Meet Sporting Kansas City’s Jimmy Nielsen. He’s lying on the ground because a soccer ball touched him. In soccer. The sport where he’s a goalkeeper. The guy who stands in front of soccer balls and lets them hit him.

Juninho of the New York Red Bulls decided for whatever reason to kick a dead ball at Nielsen. It hit Jimmy in the chest, so of course he went totally limp, collapsed to the ground and pretended it hit him in the face. Maybe stopping a soccer ball is a “nails on a chalkboard” thing, or smelling your own farts. When you’re in control of it, it’s fine. When somebody else does it, it’s the end of the world, and all you can do is lie motionless until everyone involved has been removed.

Soccer, everybody. Video is after the jump.

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Everybody loves a good flop, be they a soccer guy collapsing to the field like he’s been picked off by a sniper or an NBA player trying to convince us that Manu Ginobli is strong enough to knock somebody down.

The mighty KALUNGA has taken flopping to a new, extreme level by adding motorcycles, then lying down in front of them.

Marlinton dos Reis Teixeira, known by his nickname ‘Kalunga’, slid on a corner in rainy conditions during the Rio Grande do Sul State Moto Grand Prix in Brazil, causing his bike to stall.

Kalunga failed to get his bike to start and was losing valuable time. He then walked to the middle of the track and threw himself on the ground pretending to be badly injured in an attempt to get the race red-flagged.

The best part is that the other guys on motorcycles didn’t have our point of view, so they think he’s actually hurt and stop to help. Kalunga gets stretchered away for boneitis or whatever, and eventually the MotoRacing Association of Rio Grande do Sul State watches tape and bans him from the championship forever. Now he doesn’t get to compete, but hey, at least he’s got a swell five-minute clip of him emulating The Program in a Brazilian motorbike race and being dragged away like a gimpy horse. Good decisions, bro!

Kalunga, I don’t know what you’re gonna do with your life now, but if you’re reading this, I have a suggestion: surfing. Learn how to do a dead man’s float.

In case you need another reason to miss hockey, here’s the worst of soccer dives. I know it’s a little melodramatic, but how about stringent lifetime bans for anyone who gets caught flopping in ANY sport, followed by them having to wear signs around their necks reading I RUINED THE INTEGRITY OF SPORTS for the rest of their lives? Also, attack them with hammers for real. (via talkSPORT)

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Links

Seven Things About Seven Psychopaths You’re Going to Love |Film Drunk|

The Internet Reacts To The Paul Ryan Workout Photos |UPROXX|

The 10 Greatest Jerkasses in Television Sitcom History |Warming Glow|

Sports On TV: Glee’s 20 Greatest Sports Moments |With Leather|

First Look At Viper And The Silver Samurai On The Set Of ‘The Wolverine’ |Gamma Squad|

RZA & The Black Keys – “The Baddest Man Alive” |Smoking Section|

Presenting The All-Hype Glory Boy Team |Kissing Suzy Kolber|

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Soccer dives are the worst, and Luis Suarez of Liverpool is the worst AT them. Here, Taiwan’s Next Media Animation accuses him of watching Bambi for helplessness research and runs a steamroller over him. Seems reasonable. (via NMA)

- Follow us on Twitter @withleather
- Follow me personally @MrBrandonStroud and Burnsy @MayorBurnsy
- Like us on Facebook.

Links

Mila Kunis Is Not A Fan Of The Internet |UPROXX|

David Cross And Amber Tamblyn Had The Most Charmingly Perfect Wedding Ever |Warming Glow|

The Looper Timeline Infographic |Film Drunk|

Here’s A Painting Of Larry Bird And Skeletor |With Leather|

Ms. Marvel May Be In ‘The Avengers 2′. Here’s Who May Be Playing Her |Gamma Squad|

10 Great Soundtracks From Terrible Movies |Smoking Section|

Dan Shaughnessy Isn’t Even Good At Trolling |Kissing Suzy Kolber|

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Worst Kama Sutra page ever.

Last night’s Western Conference Finals Game 1 between the San Antonio Spurs and the Oklahoma City Thunder was everything that we’ve expected this series to offer us ever since we all predicted that the Top 2 seeds would be playing each other. The Spurs took the first game 101-98, although it wasn’t actually that close, as James Harden made a 3-pointer with one second left in the game that either made a ton of gamblers happy or the complete opposite. But the one thing that every NBA fan expected from this series was no-nonsense intensity and all heart basketball, because these are arguably the two most exciting teams in the NBA. At one point, I think Tim Duncan even nodded his head after someone made a shot. It’s that exciting.

That’s why it was pretty disappointing that in an otherwise entertaining and intense game, Spurs guard Manu Ginobili and Harden reminded everyone how much flopping sucks. In the 4th quarter, with the Spurs clinging to a one-point lead, Ginobili and Harden collided as the former was seemingly attempting a shot and they both flopped. Simply amazing.

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Welcome to my day-late weekly predictions that will astound and amaze you, because they’re so incredibly tuned into to a psychic frequency that nobody else on this planet could come up with them. Since I started making predictions a few weeks ago, I’ve been right about everything. Even the stuff that might have been wrong was technically right, because I say it was. It’s not really hard being a psychic.

This week, we take a look into the crystal ball to see if David Stern really will stick to his guns and stop the L.A. Clippers from flopping, Matt Leinart can turn Carson Palmer into the perfect QB and if anyone would ever believe that Phil Jackson would even remotely entertain the idea of coaching a team as dysfunctional and broken as the Orlando Magic. SIM SIM SALABIM!

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