Honestly, I think fishing is one of the dumbest things ever. Sorry, but I can’t do anything slower than playing golf or helping out autistic kids down at the learning center. Sure, I make it look like I’m the one helping them, but where else am I gonna get free crayons? I got stuck with one of those 64-packs, and I can’t tell the difference between brown and burnt siena without HOLY CRAP DID THAT 5-YEAR-OLD GIRL JUST PULL THAT FISH OUT OF A STREAM WITH HER BARE HANDS?! FIRE UP THE SKILLET, MABEL! WE EATIN’ GUUD TONIGHT! YEE HAW!
Greg Robertson, an Australian diver spear-fishing off the continent’s southern coast, landed an unexpectedly large catch — himself! (How did I do? I’m practicing writing ledes for UK tabloids.) No, but seriously, he shot a two-meter spear directly into his groin.
[T]he 25 year old was pushed onto the speargun, which had been washed out of his hands by a wave. The two metre long spear pierced his inside upper thigh, just millimetres from his genitals and femoral artery, and lodged several centimetres under the skin…
“The spear’s barbed on the end, so it’s locked in there. He got up and said ‘It’s in me, it’s in me!” [a witness said.]
That’s what she said! Hey, I got a two-meter spear gun for your groin right here! At least, uh, I think I do. I’m not so good at metric conversion. Inches and meters are about the same, right?
Presenting the best thing you’ll see all day: the Wunder Boner. Minus boobs, it’s got everything you could ever want in a televised ad: a sweet ’stache and mullet combo. Fish guts. The word “boner.” I especially like the part where the fat loser looks at the Wunder Boner and says, “My wife would like that.” I bet she would, pal. I bet she would.
Pictured here is David Hayes, the North Carolina man who caught a record-setting 21-pound channel catfish with his granddaughter's Barbie fishing pole, a two-foot-long pink rod, which also happens to be how that girl described my penis to police.
When 3-year-old Alyssa went to take a bathroom break, Hayes was left in charge. And that's when General Sherman struck. After an epic battle, the state Wildlife Commission was called in to verify the record.
[Biologist Kin] Hodges' professional opinion of the fish: "It was just a pig." At 32 inches long and 22½ inches around, it was longer and nearly bigger around than the length of the rod that caught it.
"He thought it was funny more than anything," Hodges said. "He was just amazed at the size of the fish he caught on that little kiddie rod. If you would have told anybody that you could catch a fish like that on this rod, they'd have laughed at you."
I can't wait to email this story to my parents. See, Dad? There's nothing wrong with a grown man playing with Barbies. Maybe he'll speak to me at Thanksgiving this year!
(photo: N.C. Wildlife Resources Commission; also see: Lion in Oil)
UPDATE: Photo changed. With Leather sincerely apologizes to Tom Thomson, the photographer who took the picture that you no longer see.
A Canadian woman is recovering in the hospital after her chance encounter with former Seahawks super-bust Brian Bosworth. But don't worry, as with his playing days in the NFL, the Boz wasn't the cause of bodily harm. Bosworth was driving to the Winnipeg airport after a completing a fishing trip when he saw emergency personnel surrounding a small SUV that had rolled several times, trapping the woman inside.
The paramedics had to use the jaws of life to get the woman out. Bosworth said they dismantled the vehicle completely. He was asked to take a piece of equipment down to the paramedics and once he got down to the victim, he said it was clear they needed more manpower.
"She was in shock and in pain and we couldn't really move her. Her legs were pinned. We had to cut the steering wheel off. She was screaming every time we moved her," Bosworth said. "It took five or six guys to get her into the ambulance. "
I have to say, I'm pretty stunned by this. There's actual photographic evidence of Brian Bosworth doing something good. Nothing in his pro football or cinema careers ever suggested such a thing was possible. This might as well be a picture of Sasquatch fellating the Loch Ness monster or the Tooth Fairy punching out Santa Claus or a unicorn doing a pegasus or Red Sox fans being cool.
[FanHaus]
A teacher in Florida claims she has been let go because of her side job as a "bikini girl" on fishing cruises. Tiffany Shepherd, a 30-year-old high school biology teacher, says that her work with Smokin Em Charters has cost her her job. From the Daily Mail:
The 30-year-old blonde… performs the usual duties of a ship's mate, but wears a bikini and fetches drinks and sandwiches for the men on board. She took the job three weeks ago to help support her three young sons following a divorce. "I can make $600 in two days' fishing," she said. "That's a week's pay for me."
Smokin' Em Charters,… has pictures of some of the bikini mates on its website - many of them partially nude - and says the only job requirement is to look "hot in a bikini" [...]
[School officials] insist Ms Shepherd's boat job is nothing to do with their decision to let her go – and that she has missed more than 30 days of school this year. "She just doesn't come to work," said Susan Ranew, assistant human resources chief for the district. "We did not know about her second job until after she received her notice of non-renewal."
Just one more case in the long history of injustices against good-looking people. Is it our fault that the demand is so high for good-looking people in jobs where the job is to be good-looking? Shouldn't making the world less ugly give a teacher the right to miss every sixth day of teaching Florida schoolchildren? I mean, c'mon: it's Florida. It's not like those kids are gonna be rocket scientists or the president. Which is good, because this country will always need grave-diggers and strippers. Not that those two jobs are necessarily related, heh heh.
(thanks to Maj for the link)
