologize enough. But I also figured that we could take a breather from Dwight Howard’s flip-flopping, Chris Bosh’s squawking, Blake Griffin’s air balling and Derrick Rose’s back injuring and celebrate some of the stars of the weekend’s NCAA Tournament action for this week’s edition.

After all, there were some great games that none of us expected as the Sweet 16 field presented itself. And to tie the NBA and NCAA ends together, I got to wondering what would have happened if Florida Gators coach Billy Donovan would have taken the Orlando Magic head coach position a few years ago, instead of backing out and returning to UF. And I don’t imaging it would be much different, as Otis Smith would have still traded for the worst contract in basketball and I’d still have the liver of a 63-year old.

On with the celebration and mockery of America’s student-athletes!

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For far too long, actress Ashley Judd has been the face of University of Kentucky men’s basketball fanfare, as the UK alum is often seen celebrating courtside or cheering with the student body during big games at Rupp Arena. But as nice as it is to see the younger and presumably adopted sister of Wynonna Judd get all the attention, it would still be refreshing to occasionally see some other fans share the spotlight for the Wildcats. Maybe like this girl or these girls. I’m not picky.

Despite being the clear favorites to win the SEC Tournament this weekend, the Wildcats sputtered and slipped, barely beating the Florida Gators 74-71 on Saturday and ultimately falling to the Vanderbilt Commodores 71-64. This result was clearly upsetting for a diehard UK fan like Judd, but in the aftermath of disappointment, the spotlight is finally moving.

After the jump, grab your Kleenex and open your heart to the new faces of Kentucky basketball.

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I’ve often joked that the Florida Gators and their fans were the nouveau riche of college football, having a long history of being the distant 3rd in Florida’s “Big 3″ until only recently coming into success and fame. And the joke grew funnier to me when Urban Meyer arrived and so many Gators fans acted like Steve Spurrier – the reason that they had any national pride at all – never existed. But I’m not putting all Gators fans under that giant umbrella, especially when a true fan like Jen Wiley exists.

Both huge Gators fans, Jen and her husband were married in 1996 and they had their first child, a bouncing baby boy, back in 2006. Because those years are so important to the University of Florida football program and its fans, they decided to honor their favorite team by naming their child Spurrier Urban Wiley. Call me a dick, but I kind of hope he goes to FSU.

“My husband and I got married in 1996, when Spurrier won the championships,” she said, “and then we conceived in 2006 when Urban Meyer won the championship.”

It was a seemingly perfect fit for these Florida fanatics, until now. So mom’s ready for a change.

“I want to change his middle name,” she said.

(Via Bay News 9)

And what does she want to change his middle name to? Tim. As in Tim Tebow, our holy reptilian quarterback. It’s worth pointing out that this woman is from Florida but the child was born in Ohio. That’s like the ultimate double whammy.

What I really enjoy about the article, though, is that the husband’s name is never mentioned, almost as if he didn’t want this story about his child’s ridiculous name being told in the first place. But the real victim in this is poor Billy Donovan. Won’t some insane, overzealous fan name her child after the Gators’ national champion basketball coach? Maybe one day, Billy. Maybe one day.

(Hat tip to Kegs and Eggs.)

Remember when we cared so much about the Ohio State White Elephant Gift Exchange Scandal that tattoo parlor operators were being sent to jail and players were getting suspended by the NFL for things they might’ve done in college? Well, Penn State happened and caused 90% of non-sports America to forget OSU is even a school, so the Buckeyes are free to go about the business of organizing a football team and making news … and today’s news is big, suggesting that former Florida head football coach Urban Meyer is set to take over the program with a a seven-year, $40 million deal.

Of course, I’m using “news” loosely for two major reasons. Reason #1:

“The concerns are still there,” Meyer told The Sun. “No. 1 — my health. No. 2 — my family. No. 3 — the state of college football. I’ve done some research into the second one. I’ve found that it is possible to have balance between your job and your family, that there are coaches out there who are doing it.

“I’m in a good place right now mentally and physically. So if something happens with Ohio State, I’ll have a decision to make. But there has been no interview. There has been no offer to make a decision about.”

That’s normal though, right? People are always denying deals and relationships and showing up the next night arm-in-arm with some 40-million-dollar thing. And technically what he’s saying could still be true. Why would you need to interview a guy like Urban Meyer? You know his history, you know what he can do. And he said “there has been no offer to make a decision about”, not “there has been no offer”, so maybe the choice was obvious. Urban Meyer is coming to Ohio!

Except, no. Reason #2: David Pingalore is the sports director of the Orlando television station that broke the story on Tuesday night, and under “football” and “television” on his Facebook info page he lists “reporting bullsh*t with no verification” as a like. Last year, our own Burnsy had fun with him in response to hilarious community douchebaggery by “leaking” a story to someone Ping knows about how the University of Central Florida was going to be invited to join the Big East. Like clockwork, Ping heard about it reported it on TV as breaking news from his “inside sources”. It went as far as ESPN. The next day it was gloriously shot down.

So that’s Urban Meyer saying “no, I’m not going to Ohio State” and a disreputable source breaking the story. Do we need a day and a half’s worth of speculation on ESPN? Let’s source this when it actually gets sourced, and at least attempt to do our impossibly unprofessional job professionally.

In a related story, here is a slideshow of girls in bikinis.