With so much global attention being focused on the promotion of both healthy bodies and body image acceptance, it’s sometimes nice to see stories about people who have taken up weight loss challenges and followed through. But it’s even nicer when those stories involve animals, because animals are cute and people tend to suck. In this case, two pets from Bradford, West Yorkshire, England were pitted against each other in an adorable weight loss contest, and the big winner was the above cat, Fifi Bottomley.

When she was entered into the contest, Fifi weighed more than 20 pounds. Six months later, she now weighs 16-pounds, which some people might call the purrfect weight. *punches self in balls, coughs up hairball*

Fifi’s owner Monica Bottomley said: “Fifi is so much more active now and it’s clear she’s happier. PDSA’s advice was vital in helping Fifi to lose her extra weight; I really couldn’t have done it without them. My advice to other owners in a similar position is simple – don’t keep putting it off. Get proper advice and stick to it – it’s worth the effort for your pet’s wellbeing. If you love your pet, don’t keep delaying.” (Via The Telegraph and Argus)

Also, if you love your pet, don’t overfeed it and let it get morbidly obese. Maybe try that first before you spend a bunch of money on pet fitness programs. But that’s just me and my whack job theories.

The real issue at hand here is that Fifi’s opponent was Deco, a Labrador retriever. Indeed, that means that a cat has defeated a dog. This is a very troubling blow to my ongoing life thesis work that will ultimately prove that dogs are better than cats. This is a huge counterattack to that theory and now I’m scared that my work may ultimately be in vain. How scared am I? This scared…

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This f**king guy.

An Egyptian-born bodybuilder has just had his 31 inch biceps crowned the biggest in the world.

Moustafa Ismail, 24, has spent ten years pumping iron twice a day and his upper arms now have the same circumference as a grown man’s waist.

But despite his cartoon proportions he hates spinach. (via The Daily Mail UK)

Nice reporting, everybody.

So Moustafa Ismail has spent ten years pumping iron twice a day, and at no point during those 3,650-ish days did anybody go, “hey Moustafa, you should probably work out other parts of your body, you look like a couch potato with fat lady arms. No, the backwards cap doesn’t help”. Seriously, how does this guy pose for muscle photos with a straight face? His biceps have “the same circumference as a grown man’s waist”, right? What’s the talking point for his forearms? Here’s a picture of him holding up a model with his “super strength” (because lifting a 100 pound lady requires THE WORLD’S LARGEST BICEPS), and look, his forearms and hers are EXACTLY THE SAME:

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I don’t know much about the Russian city of Vladivostok other than it is the largest Russian port on the Pacific Ocean, and I only know that because I found this cool site that has a ton of information on anything you can think of. I’m not going to tell you the name of the site, though, because it’s my little secret. But apparently my ignorance of Vladivostok and Russian culture has kept me blind to what I am now calling the most important competition of the year.

The 2012 Vladivostok Bikini Fitness Open took place just a few weeks ago, and while I am upset that I didn’t get to this in a more timely manner, the website English Russia (simple yet effective, comrades) raises the all important point that the Open “for some unknown reason has not been widely covered by media…” Well, English Russia, I am here to answer your call, much like our two countries worked together to defeat the enemy in Iron Eagle 2. RIP Doug Masters.

And I not only second this statement, but I will slam my fist on my desk in outrage as I scroll through the photos of the hard-working, dedicated women who participated in this *clears throat* fitness competition. They deserve to be known and appreciated for their *clears throat* ambition, damn it.

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As someone who is naturally chiseled and often compared to most Greek gods (not like you, Fatasseus), I understand how seriously some people are about a proper fitness regimen. Staying in shape is not an easy task, so when it comes to hiring an assistant, it’s important to find someone who can not only complement your style and intensity, but also stay out of your way and let you work your magic. For instance, a gentleman in Vancouver recently posted an ad on Craigslist announcing his desire to find the perfect fitness assistant for his needs, and he held nothing back. No pain, no gain, ladies.

Admittedly, I just assumed the typical Vancouver workout consisted of throwing trash cans through store windows, but according to this ad after the jump, there’s so much more to it.

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More from the world of athletic BANG! BANG BANG! ads: Here’s an TV spot for the health center chain BANG! BANG! Planet Fitness, and it’s pretty obvious that BANG BANG! POW! A large gentleman like that would strike fear into the hearts of everyone except those people running the signup clipboards at health centers. BANG! POW! BANG BANG! This guy has an email address? BANG! POW! BANG! Read the rest of this entry »

I’m getting sick of my PlayStation 2, but I haven’t been able to choose between getting a Wii or an Xbox 360. But now I think I’m going with the 360 since the Wii seems to have a prediliction toward KILLING WHITE PEOPLE!

Labourer Tim Eves had been jogging on the spot as he used the machine in his home.[...]

The tragedy happened the day he got home to Hopton-on-Sea, Norfolk, after visiting parents Alan and June in Portugal to celebrate his mum’s 50th birthday. It is believed he might have been a victim of Sudden Adult Death Syndrome.

June said: “We spoke to him on the phone when he was playing the Wii. He told us he had just ordered himself a kebab and was sitting there with a glass of port. A little while after he collapsed.”

Actually, I might be leaning toward the Wii now. I know most games span across all platforms now, but I’ve looked online and I can’t find Sudden Adult Death Syndrome for 360 anyplace. I bet it’s just like Call of Duty, but with more kebobs. Cheerio!

|The Sun|