I’m having trouble coming to terms with the weird crowd-rage dog-fighting aspects of UFC, but if we need to move forward into the 21st century of sports and cover it more often, I’m down for throwing in on the Arianny Celeste For The Hits bandwagon. If you aren’t familiar with her, Celeste is a genetically enhanced Magitek Knight UFC Octagon girl and model, and as far as I can tell by visiting her official site her job description reads:

I. Stand upright while wearing bikini
II. Crawl while wearing bikini
III. Hold numbers while wearing bikni

Items I and II tend to happen more than item III, so here’s photos and video from her latest shoot for Zoo Magazine. It’s a lot like Zoobooks, but with fewer gibbons and more gigantic asses. It’s worth your time. With Leather has a major thing for natural-bodied blondes, so from time to time it’s good for us to feature largely-artificial brunettes.

I think she may need to consider picking up that slide 4 hoodie in a bigger size.

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Ultros cosplay. I think I just found my Halloween costume.

Links

Custom Knit Final Fantasy Kicks by PrettySneaky - These shoes are the coolest. I want to buy them on sale, just to see if the ads say “I, GARLAND, WILL KNOCK DOWN ALL THE PRICES”. [Gamma Squad]

New Rum Diary Clips: Amber Heard Parties Naked - Oh Amber Heard, you aren’t a very good actress, but I’m going to convince myself you’re awesome. Also known as the Amanda Seyfried Rule (or to most people, the Anne Hathaway Rule). [Film Drunk]

Tensions At #OccupySesameStreet Are Heating Up (New Photoshops) - I wish the Internet had been around during the civil rights movement, just so we could’ve seen people photoshopping Dragonball characters onto the Rosa Parks bus. [UPROXX]

Rihanna Wearing Nothing But Kale On The New Esquire Cover Doesn’t Make Her The ‘Sexiest Woman Alive’ - I don’t get Rihanna. She’s not even the hottest person doing this schtick. Last time I checked, Scarlett Johansson didn’t suddenly die and necessitate a replacement. [UPROXX]

Trombone Shorty – “Do To You” (Star Slinger Remix) - Just writing a sentence to say how badly I want people to call me “Trombone Shorty”. [Smoking Section]

We Are Still Kraken-Lackin’ - ATTN People who write for the nerdy UPROXX site I should’ve gotten shuffled onto by now: the Kraken isn’t around because I made Kratos kill him with a bridge. [Gamma Squad]

The Simpsons Embrace Horsemaning - Certainly better than the time they embraced “dogging”. That’s a great joke if you watch too much porn. [Buzzfeed]

Kate Beckinsale Is Holding Up Alright - Hopefully she’ll hold up long enough to make a good movie before she dies. [FARK]

Finding New Homes for the Stars of Fall 2011′s Canceled Shows - I was a little disappointed by this, because I thought they were literally going to try to find new homes for people, and like Amber Heard would get stuck on an episode of House Hunters. [AOL TV]

10 Needlessly Sexualized Versions of Everyday Products - I feel uncomfortable every time I use a bottle of Fathead shampoo. [Smoking Jacket]

81-Year-Old “Doctor” Offers Free Door-To-Door Breast Exams - I’m also offering these over the Internet. Send me pictures of your breasts, I’ll check them out and get back to you. [Brobible]

The 9 TV Actors Who Were Never Supposed To Leave Their Castmates In The Dust - This is a pretty interesting list, if only for how violently Mila Kunis rawdogged the rest of her cast. Also, Freaks and Geeks cast photos make me sad. [Pajiba]

In real sports news, former two-time WBA heavyweight champion Nikolai Valuev is leading the hunt for The Russian Yeti. And you thought “Sarah Palin had sex with Glen Rice back in the 80s” was the weirdest headline we were gonna pull this week.

The beast has been spotted dozens of times in the Kuzbass region of southern Siberia and has become something of a tourist attraction in the local area, with hotels and restaurants naming themselves after it. The mystery creature even has its own Twitter account, presumably set up by some bright spark at the local tourist board.

… “I would like to see firsthand what is going on,” said the boxer, who has had all manner of injections and vaccinations ahead of his expedition to the remote region. “I’ll draw my own conclusions once I’ve been there.”

When he’s done drawing those conclusions, he should figure out why people like Ray William Johnson.

In case you don’t have my Nikolai Valuev fansite bookmarked, he’s a 38-year old, 7-foot-tall Russian boxer who had to retire because his body is too big and who hasn’t fought professionally since a loss to David Haye back in 2008. He’s most famous for beating Evander Holyfield by decision without really beating him. Oh, and despite it being 2011 and our world being largely literate he is a giant-sized cryptozoologist and thinks a Sasquatch with a Twitter feed is a real thing that exists and compels him to wander the forests of Siberia. I don’t know why this is happening, but my best guess is that it’s an “O.J. is leading the search for the real killers” thing where he leads the rabble to keep them from noticing that he is basically the f**king Russian Yeti.

For more on the phenomenon and the giant, weird dudes who subscribe to it, please enjoy the following video, which is a thing.

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If you tell artist David Arrigo what threatening, masculine imagery you want on a goalie mask, he’s going to airbrush it to spec. Say you want a brick wall, because you’re a goalie and nothing gets past you. Done. Say you want the Statue of Liberty, because you play in New York and are a symbol of excellence. Done. Say you’re a kid with no perspective on the world and the coolest, toughest thing you can think of is a primary-colored circle with eyebrows from your iPhone physics app who gets you 5,000 points every time you crush a pig. Uh, done.

That’s exactly what a goaltender for the Toronto Junior Canadiens asked for, and now he’s the proud owner of one of the most talked about (and wanted) goalie masks of the year, whether he ever actually wears it or not. It might end up on a pedestal beside Gordie Howe, for all we know.

“I got an email from the Hockey Hall of Fame this morning, and they want to put it on display,” said Arrigo. “As soon as this kid finds out what’s going on, this thing’s going to end up on eBay. It’s not the first time, I tell you.”

In case you’re wondering if this is a wink wink nudge nudge affair from a self-aware player who loves his hobbies, no. The kid is seven years old, and his dad went to the hockey’s top mask-painter to get his seven-year old something he’s going to abandon in the garage alongside his Beanie Babies in two months.

“He came to me, and it’s funny: His father said he was a big [New Jersey Devils goalie] Martin Brodeur(notes) fan, and maybe that should be on his mask. And the kid’s like, ‘No, no, no … I want ‘Angry Birds!’” said Arrigo of the young goalie, whose name wasn’t released due to his age.

Believe it or not, this is about the 5th least cool video game-themed goalie mask ever. Puck Daddy has a brief retrospective up on some mask designs I’m happy to know exist, like a Dallas Stars goalie who put the Final Fantasy X-2 versions of Yuna and Rikku on his head. I could type a thousand words and they wouldn’t be enough to say how much I love that. I wonder how much Arrigo would charge me to put Ultros and Mr. Chupon on a helmet?

So, it turns out Chicago White Sox slugger Adam Dunn is one of those people who starts a random game with me in Words With Friends and resigns with 77 letters left when I spell “taciturn.”

Via CSN/Chicago:

It was Adam Dunn, who recently returned to the game after being disillusioned playing a former teammate who was clearly cheating (how could Dunn tell? “Because this guy is, no other way to put it, dumb”)…

“I was up at 3 a.m., racking my brain trying to figure out a play, and I hit a huge word, 72 points,” Dunn said. “He came right back with ‘Pleiades.’ What the hell is ‘Pleiades?’ Someone plays ‘Pleiades’ on me, I’ll punch him in the throat.”

I learned it from Final Fantasy, you jerk! And Pleiades is a star cluster. You can’t punch somebody in the throat for knowing a word used in a Red Hot Chili Peppers song. I play a lot of Words With Friends (user name Destinys2ndkid, if you want to play) and I’ve come to terms with a few things about it.

1. If you’re cheating, you shouldn’t even be playing. This isn’t NBA Jam, where you put in a cheat code and get to be Bill Clinton. Playing with your brain is the only reason to even be playing this, and anything else is like copying homework you aren’t turning in.

2. Sometimes those stupid words aren’t cheating. For example, I know what “Pleiades” is. I’m an average blogger on the Internet. I also paid attention in school. Not all of us make money showing people what Toby Keith would look like if he struck out 700 times a season.

You can learn a lot of words you don’t know (or words that aren’t words, but count in the game) by playing a lot. For example, I use “za” and “xi” all the time, but other than “an a-bro-viation for pizza” and “a Chinese person’s name” I don’t know what they mean. I just saw someone use the word “noily,” and cheating or not, I now know “noily” is a word and can use it. See how that works? Don’t punch me in the throat.

3. I wonder if Dunn gets upset waiting days for Ozzie Guillen properly spell “remember.”

[h/t Productive Outs]

Harvey Updyke, the man accused of poisoning the historic oak trees at Toomer’s Corner in Auburn (you know, the trees normal, ecologically-minded people cover in toilet paper to celebrate football victories) has spoken out, saying he expects to go to jail. He also made a Charlie Sheen joke, because the Internet has taught us to communicate like monsters.

“This is not a Charlie Sheen stunt,” he said. “I’m not winning. I’m losing.”

Talk about having Auburn Tigers Blood! Derp derp!

In case you haven’t been following this, the most important thing happening in our world today, an old man from Alabama responded to the loss of the 2010 Iron Bowl by committing ecoterrorism and adding a curse word to his favorite school’s catchphrase, sort of in that Michael Cole way where the cuss doesn’t really fit (“Roll Damn Tide.”) The trees are very important to Auburn students, because when you’re in college you care about sh:t like this.

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