Last week, as the myth of the 2013 NCAA Tournament Cinderella grew beyond their redneckian beach town of Ft. Myers, the No. 15 seed Florida Gulf Coast Eagles were gifted with their new nickname, Dunk City, and their very own rap anthem. And while I’d thought that I would never, not in a million academic school years, hear anything as wonderful at Chet Haze’s “White and Purple” anthem for Northwestern football, FGCU MC Black Magic showed up and made Chet look like Colin Hanks.

Set to the beat of Tyga’s “Rack City”, Black Magic and his female counterpart, Bambi, delivered a “Dunk City” rap song that racked up around a half million views in less than a week. But apparently it was missing something, because Mr. Magic and Bambi are back today with “Dunk City 2” and this time they brought Eagles star and one-time bench scrub Sherwood Brown with them.

They also brought a bunch of students and some new rhymes, so I thought we could break down the finer points of “Dunk City 2” today.

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He's gonna fill Jay Leno's shoes just fine.

Part of the charm of the mostly unknown Florida Gulf Coast University Eagles becoming the first No. 15 seed to ever advance to the Sweet 16 in the NCAA Tournament is that these kids just don’t give a f*ck. They’ve been largely celebrated – and occasionally lambasted – for their overzealous celebrations, and the truth is that these kids deserve to be excited and dance around like a-holes, because they’re the only people who ever thought they could get to this point.

Now, as the people of Ft. Myers and surrounding communities have rallied around the Eagles, and the rest of the nation encourages them to keep winning through SportsNation polls, the Eagles are sadly finally apologizing for one aspect of their celebration. Well, at least FGCU’s student government is apologizing after a “F*ck the Gators” chant broke out a recent pep rally.

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Every year, some poor, lazy, bored journalist’s soul dies a little more as its hands slap feverishly at a keyboard to produce several hundred words and a Mad Lib title like: “Could the (successful NCAA football or basketball team) defeat the (down-on-its-luck NFL or NBA franchise?” For the football argument, people asked, “Could the Alabama Crimson Tide defeat the Kansas City Chiefs?” and now for the basketball argument, the Orlando Sentinel’s Mike Bianchi is asking, “Could Gators beat Magic?”

If anything, he’s succinct. My good buddy Mikey is a classic pot-stirrer, which of course means that he feasts daily on several helpings of Internet vitriol. But to answer his question – No, the Florida Gators would not beat the Orlando Magic. Absolutely not. Shut up. Stop asking this question. Thank you.

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After spending the better part of the last 48 hours on my couch playing Final Fantasy III on my iPad and watching college football, I’m ready to get back to my daily grind of slouching in my office desk while watching movies on my iPad. But there is still some couch time left, with the Allstate Sugar Bowl (RIP Nokia) tonight, and those other games on whatever other nights they’re on.

So first up, we’ve got the Florida Gators and… Tennessee?

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This horrifying, screaming fat guy in orange face paint singing on YouTube because he lost a college football bet thanks God because he doesn’t own the rights to Cyndi Lauper’s ‘Girls Just Want To Have Fun’. Vols fans always pay their bets! THANKS VOOOOLLLLSSS. (via Speleb)

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Saturday’s college football action presumably left very few people wanting more, because I can’t remember a day that was filled with so many exciting games and delightful upsets. For starters, I assume that everyone was on the edge of their seats for the incredible UCF win over FIU, because I was at that game, which immediately made it the most star-studded game in college football history. And I yelled things at Mario Cristobal, because he’s a moron who should have taken the Rutgers job and I guarantee you that he’s kicking himself every morning over his decision to turn that job down because he was allegedly insulted at the Scarlet Knights’ lowball offer. But I digress.

My favorite game of the day was the Florida Gators 37-20 victory over the Tennessee Volunteers, which leads us to this new feature – “Faces of Misery”. Now, before the hate mail and mean comments start pouring in, please know that I have nothing against Tennessee. Well, that’s not entirely true. I do hold a grudge against the Volunteers because they gave Lane Kiffin money to be a head coach, even though he has never done anything to deserve it, unless you count being conceived by a great NFL defensive coordinator. I hate Kiffin a lot, so this is worth noting. In fact, if USC had lost at home, we’d be having a completely different kind of conversation right now.

But I say this was my favorite game, because it provided us with a ton of great Faces of Misery, and as a fan of a perpetually underachieving college football team, I’ve made plenty of miserable faces myself. I also don’t like basking in a Gators victory, but it’s a jorts world and I’m just living in it. So enjoy the misery of Tennessee fans this week, and feel free to suggest upcoming games that you’d like to see us make fun of, because I plan on doing this as much as possible, because laughing at other people’s misfortunes is what makes America so great.

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