So this was pretty inevitable. After all, there’s nothing more petty and absurd than the jealousies of in-state college athletics. With Florida Gulf Coast University and Dunk City stealing all of the thunder of the state’s second and third tier basketball programs by becoming the first ever 15 seed to advance to the Sweet 16 at the NCAA Tournament, schools like Florida International University have to work a lot harder to get our attention, so naturally the first step was, “HEY EVERYONE! LOOK AT OUR NEW COURT!”

As you can see above, FIU wants to remind everyone that the Golden Panthers play in Miami. That’s where the real beaches are, not at stupid FGCU, where the students pretend that a giant lake is their beach. Just how beachy is Miami? The Panthers have a beach on their new basketball court. But it doesn’t stop there, bottle poppers. No sir, FIU wants to give you the full Miami red carpet, velvet rope experience, so they’re adding some very special courtside seats.

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Miami Herald FIU football writer David J. Neal posted a rather humorous common sense piece over the weekend regarding two young, naïve Panthers Tweeting about how they took a recruit to a strip club during his visit. Though his Twitter account has since vanished, the Tweets in question originated from sophomore DB Demarkus Perkins, or at least that’s what the handle @DPerk_15 would lead me to believe, despite him wearing No. 14. Kids these days and their crazy Tweeter names.

Basically, Perkins just laid it all out there…

And then he incriminated his teammate Isame Faciane, or @ICEem_down, by talking about something called a “snow bunnie” and I would very much like to know what that is.

Perhaps I can go undercover as a football recruit – my natural physique would suggest third-string place holder – and get these men to take me to a strip club. Alas, that is another stakeout for another day. In the meantime, Neal’s takedown of this inexplicable violation of the NCAA football bro code – “Thou shalt not commit infractions, but if you do, thou shalt not Tweeteth about it” – makes a lot of sense, as he believes that players shouldn’t be this dumb anymore. He also uses the phrase “Twerk Twins” and I would like to know which strip club he has been going to.

Unfortunately, I do not ultimately agree with Mr. Neal’s stance, because we want college football players taking recruits to strip clubs. We NEED them taking recruits to strip clubs. And it’s about time that we truly glorify this act.

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Florida International is having a tough season for sports. First there was the epic brawl with Miami (which brought us blogosphere giant Ned, of course). More recently, the basketball team had a series of flights delayed by bad weather that culminated in their luggage getting lost. They played their game against Wisconsin in uniforms and shoes that the hosts provided them.

That's a generous bit of sportsmanship, but take it from me: this is not a good tactic when you go out on a date. I showed up to a woman's house without any pants, and let's just say it didn't go too well. "C'mon, can't I just get in yours?" No sense of humor, those women. I never should have registered as a sex offender.

FIU coach Sergio Rouco kept it in perspective after the game (which FIU lost): 

"I have a bunch of kids from different countries that come from hard situations… Being at an airport 18 hours, for them is not a hard situation. So let's not make it dramatic. Dramatic is when you don't have any money to eat."

Somehow I don't think the players got much sympathy after the game. 

Dry-minded academics have suspended 31 players involved in Saturday's massive FIU-Miami brawl, and most people with consciences are condemning the players for their Haynesworthian/ Marcus-Vickian actions. Fortunately, I don't have a conscience, so I can say that it was AWESOME. 

HOLY FUCK.