You know how LeBron James is always playing that worn out routine of “Maybe I should be in the Slam Dunk Contest this year…” and us basketball fans are like, “Please, oh, please LeBron, would ya do that, King? Would ya?” and he’s like, “Wellllllllllllll maybe if someone paid me a million dollars…” and then you and I pull out our pockets and fight over who gets to eat this packet of ketchup? Well, we don’t need LeBron anymore, because we’ve got –

Doug Anderson.

Who?

WHO?

WHO???

WHAT???

Your State Farm College Slam Dunk Champion is what. The University of Detroit senior forward shocked and AWWWWWWW YEAH’d his way on to some scout lists with one ridiculously sick reverse 360 dunk last night in Atlanta.

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If you frequent FilmDrunk (and you do, obviously), you’re familiar with the outstanding hype and mildly-enjoyable execution of Harmony Korine’s Spring Breakers, the story of what happens when you ask James Franco and a bunch of girls from the Disney Channel to remake Kids without telling them what Kids is about. It gave us months of gratuitous Selena Gomez crotch shots, discussions about MTV Riff Raff and totally reasonable character posters.

Finally, as if given to me by the Lord himself, there is a sports-themed Spring Breakers parody.

Here’s Final Fourers, the gritty reimagining that replaces Spring Break with the NCAA Tournament, replaces beautiful Disney teens with comedians, and replaces James Franco with … well, I’m pretty sure that’s still James Franco. The highly anticipated trailer is after the jump. I can’t wait until the red band version, where they can show Kevin Ware’s leg being broken.

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You can barely notice the photoshopping.

I can’t believe the Final Four is already here. It seems like just yesterday I was telling my friends how Missouri was the most complete team and if the Tigers could get past Michigan State, then the championship was as good as theirs. That’s because that was yesterday, and I haven’t stopped bitching about how this stupid NCAA Tournament didn’t start properly and they should have started it over the moment that Norfolk State screwed everything up. Damn it, if I could re-start Contra because I didn’t enter the cheat code in time, then I should be able to demand that 600 student athletes postpone their studies for one more week for the sake of my mild gambling habits.

But that’s the power of the tourney, friends. Very little has made sense thus far, except that the Kentucky Wildcats are as unstoppable as everyone but Ashley Judd and a few hundred moonshine distributors want them to be. That’s not to say that this Final Four lacks excitement, though. Quite the opposite. Sure, I may only have one team left and I’m in dead last, but my viewing enjoyment shall be taken care of. More importantly, we’re all in for some excitement, which is why I’m back once again to display my incredible expert knowledge.

How much of an expert am I? Check my bracket for yourself.

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With the NCAA Men’s Final Four field determined, there’s not much of a point in recapping the weekend’s action, because with the exception of Saturday’s early game – Louisville 72, Florida 68 – there wasn’t a great deal of suspense to break down and analyze with fart jokes and pictures of kittens dressed like Harry Potter. Although, in retrospect, I totally should have done that.

But that’s not to say that yesterday’s UNC-Kansas game – Jayhawks defeated the Tar Heels 80-67 – doesn’t at least qualify for instant classic consideration, because it was everything that we’ve come to expect from timeless rivals, despite what the score suggests. Even Tyler Zeller channeled his inner Tyler Hanbrough a few times, much to my delight.

And it has also now given us the above image that I am just going to deposit over here into my trusty “Future Memes” folder and let it incubate with the hopes that it can develop into its beautiful GIF form.

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"Let's name jspearlman the ambassador to Libya."

ESPN reported last night that just two of the 5.9 million submitted Tournament Challenge brackets predicted the Final Four correctly. That’s roughly two more than I would have ever imagined picking Butler and Virginia Commonwealth to make the Final Four, but nevertheless I tip my cap to those two evil geniuses. After all, it takes real balls to put an 8- and 11-seed in your bracket’s Final Four, especially on the same side.

One of the two perfect Final Four entrants, “jspearlman”, is in first place, while the other isn’t even close (6,343rd place). But the man currently on top of the World Wide Leader’s $10,000 mountain isn’t in the clear just yet. He chose VCU to win it all, but the entrant only 50 points behind him, “dawgpound513”, still has 3 Final Four teams alive and Kentucky winning it all. And the person in third place has 3 teams remaining and UConn winning it all. And none of us really care that much because we lost weeks ago.

How about your “celebrities”, ESPN?

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Those of you still checking in with Ufford know all about vajazzling–basically it’s doing to you pelvic region what Chad Ochocinco did to his teeth. But a national radio show decided to kick things up a notch and vajazzle some ladies that happened to be fans of the Final Four teams. Why would a radio show do this? Probably because they’re also on TV. And they could get away with using…uh, less than ideal specimens. It’s too late for breakfast, but I saved you a muffin top anyway. Read the rest of this entry »